Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

It’s still a child that can just as easily be removed from their lives entirely at the flick of the Sils hair and a packed suitcase with no legal recourse to the even the brother.

My in-laws treated my older children exactly as they did their 'real' grandchildren. I love them for it.

I dont know what your last post was and it's difficult to comment without the full story. Also depends what else they leave him out of.

It depends on the situation. If Grandparents are taking responsibility of the Grandchildren without the parents there no I don’t think they should have to take Step Grandchildren.

However if Grandparents are inviting the family round and won’t be taking responsibility of Grandchildren then yes the Step Grandchildren should be invited.

Grandparents are not being unreasonable by asking to have quality time with their blood Grandchildren and shouldn’t be forced into giving free childcare to Step Grandkids.

Which still doesn't make it a 'new random child'?

I'm half expecting the OP to let this thread run for longer, before she finally turns up with a link to another thread all about the kid's behaviour.

Thus making all the replies so far, fairly pointless.

But perhaps I've just been on Mumsnet too long!

Well he was when he joined ok you might not consider him any more at this stage but that’s what he was a random new child that the mother expects to be treated as if he is “one of them”

Though depending on how much time they have even spend together he may still be relatively new and random 🤷🏻‍♀️

Leaving out a child is nasty. Tend to agree with your SIL.

The thing is though that you can’t have complete equality in family relationships. It doesn’t sound like SIL is asking that both her children be treated equally. She’s asking that her older son be treated exactly the same as all children in the family.

But families see each other different amounts of time and have different relationships. MIL sees us more than she sees anyone else. That’s just how it is. 🤷🏻‍♀️ BIL/SIL aren’t crying because she doesn’t come to visit them as often.

But they should make an effort to see brother’s children the same amount, including stepson for birthdays and Christmas. Though I still think it’s okay to do special things just with the younger one (I don’t do special things equally with my own dc, depending on age and activity, sometimes one gets to do something the other doesn’t). After all, it could be argued it’s unfair that stepson technically has 3 sets of grandparents (even if his dad is shit).

So these poor kids have basically been ghosted by their own father and are now being excluded by your family.

All behaviour is communication. Theirs and yours. Hardly surprising they behave badly if they are being rejected by multiple adults

That, or it's not the replies required so the thread disappears.

I mean it's not really blackmail is it to insist all children must be included.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

This is a very telling sentence which shows that you don't see those children as part of your family. And the "impact"? Poor kids.

Having advanced searched, the step son has displayed violent and aggressive behaviour in the past, including towards OP’s children. Actually, I think that changes a lot: I don’t think I’d be wild about taking an older boy, who wasn’t related to me and who I didn’t have any authority over, who could become aggressive and physical out places, unless his parents were also there to deal with the behaviour.

My brother won’t say anything.

Then it won't change. If he's just going to go along with this then it won't change and that's on him.

The grandparents could be trying to protect themselves. Perhaps they don’t think your brother and SIL will last the test of time, and believe that if they split, they’ll have no access to those children that they’ve poured time, effort and money into.

I do think the SIL’s children should be inter grated on at least half of the activities though. It wouldn’t be fair if they were completely fenced off.

Just curious how long have your brother and SIL been together?

Reading your other thread I can see why. Who wants an aggressive child around. Kid don’t get his own way and attacks. Nah

Do her own parents treat all the children equally? If so, I think your parents need to go along with it. If not - then it would be your DN who is disadvantaged,and they do have the right to see him alone.

I think an awful lot of people carry that emotional baggage. I wish adults would be more thoughtful in situations like this. If that child is being brought up by your brother as his own, and his biological child is this boy's biological half brother then I think your parents should try to see him as their grandchild.

My husband's father remarried and between him and his new wife there were six children, and many grandchildren and great grandchildren on both sides. They were ALL treated equally by both GPs and there was no distinction between 'mine' and 'yours' or steps or halves. They were just family. As a result we were all a happy bunch who got along well, with very few resentments.

Good for her! Sounds like a good Mom.

It is so rude of her to push her dc onto other people. Does she not understand other people don't care about other people's children and sometimes even biological parents and grandparents don't care about their own children. But what a silly person your db is! He already carries somebody else's baggage in the form of his dss, but to be dictated by his wife as well regarding pushing the unwanted child on the grandparents, which are not his biological grandparents. How can she not see that if a person is not wanted, he will feel unwanted in that company.

Why would the take one sibling out on a family trip and leave the other?

I do agree - from the grandparents POV obviously.
But the mums and dads have to make the best of it for all the kids sake.

If the OP wants her other thread to be taken into consideration, she should link to it.

Otherwise leaving a child out in a family is way worse than leaving one child out of a whole class party, which is tantamount to child abuse on Mumsnet.

I’m guessing that there’s a back story to this.
You say “older children”- how many children and what are their ages? Are their bio grandparents involved?

It would be kind to take them all out together sometimes, but your SIL also needs to be aware of the cost if she has several children. It may always not be affordable for your parents. Plus, what’s interesting to under-5’s may be boring to pre-teens, for example. It really depends on the outing.

if its cos he has behavioural issues...they could compramise that sil/bro goes too.