To feel resentful over paying child maintenance

[kittycats100]

I know I'm being unreasonable but hear me out. I've been the full time parent since me and DA dad split up when he was 2. DS goes to dad every other weekend and half holidays. Over the years child maintenance payments have varied from his dad paying nothing on the beginning to then me getting some CMA. The first years was £120, it went up to £300 for a year then back down to £120, there was two years I was getting nothing and some years of around £100. Currently it's £55. From secondary school, DS will be living with his dad most of the week so I'll be liable for child maintenance and I'm sure he will claim from me. I've just done a calculation and it's worked out I'll have to pay £450 p/m. I feel really resentful by this because I'll pay it with no drama but I had to struggle along for 8 years with no help with anything other than the CMA amount.

I need to come to terms with this and just accept it's for my son but it's really pissing me off. I had a convo with my partner about this and he thinks it's only fair as I claimed against my ex which has annoyed me even more.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to feel like this?

I totally agree

I didn't realise people on relatively high incomes could still be in a housing association property. This doesn't seem fair..

I get you OP. You’re venting, which is fair enough.

I had to fight to get anything from my ex and I’d have resented it too.

I’d also not give up my secure tenancy either!

in my exs case he ploughed loads into his pension when they finally did an attachment to earnings to reduce the amount.

I've just done a calculation and it's worked out I'll have to pay £450 p/m.

You've done the calculation?

If so just remind your Ex not to forget he needs to cancel the £55 CM that he pays and ask which would be the best way for you to now transfer the same amount, £55 to him.

But people can't just be kicked out of social housing because they have studied and/or worked hard to get a well paid job. Otherwise what would be the motivation?

I can completely see why you are annoyed OP, the suggestion of putting more into pensions sounds good.

Nonsense that kids need their dad more at that age. What kids need at all ages is a parent who is decent, present, loving and know how to teach them right from wrong.

I would not pay. Work out what he should have paid, all the weeks he missed. Ask him why he thinks it is okay to leave you high and dry but not you, him.

As for your partner, I'd be asking him the same.

Can you pre-empt CSA and offer him an amount? CSA take a percentage don’t they?

I'd cover uniforms and clothes as I do already

This will be part of the maintenance.

It is a lot of money to find but I can guarantee it’ll work out less than you pay for DS now.
It’s £100 a week - that will absolutely be less than what you pay for DS now.

When your ex was paying maintenance, he would have still been better off than you were.
The non residential parent always has things easier.

Find a way to pay for his clothes and school trips etc, without needing to hand the money over to the ex.

I understand you being miffed about having to pay your ex the money and hats off to you for recognising that going to that school and living nearby is what your DS wants and needs.
The bit that I am not onboard with is that none of this has to happen, you can move and not pay the CMS but are choosing not to, so for that reason I would say you are being unreasonable.

All of this is pretty clear from other threads on here

non resident parents should pay cms, without quibble, and ideally more as it’s only the legal minimum and nowhere near half the costs. Anyone not doing that is a scumbag.

or is that just men…

It's up to your ex to pay for everything out of his own funds and your CMA payments. You do not need to pay any more than that.

You could if you wanted open an account for your DS and make additional payments into that.

And on this I’m astounded that someone on 65k who has investments and savings is prioritising keeping their social housing over living with their child.

Cannot believe some posters have turned this into a chat about your housing situation. Mind your own business vipers ffs.

£65k is not a lot in London. I know there are people who manage on less but that doesn't change the fact that it isn't a lot in a city where rents average £1500 - £2k a month.

If the OP left her HA property she would struggle to find somewhere decent and affordable to rent.

@FlippyFloppyShoe I'd happily move but it doesn't make sense to give up stable housing with fair rent to private renting. I'm looking into mutual exchanges now and would consider a mortgage but the payments would be incredibly high each month. After being made redundant and the turbulence I've had with earnings over the years I'm worried to make big changes based on having a high income now when it could easily change like it has before. I'd even have considered dropping ds to and from school part way but my job is office based.

@Billydavey read my updates, I have no investments or savings at all. I'm in debt atm as have relied of credit cards and overdrafts to live since being made redundant. I've just started my new job so hoping to clear everything, build up credit and savings.

CMS is calculated on your after pension income. You can check yourself on the government website:

Unless a paying parent gets certain benefits, we work out child maintenance using their taxable gross annual income as the starting point.
By ‘income’, we mean earnings from employment, self-employment (profits from a business), occupational or personal pensions and certain benefits.
Gross annual income is the paying parent’s yearly income before Income Tax and National Insurance are taken off, but after occupational or personal pension scheme contributions are taken away.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance

It doesn’t make sense to allow your son to live with his father when the solution is to give up the housing association property and live with your own child at least 50% of the time!

@kittycats100 I understand what you are saying but that is why people pay income protection and people with mortgages are at the same risk of redundancy as those without so not sure why buying somewhere would make a difference?

@YOYOK my son wants to live with his dad though. And if I give up my property but then lose my job in a year or so have have to deal with unstable housing, I'd be in a worse situation.

The housing situation is irrelevant, her son wants to live with his dad. That's very normal for teenage boys and no reflection on the OP at all. And at 14 he can choose.

Back in the day, Bob Crow lived in social housing as a well-remunerated union leader. There are current MPs who live in council properties.

But social housing was never intended just to be for people living on the margins. It was supposed to be a mixed community that would improve standards for everyone.

It's the shortage of social housing that, over time, has led to it being largely reserved, in some regions, for people in desperate or straitened circumstances.

@FlippyFloppyShoe I'm in debt, have awful credit and no savings for a deposit. I've only just started my new job, not out of probation period. If I was able to get a mortgage, I may consider it but it's not an option at the moment.

Shock horror person A pays more than person B because they earn more.

Just be thankful OP. I paid £600pm in maintenance to ex wife. When my children moved in with me she went off sick & hasn't paid a penny in 6 years.

As Esther used to say......thats life!

Your ex has probably been working towards this as soon as he knew you were earning well.

Move as soon as you can and go for 50/50.