To feel resentful over paying child maintenance

[kittycats100]

I know I'm being unreasonable but hear me out. I've been the full time parent since me and DA dad split up when he was 2. DS goes to dad every other weekend and half holidays. Over the years child maintenance payments have varied from his dad paying nothing on the beginning to then me getting some CMA. The first years was £120, it went up to £300 for a year then back down to £120, there was two years I was getting nothing and some years of around £100. Currently it's £55. From secondary school, DS will be living with his dad most of the week so I'll be liable for child maintenance and I'm sure he will claim from me. I've just done a calculation and it's worked out I'll have to pay £450 p/m. I feel really resentful by this because I'll pay it with no drama but I had to struggle along for 8 years with no help with anything other than the CMA amount.

I need to come to terms with this and just accept it's for my son but it's really pissing me off. I had a convo with my partner about this and he thinks it's only fair as I claimed against my ex which has annoyed me even more.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to feel like this?

I agree. It is not a low income. By any stretch

I have mixed feelings about your entire post.

On balance, I think that you are hard done by with this maintenance situation as you covered childcare costs and all of the parenting during the difficult years. It does seem very unfair for you now to have to shell out when the dad has been a dick and intentionally shirked his responsibilities to pay CMS (based on what you have said).

Re housing, I actually didn't realise that this is how HA worked and I am utterly shocked that you you have a home for life. It seems incredibly unfair to people who haven't had the same incredible leg up.

It may be that I am feeling particularly hard done by rn though as an immigrant who has paid absolutely shitloads in taxes in the UK for 15 years, and who is looking ahead to spending the rest of my working life here, but just found out that I probably won't be able to collect state pension due to the way the system is designed.

I'd pay 20% into my pension and only pay the CM required. Explain to your son that covers your share of his expenses.

@StickItInTheFamilyAlbum

"Back in the day, Bob Crow lived in social housing as a well-remunerated union leader. There are current MPs who live in council properties.

But social housing was never intended just to be for people living on the margins. It was supposed to be a mixed community that would improve standards for everyone.

It's the shortage of social housing that, over time, has led to it being largely reserved, in some regions, for people in desperate or straitened circumstances."

Agreed

I get where you’re coming from OP. If you’re son was living with you you would be paying for all the things for him without question so it’s not about spending money on your son, it’s about the fact that your ex DH didn’t pay his way, sometimes barely paying at all, and now he will reap the reward of your income. Yes it is percentage based and he was earning but you’ve been paying the majority for your son all these years and now you have to carry on, right? It’s about the fairness, not the actual act of paying for your son?

I get where you’re coming from if that’s the case. It feels so unbalanced. Well done to you for getting yourself through and now securing a well paying job. Your son will thank you for it and at the end of the day, he is all that matters here.

Social housing is a bit messy to be honest. I know someone who inherited his parent’s social house and was so comfortable he even drove a rather fancy Porsche, all the while others are on the streets. Does seem a bit all over the shop at times

@SleeplessInWherever but money is all relative isn’t it - 65k if you have low rent/mortgage and no nursery fees and no car is loads

if the mortgage is 2500 a month and nursery fees 2000 then that’s the whole lot gone

I don’t think many people in London are paying less than a thousand a month on rent surely these days

I checked and average London salary is £45k apparently

Social housing is obtained by the same route by everyone.. You go onto the register, are given a priority, bid and wait.🤷‍♀️. Most SH tenancies are assured, which is what makes it secure.

I'd feel resentful too as the amount of money you reverend and now will pay is not remotely reflective of the effort and work it takes to raise a child.

Young children are a lot of hard hard work and you did this hard slog but didn't see much money for it. We know why this is (your ex's pay) but that doesn't make it feel any better and doesn't change the fact that you will have got much less money for much harder work.

Your ex will now get more money from you despite having your DC more during the much less physically exhausting years. You get a better job and now he benefits.

He should have got a better job so that you could benefit.

I get it, it sucks.

Yeah my ex is on 89k and I get 635 per month

Honestly can’t believe this is what people think 😂

Yes - I live within my means of my decent salary. I drive a newish decent car, go on holidays, pay more in various bills than others.

But, I acknowledge that being able to do that is a privilege, and that the “means” I have make me more fortunate than the “means” someone earning substantially less does.

Spending disposable income that other people don’t have, doesn’t make you low income, it makes you fortunate to have it to begin with.

You've got every right to be pissed off. I would be too.

You can feel what you want. Resentment is not going to make you happy and it won't change anything. I think you need to forget your ex and reframe it in your mind. You are supporting your child not giving ex money. Take pride in that.

Thinking it through further, ultimately this is the financial decision that you are making. You could move to where the secondary school is and rent privately. But you have made the (rational) decision that you would rather enjoy your free accommodation and pay the father as a side effect

Why don't you just start paying DS's Dad £55/mth instead? You don't need to go down the official calculation route do you? Just pay him as he paid you. If that's what he thought bringing up a child cost he now gets to try it.

Work out how much the dad was required to pay over the last X number of years and deduct what he actually paid then wait until your CMS payments have covered the shortfall, then start paying after that.

He is going to go via CMS, so OP has to pay CMS amount. Or he can then go via direct pay and OP will have to pay even more with the penalty.

Very wealthy indeed? Give over. This is doing OK, hardly wealthy.

@Kitkat1523 In my area (and I honestly thought it was nationwide) you're re-means tested every 5 years. I know because I'm in social housing myself

It’s not free accommodation!

Free accommodation? Do people really believe this 🤣

Absolutely this!!!

£450 a month sounds a lot but it really isn’t, considering that’s to pay for all of his clothes, uniform, school trips, school dinners, school equipment, food, utilities, days out with friends etc etc
You will be saving more than that by him going.

It will all fall to his dad now and you will finally have the week to focus solely on yourself.

You get to be the Disney parent!

NRP always have the better deal.
Just look at what your ex has to pay you now and he barely does anything.
He will be doing all of the laundry, cleaning, cooking etc and you won’t have to worry about any of it!

You are not and never have been a deadbeat parent.
Your ex absolutely has and now it’s time for him to deal with the teenage years 😁

Remember this money isn’t for your ex, it’s for your son and you need to keep telling yourself that.

@libertybonds I pay just under £1k p/m.

Free accommodation? Do you understand how social housing works?