Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

So your dad would rather go without seeing his granddaughter rather than include the two step children?

Honestly it doesn't matter if they're the nicest kids in the world.

They're not related to your parents. Your parents don't love them. They have no need or desire to spend time with them.

All the 'pretending' to be a family that goes into blended families is a big part of what does damage, in my opinion. It never works. However tolerant or even lovely they are, there's an element of pretending, and everyone knows it and it's always a little bit broken.

Being included when his sister is included is absolutely the right thing, but to dictate about all the cousins isn't right.

I can see why your parents are wondering why with 4 other grandparents that should be in the picture, they are being asked to pick up the slack.

Your dad should not have to take away a child for a weekend that he doesn’t want to.

He is right to not give into this blackmail.

I always thought I understood this divide. One is a blood relative and all that. However, since I’ve had my own children I cannot imagine treating a child in the family (especially my sons stepchild) different to any of the others. They are just kids at the end of the day.

I’d even go as far as to make sure a DSGC was included in absolutely everything to ensure the kids didn’t grow up to hate each other. So I’m kind of on Team SIL here.

He does see them at his home. He’s being expected to take DSC away.

I have no time for adults who think it's ok to treat members of the same family - full blood relatives or not - differently. It's completely unnecessary and divisive. If all the children live full time together in the same house then they should be treated equally.

Depends, if the trip for the child's step brother and cousin was recently I can see that causing upset so that might have triggered this. My DH treats all my GC the same, the ones who are biologically his GC and the ones that are from the children from my first marriage and I think that is the right thing to do.

I must admit he's making himself look as though he doesn't really care about any of them.

Why can’t the step grandchildren be included? A friend of my parents has always treated her son’s stepdaughter exactly the same as her ‘blood’ grandchildren.

Centre the children here. This is the grand daughter and her brother.

Can the grandparents not see how being treated as 'lesser' because not biological, will feel like a rejection.

They will feel being a regarded as an inconvenience or a nuisance.

The grandparents should reflect on this and not make it about what they want or they think they should have, but what is healthy to children.

Either they are a family unit or they aren't a family unit.

Whatever your father says his relationship with his GD will change if he isn't allowed to see her.

Age gap?
Cost?
Grandparents couldn't handle behaviour/that many kids?

Plenty of reasons.

Sounds like SIL just doesn't want to be left with her difficult children. She's trying to force child free time for herself. I expect her older kids would benefit from tome alone with her without their younger sister.

Shame she can't let her daughter build a bond with her family. All she'll do is build resentment between your parents and her other children.

It's much harder to bond with older children, and also 2 extra kids is a lot to look after for an older couple. The jump from 2 to 4 is big especially if one of them can't behave.

Seems like a mixed bag of feedback but I’m with those who don’t think your parents are doing anything wrong. Your parents have absolutely no responsibility to a step child, they have four other grandparents who I’m sure aren’t treating their grandchild equally. Should your brother and SIL split up, where does that leave your parents in terms of this ‘equal relationship’?

OP’s parents didn’t know this child from birth, hasn’t built the same bonds and have no obligation to. If they want to and it’s nice, great, but it’s not their responsibility!

Funny that the other grandparents are not involved either in their own actual grandchildren yet it’s op’s parents who are the bad guys too.

Maybe the mother just has form for cutting off family that is not hers from her children’s lives.

Maybe her brother will suffer the same fate as the ex.

This.
I have a dd from previous relationship and my inlaws all treat her as part of the family. She is treated no different to my other two kids (who are my husbands)
I agree with sil. How horrible for one child to be left out.

Ooh do they not have other dgps to see that youngest dc isn't related to

Perhaps it is too much for the dgps?

Yes exactly

Taking 2 children, whose behaviour you can handle is different to taking 4 children away.

Especially when 2 have severe issues. Especially when you aren’t actually related to the other 2 so it may be more awkward dealing with poor behaviour.

So your Dad didn’t take any of your SIL’s children with him, he took your son and one other grandchild?

This trip was nothing to do with your brother and SIL at all! Your Dad has four children and several grandchildren, he can see different sets at different times.

How many kids is one older adult expected to look after at once? I think two is quite enough!

It is different because, in the event of a divorce, there are no legal ties to the stepchildren. An adopted child will always have the new family ties whereas stepchildren could come and go.

So how many kids are we talking?? 6?!

That's a lot for GP'S

@fedupoftheheatnow

The older child should be left out because they're a child that attacks other children and has horrible behaviour (see previous threads).

But it's also not the grandparents of the new child's job to have to cover for the fact the older child (who they're not the grandparents of!) doesn't see their dad / actual grandparents much. That's 100% on the SIL and her poor choice of a parent for them 🤷 The SIL needs to accept that and deal with the consequences, not force other people to compensate for her.

But they don't all live together. I can see why the step grandkids should be included with things they are doing with their siblings but no idea why gps have to include them when they are doing things with other cousins!

Beside it being impractical, it'd be extremely costly and very demanding on the grandparents to handle that many kids at once. They have 4 children, who could all have children. Are they meant to get a mini bus to include all grandkids at all times?

Very entitled of SIL and causing a family rift when there doesn't need to be one.