To feel resentful over paying child maintenance

[kittycats100]

I know I'm being unreasonable but hear me out. I've been the full time parent since me and DA dad split up when he was 2. DS goes to dad every other weekend and half holidays. Over the years child maintenance payments have varied from his dad paying nothing on the beginning to then me getting some CMA. The first years was £120, it went up to £300 for a year then back down to £120, there was two years I was getting nothing and some years of around £100. Currently it's £55. From secondary school, DS will be living with his dad most of the week so I'll be liable for child maintenance and I'm sure he will claim from me. I've just done a calculation and it's worked out I'll have to pay £450 p/m. I feel really resentful by this because I'll pay it with no drama but I had to struggle along for 8 years with no help with anything other than the CMA amount.

I need to come to terms with this and just accept it's for my son but it's really pissing me off. I had a convo with my partner about this and he thinks it's only fair as I claimed against my ex which has annoyed me even more.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to feel like this?

Why is son moving to dad's during the week?

Will your ex step up and pay for everything your DC needs? I don't blame the resentment.

DS will be going to a school near his dad's where other family members also attend. He also wants to stay more days as his dads and I do believe at that age boys need their dads around more.
I'm looking to move near the area but I'm in a housing association property and will have to get a swap which I can't guarantee will happen in time.

Assuming you are having to pay this amount because you earn more than DH?

If thats the case then your £120/£300/£55 was probably also linked to your childs dads income. Is that correct?

How do you want it to be? You earn more but pay less towards your childs upkeep? Do you think your childs dad thought it was fun paying you to look after his child whilst you earnt more than him?

You are both putting money into the pot that maintains your child. It may not be fair but its better than nothing.

His dad will cover DS needs while at his house so clothes and expenses at mine will be for me to cover.

For many of the years I wasn't earning a huge amount although there were a few years I was on £50k. A couple years I went self employed and one where I relied on universal credit as I was made redundant and couldn't find a job. This new job is the highest I've earned and I've just started it recently.

Surely you can afford to privately rent if your CMS is nearly £500 a month? My ex earns 45k a year and pays 280 a month.

At the end of the day if he's living with his dad you have to pay maintenance. It's for your child. That's just life.

Was the amount he had to pay what CMS decided? If so then although I can see why it feels frustrating, if you earn more then you have to pay more. If he had a higher income he would have had to pay more.

I'm not going to voluntarily give up a housing association property for the instability of private renting though, although yes I probably could afford it.

His dad moved in with a woman who owns her own house and pays for the majority of bills and car which is why ex has been able to work in low paying jobs. I've lived alone for the majority so have full outgoings to pay.

I would feel resentful too, in that situation. I wonder if your ex would agree that you pay the money into a savings account for DS instead of to him? Or some of it, anyway.

Sorry, but what's good for the goose is good for the gander. The system is what it is - not great - but you know your son deserves a decent quality of life and this will help him these last few years of his childhood.

Congratulations on progressing your career to this point, as well as raising a son who is confident and values his education - both of these are massive achievements you should be proud of.

On that monthly CMS amount you must be very wealthy indeed... Don't you think you should pay your way for your child and to society in general by freeing up a much needed home for a low income family?

@Dotto deffo not wealthy, I'm on £65k and what happens if I lose this job and have given up my property for private renting? I'm using this time to build up my savings, investments and pensions - all of which have been depleted over the years where I earned little or was on UC.

That’s not how social housing works….it’s a home for life….why should OP give thsi up…..it’s a tenancy for life ……there are no guarantees with private renting…..I wouldn’t give up a social housing home…..Op is already paying taxes which benefit society

CMS is calculated on your income after pension payments. So if you were not able to make adequate pension payments for yourself in all the years you were covering your ex's pitiful contributions, you could make up for that now by making extra pension payments. Also could bring your taxable income down under £50k which would be tax efficient.

I was about to say something supportive about your ex not paying as much, and that being frustrating for you, but tbh I’ve changed my mind.

You’re on £65k, and don’t think that’s wealthy? You don’t want to pay the requested amount to support your own child and would rather build up savings?

Sure at £65k there are people on more, with more etc - but please, get some perspective, £65k is a lot of money.

I understand why you feel so resentful that your ex didn’t pay what he was supposed to but I’m not sure what you want?
Perhaps you just want to vent?

You obviously need to pay maintenance for your son and can afford it.

Perhaps you could pay for the school meals and phone contracts etc directly for the same amount - so you’re paying for your son but not handing the money directly to your ex?

I would be absolutely bloody fuming.
I wouldn't let my DS go tbh. Who the hell needs a deadbeat dad. He will just spend the money on himself and let your DS go without.
Mark my words.
Sounds like he is already sponging off another woman.
Why do you think this is a good idea? I can't understand it.

I actually do feel for mothers who, for years were the stable home, earning a pretty regular and consistent amount each month, which even if small meant that they could get by but without luxury. While shady ex flits from job to job on a low income or moves in with another woman who is equally stable so that they have the easy life.

Then when boys turn 16 they want to live with dad as many often do, and stable mothers income becomes plungable simply by virtue of being paid regularly and within a nice fleecable amount. Leave your job OP. As someone said upthread, earn less, pay less. It’s how the men get by!

@SleeplessInWherever I don't think £65k is wealthy - in London anyway. However, I'm yet to receive my first wage as I've just started this job so maybe I'll change my mind after getting paid.

Re paying to ensure my child has what he needs - I've made do with £55 a month from DS dad for a year now and prior to that, I got £0 for two years so whilst a low amount of CMA isn't ideal, it can be done, especially if the parent (DS dad) doesn't have to pay much bills or any rent.

As you already know kids aren’t cheap to maintain. Especially teens - £450 may well turn out to be a very good deal.

I have a different view on social housing—it belongs to all of us as a society, not to the individual family or person living there. A family home should be occupied by a family on limited income. When they get a bigger job or the kids move out, they should either move out or downsize to a property for a couple/single person, so that another family in need can use it, in my view. This whole idea of social housing being “mine” is problematic and prevents families with young children from getting the housing they need. Just my opinion, of course.

I'd look into doing this.

Yes agreed. A home for life but if you become a millionaire in that life, you should give back your social housing to someone who genuinely needs it, because you no longer do.