Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

Grandparents don't have an automatic right to contact.

Most parents will allow it (indeed, promote, encourage and cherish it) because it's a positive thing for the children and the family as a whole.

But it might be that your parents' contact with their son's family isn't positive for that family - their obvious favouritism in relation to the younger child, who is their biological child, may be causing issues within the family.

If that's the case, then your brother and SIL are being reasonable to take steps to promote the wellbeing of the two children in their family, even if that means reducing contact with your parents. It may be necessary to protect the older child. Your brother and SIL have the hard task of balancing his wellbeing with that of his younger sister - if they think the impact on him of seeing the difference in treatment and the harm to the sibling relationship this might cause outweighs the benefits to your DN of contact with her grandparents, then unfortunately that is their call to make.

The reasoning is the violence from these children.

As one of the child’s parents don’t want these violent children around their own, some kids are always going to be left out.

Who would you leave out? Your grandchild who didn’t do anything just got attacked? Or your son’s stepchildren who are violent?

OP, link your other thread so people can read it. No, I wouldn’t want to include this child either

Delinquent of the OP’s brother not to have sorted all of this out BEFORE he married and had a child with someone who already had children.

It’s completely delinquent of him not to have discussed with his parents before the wedding that he’s taking on a stepchild and that he and his fiancée expect to raise any future children in an equal basis as that stepchild; that that stepchild would be viewed by him as his son; that he wants to know if they would accept him as their grandson. A conversation should have been had, adjustments made.

That clearly didn’t happen. He’s not even having the conversation now! He’s left it to SIL to sort this out with her PILs. Of course she’s going to want to treat her children equally. But she can’t hold anyone but her husband to that standard. Certainly not by threatening removal of access to a grandchild: how is that treating the 3.5yo equally? She can’t see her grandparents because her older stepbrother, who has his own grandparents, also can’t see them? What rubbish.

Many adopted children have behavioural difficulties. I think if it did happen most people would want to help and if your grandchild was living with half siblings who struggle with behaving appropriately a living family would be more not less hands on.

Do they normally leave their step grandchildren out?

I'm not sure id want my child to build a bond with their grandparents if they didn't make my (imaginary) older children feel like an equal part of the family.

Yes, they might have family on their dad's side. But their little sister isn't expected to watch those relatives bond with her siblings... it's completely different.

That doesn’t really matter though does it…..? Are you saying it’s ok to exclude him because potentially he might not be their stepgrandson forever?

I’m so glad your SIL is such a great mum. I would do exactly the same in a heartbeat and not think twice about going no contact if they disagreed.

Im with your SIL 🤷‍♀️

Yes and because his an aggressive shit 👍🏻

As long as when they are all together his treated politely and is remembered at things like Christmas with some kind of token gift and card. Totally.

They have zero obligation to be taking him out on trips or sleepovers and such.

If they want to barter with their shared child that’s on them, but hopefully the family stand their ground about this aggressive child.

Well she isn’t is she?

Her children are violent. One other child isn’t allowed round this children because the child was attacked.

So the Sil is ignoring her children’s massive issues and quite happy to see another child not be able to go because she blackmailed her in laws into including her children. And forcing the grandparents to pick.

She knows her children are violent and wants them to be taken on days out where she isn’t present and let other people deal with their behaviour.

Yep, awesome mum!

we had similar with an adopted cousin, I hated hearing how they were left out of certain things and made feel different to the rest of the family. I also know people who exclude sc from some family gatherings etc. Easy to say ‘not their problem’ not ok when you see it irl

Where was that on the OP? Can only go off what I read. Chill 😎

Exactly a good parent doesn’t stand by and watch their child attack another because they happened to spend time with an uncle / grandpa without them.

I'm all for being civilised, but I would be reluctant (a) to invest too much time and emotion in a child who could be whisked out of my life on a whim, and (b) spend time with an aggressive child without their parent there to deal with the behaviour. A relationship may grow over time organically, but you can't force it. SIL making these stances is counterproductive.

For me it depends on the age of the older child… if there’s a relatively small age gap I think it would be more reasonable to ask grandparents to try to bond with him. But if he’s well into his teens and they’re taking a toddler to the zoo, I think your SIL is being very unreasonable. Also, if he was pretty old when your SIL met your brother it would be harder for them to bond with him I’d imagine.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4838225-brothers-wedding-and-childrenstepchildren?reply=127253965

ops other thread.

i think context is needed. If grandparents welcome step-dc to Christmas meals, family barbecues etc, and only take gc on solo age-appropriate day trips (eg soft play) that’s not so bad. But if gp exclude step-dc to everything, then she has a point , especially as they gave been part of the extended family for over four years.

That’s so sad. All children deserve to feel included. Family is about so much more than DNA

Chill? Because I disagreed with you? If you read the Op she pointed out she has posted previously before. It’s quite obvious.

But you were so desperate to point out what a great mum she was and how you would do the same? Maybe you need to chill?

Being a cheerleader of an ineffective parent isn’t a good look.

My father took my son and my nephew away for a couple of days to an air show. We don’t feel he has to include a step grandchild in this. It wouldn’t have been thought of or quite frankly wanted.

None of us have ever been rude to a child ever, the two oldest children have been included at Christmas. When they are present they are treated the same, board games etc.

Neither of the elder children can manage emotions but this presented differently. Step granddaughter becomes withdrawn but her brother would have a complete meltdown. However I concede the behaviour has improved lately.

My parents looked after my niece twice a week but this ultimatum has coincided with her moving to a new nursery, it’s as if she waited until she could dispense with the free childcare.

My father in particular feels that it is blackmail and they won’t change the relationship they have with their grandchildren to accommodate the step grandchildren.

It is ironic that her elder children don’t have a relationship with their father’s family and she wants this fate for my niece as well.

So she only cares about her older children’s possible feelings now she doesn’t need the free childcare. Mother of the year there all over 🤣

No, you're wrong about this and the fact you think the mum is being unreasonable for expecting all her children to be treated the same, simply shows how unreasonable you are.

How old are the children? The stepchildren and yours?

Your dad doesn’t sound that nice either. Excluding children because they arn’t blood is just so mean. Blended families are becoming the norm almost.