Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

Ah, we’re at the point where you fully commit to being disingenuous I see.

Erm yes, both her children should be made to feel part of the family.

There is nothing worse than being forced as a kid, in to a non bio family who treat the biological kids more favorably

Am i being a bit dim here where does it mentiin free childcare. Have you considered the possability that 1 of the kids have said something to indicate they were feeling left out?i can only give my opinion. I would rather my kids have less outings/ trears than not have them all treated the same.but thats just me

We haven’t heard the sil’s side. I am not convinced that Op and her parents were as welcoming as she has lead us to believe judging from the tone of her posts.
Imho the sil issued the ultimatum because she could see that the favouritism was having an adverse effect on her older dcs.
It must be very hurtful to see your dcs ( who have had a difficult time) treated less favourably by your dh’s family

It was mentioned in the OP's second post, @Dogsrthebest Her parents looked after their granddaughter twice a week until recently.

My parents looked after my niece twice a week but this ultimatum has coincided with her moving to a new nursery, it’s as if she waited until she could dispense with the free childcare.

the brother is clearly on board - that is his decision.

His wider family didn't choose to have some random child in their lives and it is a bit twatty to expect them to accept them in the same way as a blood relative.

But OPs brother and his wife made their choice, and now they are depriving their child of it's grandparents. meh.

@Brefugee He had no idea that his wife had issued an ultimatum. See the OP's third post. I imagine they had words when he got home, it wasn't a good idea to issue an ultimatum without discussing it with him.

Well as I began to type didn’t my brother turn up at my parents with toddler; Mum was out but it emerged that brother had no idea about the ultimatum. I don’t know where this will end but niece left with Dad while brother went to gym.

yes thank you, i clearly was answering an earlier post.

I also note that the "lovely" sil only kicked off when she didn't need childcare, and in OPs parent's position i'd be pointing that out to my son.

I would think has organised new childcare so she could do this, its only practical to wait until there is something in place. Childcare arrangements are not a coincidence and show that she absolutely can change the level of access the grandparents get. Its so weird that lots of people on this thread are speaking so hatefully about someone they don't know with only one side of the story. Really overinvested and not in a nice way. Swearing and name calling levels are pretty weird, maybe consider why this is so triggering if you are going in that direction. I think so much is expected of DILs in general with very little recognition of the benefits they bring to a family. Very glad I have my lovely MIL in comparison to some of the attitudes shown here.

In the beginning, I was in agreement with OP and her family, but now I think everyone is unreasonable. It seems like the step kids were fairly young when DB and SIL married. While OP and family can choose to only accept blood relatives as family, it is pretty bad to state that they will never see SIL’s kids as grandchildren/nephew/niece. To refuse to attempt to foster a relationship with two of the kids in the home just because there isn’t shared dna is cruel in my opinion. Will their attitudes change if DB adopted them?

Sorry hadnt seen that post. I agree with you in that it sounds like she was using the mother in law. However i still think all the kids should be treated the same.

Im not meaning hide the the fact that they are not blood relatives. Also as far as im aware they are ( or should be) part of 1 family. I spoke about this in a previous post saying thats why we use the termin law SISTER in law MOTHER in law etc etc.

Asking them to be kind to kids is ‘twatty’

It should be a given that all adults treat all children with kindness and fairness.

The op hasn't said the grandparents wouldn't take them out. Her sil has gone straight to threats and ultimatums. Her children was attacking the other children in the family so wouldn't it be easier to take them out on their own rather than with ops children in case they fight? I wouldn't want to be breaking up fights on a day out.

No one said you were? They’re part of the family, as you said - they’re in laws. They’re not grandchildren any more than your mother in law is your mother, or your sister in law is your sister. Presumably you spend time with your mother without inviting your mother in law as well?

They may be part of the same family, but they don’t have the same relationships.

And who in their right mind would allow their child to be taken without a parent on a multi day trip with a child that had been attacking them? That's what SIL is asking of her in laws.

I did post up thread and old thread that the op posted last year. The ops brother banned all children from his side of the family from attending his wedding because of their older brothers SC. His wife invited children from her side to be at their wedding. Her brother wanted a peaceful wedding without the drama.

I hope that they're able to sort this situation out, OP. Come back and update us sometime.

The ops brother banned all children from his side of the family from attending his wedding because of their older brothers SC.

Pretty drastic way of excluding them!

Can't complain that they weren't treated the same as all the others there!

SIL is looking out for her kid/s. By not saying anything, your brother is presumably agreeing and is also looking out for her kids. Good for them. In a blended family, all kids should be treated the same, as far as I can see.

By not saying anything, your brother is presumably agreeing and is also looking out for her kids.

Except when he wants to go to the gym so he drops his daughter to his parents!

@Wordsmithery The brother wasn't aware of his wife's ultimatum, he turned up at his parents' house last weekend with his daughter and they told him!