Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

I agree with your sil if they are married and together long term. They are a blended family. Yabu and Abit nasty if they married. If together 5 minutes yanbu.

Your SIL is right. My family always included my DSD in everything my dds did. She's always had a good relationship with them. So much so that they're all invited to her wedding next week.

Your brother clearly agrees with her.
And it is down to him how involved his parents are with his DC (and consequently your DC/the cousins)
I don't know about age gaps and behavioural issues and I wonder if, in the future, your SIL will regret not having loving childcare for the LO so she can spend time with her older DC, but if your brother won't insist on a relationship between his DC and his extended family there isn't much you and your parents can do.

Just read your other thread, I can see why you don’t want warm to children who hit your dc and your niece/nephew.

Your SIL should be building up her dc’s relationships with their actual grandparents.

I would just keep it low effort at your house. Don’t feel you need to spend loads of money on them.

No right or wrong here. Both sides (grandparents and SIL) have perfectly valid positions, but in the end it's up to the parents what happens and it sounds like they have made their minds up.

Do they invite DBs family to things but exclude his stepson?

My parents did too. To the point where at my mother's funeral when the clergy said she was a grandmother of 6 my father without a second thought said no 9.

@KendraTheVampyrSlayer You're absolutely right that her older children (sounds like there’s more than one) should feel part of the extended family, but there’s clearly a back story with behavioral issues. Perhaps the GP’s can’t cope with several children at once due to these issues?

Also, I don’t think it’s terrible for children to spend one to one time with their GP’s. My children do.

I don’t think it’s right that they should have to be included in everything that your DC do with your parents.

However I do think they should be treated the same as their sibling (your DN)

@mushpush

"Isshe making her exes parents do the same thing and take her new children out when they take her older ones? If not then it's double standards to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it's absolute fine if your SIL and DB want to be a blended family, but it's also fine if your parents want to spend time with just their grandchildren and not have to involve older children (who won't always be at an age where activities are all fun for everyone either!).

Their grandchildren is 3.5years old - how old are the older children??

Its not your parents job to fill in for the fact your SIL picked a crappy dad for her first kids 🤷"

I think your post is really cruel.

@fedupoftheheatnow

How is it cruel?

It is your brother and sister-in-law saying this, you are focusing just on her.

This is the issue with blended families. Not everyone is happy to pretend they love a child who came into their family at an older age, like they do their own grandchild, nieces and nephews.

If I were your parents I would accept she didn’t want me to have a relationship with their daughter.

But I wouldn’t give in, especially under the circumstances.

Do the stepchildren's other grandparents include them all?

Outrageous. Denying a grandparent access to their grandchild unless it involves a separate unrelated child is hideous behaviour. OP’s grandparents didn’t choose to acquire a step-grandchild. Who does she think she is, telling people they can’t see their relatives unless they include someone else of her choosing?

That being said, SIL isn’t saying this. It’s the DB who’s shirking responsibility for his own stepson. Completely delinquent. Grandparents need to figure this out with their son. DIL shouldn’t have to fight this fight with her PILs.

Do the grandparents of the older children from first marriage, take out the 3.5 year old when they see their grandchildren??

Your SIL is obviously sensitive to her children being left out @ChorltonCreamery. What happened with the wedding? Was there a resolution or did it come out why family kids weren't invited.

I think because she had a child with your brother those differences are really felt and she doesn't want that for her kids. I don't blame her and this is clearly not a new issue for her to issue an ultimatum.

The concerns around this child are a separate issue and if there's occasions where they aren't invited somewhere because of behaviour then that's another conversation.

@mushpush

"I think it's absolute fine if your SIL and DB want to be a blended family, but it's also fine if your parents want to spend time with just their grandchildren and not have to involve older children.....

....Its not your parents job to fill in for the fact your SIL picked a crappy dad for her first kids 🤷"

So the child of the SIL's previous relationship should be left out cause it's not the Op's parents fault they have a "crappy dad" - but it isn't the child's fault either is it?

Of course what you've written is cruel.

If your parents are leaving out SIL's children (who are part of their son's blended family) that is awful. What is the reasoning behind this? Genetics? Would they be leaving out adopted children?? There is no excuse for their behaviour and your SIL is right to be upset.

@Loub1987

if she was such a good mom she'd deal with her child's violent & aggressive behaviour.

or at least accept it's not fair to expect the Grandparents of her husbands children to have to deal with it! Especially when they have enough on their plates taking the others out for the day.

How can you say it's "delinquent" to want to protect the stepchild? You're literally advocating to exclude a child. Wow.

I think you mean OP's parents (not grandparents) and they didn't "choose" to acquire any kind of grandchildren, genetic or not – it was a decision made by their son and daughter in law. And their son has also chosen to accept his partner's children so they are part of his – and by extension – his parents' family.

If your brother considers his wife’s children his, how is it any different than if he’s adopted a child? Would your parents leave adopted children out because they’re not blood relatives? These are their granddaughters siblings, they need to do everything they can to help them thrive.

I think this is tricky with extended family, you can choose to take on an unrelated child and treat them as your own but you can't choose it for other people.

That said from what's being said about the behaviour it may be that they would want to exclude them from some things regardless.

Honestly, if my sibling adopted a child who was aggressive and violent towards other people, I’d not want to be spending much time with them, and certainly not without the parents there.