Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

4 dc at once is too much imo

Why can't the step kids see their own paternal dps or sil's dps instead.

Do these other dgps take out the younger 2 children

All the questions I would be asking

When you say your dad took your son and nephew out, what relation is the nephew to the 3yo girl?

I can see why your parents are wondering why with 4 other grandparents that should be in the picture, they are being asked to pick up the slack.

It's always the way isn't it?

Someone else expected to pick up the slack!

So, all the boy cousins went away apart from one?

I would feel exactly the same as your SIL. Your dislike of them can be felt just from reading your posts.

They're kids, get over yourselves, they and you only get one shot at their childhood.

This is scraping the barrel a bit.

No-one has any guarantee they'll always be allowed to see their blood grandchildren either.

That's no reason not to become close with them.

This!

I had a Quick Look at OPs previous posts, and it looks like there are quite a few GC (OP is one of 4 siblings) so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the GP to not to take everyone all the time. Most cars only have room for 2 car seats so you’re already limited by that, we don’t know how energetic the GP are, a 3yr old and an 8 yr old don’t want to do the same things, if they’re going on an expensive weekend taking 2 out of possibly 5 (?) kids is fine whether they’re “blood” or not, why are the SGC not seeing their other grandparents?

Its just not as cut and dried as “they’re not treating the SGC like family”.

So if I understand the family tree here, your Sil (we'll call her Amy) was once married to her first husband who she had two kids with (we'll call 1st husband Adam and the older kids Charlie and Daniel). Charlie and Daniel don't get to see Adam (their dad) very often.

Amy then split from Adam and married the OP's brother, let's call him Ben.

Amy and Ben went on to have a child together, let's call her Emma.

So in Amy and Ben's blended family, there are three kids, Charlie, Daniel and Emma.

The Op has a son (we'll call Thomas) and she has a nephew from another sibling and we'll call him William.

So what you're saying OP is that if your parents decide to take Thomas & William out to do something with them, that Amy is saying that they can't also bring out Emma unless they bring Charlie and Daniel too.

Where are Charlie and Daniel's other relatives on Adam's side of the family? Do they have any??? Do they go out with those relatives and leave Emma behind?

While it's very sad that Emma won't get to spend time with Thomas and William, if Amy and Ben don't allow it without Charlie and Daniel being there too, there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.

It really sucks and the person who is going to miss out the most here is Emma. Based on what I perceive as an age gap of some years, Charlie and Daniel will have each other but whether they will want their half sister hanging around with them as they grow up...I don't know.

I’m in a similar position- my in laws say they have x number of grandchildren and accept my children but their time and resources are only spent on their ‘blood’ grandchildren. I have distanced myself/the kids from them because we don’t have any shared children and as they get older they have noticed the differences in how they are treated and aren’t interested in a relationship with them. Thankfully, my dh is an amazing step dad and shows them that you don’t need to blood related to love and care for others. I don’t blame your SIL in the slightest- she is protecting her children and trying to minimise the damage this kind of attitude can do.

They have 4 children, who could all have children. Are they meant to get a mini bus to include all grandkids at all times?

@Matronic6 🤣 Exactly. We all presumed that direct siblings were involved-but it’s actually cousins who were taken to the air show!

My DH’s Aunty has eight GC from her four children-is she obliged to take all eight out at once?!

My parents would have none of that - all children or no children. Occasional one to one maybe, but no one left out. Why are people so blind to the importance of inclusion in step families.

Even If the step grandchildren have a history of being violent to the other children?

@Elizo So if your first cousins did something with your grandparents, you were always included? I remember spending time with my Granny and my cousins who were closest in age, but she didn’t take all six of us out every time.

Punishing a young girl because of a boy's behaviour. Or not recognising children at different ages have different interests.

Not reasonable at all.

How many GC are there?

If your brother wanted his SC included why didn't he go with them & his dad?

How did GF decide who to take?

I just think it is awful leaving a child out particularly as he has very little to do with his own father.
My cousin’s wife has a child ( a boy) from a previous relationship and his parents ( my aunt and uncle) treat the child like their grandchild. In fact, people don’t even know that he is not biologically related to my aunt and uncle .
He spent the whole summer ( along with his half siblings) at my aunt and uncle’s house

We're a blended family, I would not be impressed if some of the kids were being left out when they are available. We are a family unit, take us all as that or not at all.

It's your brother's responsibility to facilitate a relationship between his child and his parents. SIL can say no all she wants, but it's not her sole decision.

I hate blended families because of this shit. If SIL wanted a family of in-laws who would take on her children as if they were their own kin, she should have discussed this before settling for BIL. No one is obligated to accept anyone else's children as family.

And now all three of these little children are going to pay the price for it.

Your brother needs to step in and get his wife under control ASAP.

are the step children and your son and nephew all similar ages?

The grandparents don't feel a connection with their step-grandchildren and to force a relationship where there is no (current) bond is counter-productive.

Your SiL is being unreasonable and insensitive towards the GP's inter-familial relationships.

Exactly this.

SIL is correct . She is protecting her children.

This is lovely. My parents would be the same.

I don't think that's exactly what's happening here though?

Grandad took the stepchildren's cousins away, not their sibling. Sibling wasn't included either (probably because she was too young).

If the sibling was included I think the stepchildren should be, but is it a bit much to expect the grandparents not to do anything with their other children's children (ie stepchildren's cousins) without including the stepchildren too?

I just think it is awful leaving a child out particularly as he has very little to do with his own father.

But from what I can gather only 2 GS went.

So I think more were "left out" than went!

I'm team SIL, it can be so damaging to leave young kids out of family stuff. There's a few steps in my family and you honestly wouldn't know which ones are steps and which ones are bio, my mam and dad and aunties and uncles treat them all the same. Maybe that's just part and parcel of growing up in a huge mishmash of a family where there are so many nieces, nephews, grandkids and god knows what else you lose track of them all. There's less onus put on the "sacred bond of blood". Family are just family.