To feel resentful over paying child maintenance

[kittycats100]

I know I'm being unreasonable but hear me out. I've been the full time parent since me and DA dad split up when he was 2. DS goes to dad every other weekend and half holidays. Over the years child maintenance payments have varied from his dad paying nothing on the beginning to then me getting some CMA. The first years was £120, it went up to £300 for a year then back down to £120, there was two years I was getting nothing and some years of around £100. Currently it's £55. From secondary school, DS will be living with his dad most of the week so I'll be liable for child maintenance and I'm sure he will claim from me. I've just done a calculation and it's worked out I'll have to pay £450 p/m. I feel really resentful by this because I'll pay it with no drama but I had to struggle along for 8 years with no help with anything other than the CMA amount.

I need to come to terms with this and just accept it's for my son but it's really pissing me off. I had a convo with my partner about this and he thinks it's only fair as I claimed against my ex which has annoyed me even more.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to feel like this?

On that monthly CMS amount you must be very wealthy indeed... Don't you think you should pay your way for your child and to society in general by freeing up a much needed home for a low income family?

Private renting is extremely insecure, doesn't matter if you as a tenant are rich or poor. Everyone deserves housing stability.

I also agree that a single £65k salary isn't wealthy as it will be massively taxed compared to a couple each earning say £35k.

@Improbablywrong this is how I feel. In the beginning I had to pay £1000 a month of nursery fees myself - with some help from working tax credit but nothing from DS dad. I've always had to consider childcare and being home for DS. I've turned down well paying roles that required frequent travel and I've accepted it as I've been the main parent.

I wouldn't quit my job as I want to earn well and afford to live well but its frustrating that whilst I've been struggling, DS dad always turns up to handovers in new designer clothes and would never let DS wear clothes he bought to my house. He's been such an arsehole over the years.

You take home £4000 a month, and it's £450. It's annoying that he wasn't earning enough to pay you a similar amount, but it's fair.

@SuperGreens I did look into increasing pension but I read that CMA take into account earnings prior to pension so it wouldn't make a difference. I was foolish when I was younger and haven't built up a pension.

@Gettingbysomehow I am fuming haha. DS wants to stay there more unfortunately and I don't want to stop him and he ends up resenting me for it. If I can move closer to the school then we could do 50/50 but it's not guaranteed that I can as I would rely on a mutual exchange.

I don't think £65k is wealthy - in London anyway.

You are definitely wealthy, especially if you live in social housing.

Most people in London live on less than half of that.

I’m really surprised you would even suggest any different, especially as it sounds like you have been on a lot less yourself.

The main positive from this, is that now you can focus on your career and not have to worry about childcare etc.

I too would feel very resentful towards the ex, you have done all of the hard work for years and he’s barely paid and now he gets the easier years and you will be paying him fairly.

It isn’t fair but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it.

You can feel resentful but it's fair. What ever you do don't give up your house!

I’d still respectfully disagree. The cost of living is far greater in London but people get by on substantially less.

Besides that, why would you want the person looking after your son to “just manage.” I get that was what you had to do, and did it well by all accounts, but I don’t think it would be fair to punish your child (by making his dad just manage without the amount he’s due, because of your earnings), out of spite that you didn’t get it.

I did look into increasing pension but I read that CMA take into account earnings prior to pension so it wouldn't make a difference.

Pensions
A paying parent’s income is reduced if they pay into an employer (occupational) pension scheme or a private pension scheme.
If they pay into an employer pension scheme, the paying parent does not need to tell CMS about the amount they pay as the employer will have already taken this into account when calculating their income.
If a paying parent pays into a private pension scheme they should let CMS know as this is taken into account when calculating the amount of child maintenance payable.

• Other financial commitments in child maintenance cases
• Paying parent income adjustments

https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/how-child-maintenance-service-calculates-your-income#:~:text=If%20they%20pay%20into%20an%20employer%20pension%20scheme%2C%20the%20paying,account%20when%20calculating%20their%20income.

.....

Payments into a pension scheme
If you pay into a private pension scheme, you need to update the Child Maintenance Service (CMS). This could reduce your gross weekly income and affect how much child maintenance you have to pay.
If you pay into an occupational or employer pension scheme and deductions are taken from your pay by your employer, you do not need to tell CMS. This will have already been taken into account in your maintenance calculations.
https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/paying-parent-income-adjustments#toc-1

I think perhaps you should look again at this - no idea if it would lower amount significantly but extra pension is often a good idea anyway.

Entirely agree with this

im glad social housing works differently to your opinion…..where would you propose these families move to ….who get a pay rise that tips them into moderate income? …..a home should not be a place you are turfed out of ……lifetime tenancies are important for people to feel secure.

@kittycats100

pay attention to the post I've quoted.

do not feel bad squirrelling away what you legally can. Your DS will need you during Uni or whatever he decides to do next & your Ex won't be providing that! & as you say, you've raised him with very little contribution from your Ex and not been able to save/make pension payments.

& Do not give up your social housing to private rent, it would maybe be different if you could afford to buy...

Not wealthy? Investments and pensions and you think you're not wealthy?

They calculate the amount after pensions so max your contributions to make up for lean years

@SleeplessInWherever He wouldn't be 'just managing' though. I'd cover uniforms and clothes as I do already, happy to cover lunches and school trips. He would have an extra mouth to feed for more days a week but doesn't pay bills or rent so it's not like I'll be making him suffer. Maybe I'd give him £55 -£120 a month seeing as he sees it to be substantial. He most definitely earns more than HMRC is calculating, maybe by cash in hand - or his partner is heavily subsidising his costs.

I agree with you @TakeMeDancing . Having known people who lived in social housing all their lives, but upon their deaths it was apparent they could easily have bought somewhere, and yet families are stuck in hostels, b and bs etc. Social housing is therebto help.people in their time of need. If the occupiers nonlonger need it, they should allow others the opportunity.

Op, I get that it's infuriating, but you need to be the bigger person here. Know that your financial life is now much better than your ex partners. Know your son won't be the one who has to miss out because his skinflint dad doesn't want to pay. Know that one day your son will understand. Don't let the situation take away from your achievements as a single parent.

It's only fair. You have a high income and benefit from social housing. Also, your costs will go down with your DS living at his dad's.

I agree you have done really well to get a high paying job - try to feel proud of this and the fact you can afford to pay a decent amount.

This

I'd be fuming

You obvs have to pay CSA but I can completely understand why you resent it

Is there absolutely no way your DS can stay with you and you can make it work ? Kids might need their dads but they don't need a deadbeat one who doesn't even pay for him 😢

A couple of years ago my sons dad started making noises about wanting my son to live with him, he is a useless shitty dad that I prefer my son not to have to much to do with as he's a bad influence . Luckily my son chose to stay with me, his stepdad and his sisters rather than live with the deadbeat

Have you got any other dc? Think of how much they'd miss their brother

Ignore the idiots saying give up your HA home btw.

@pinkyredrose I don't have any investments anymore, as I had to cash it all out to survive. I almost lost my house as I had high outgoings from when I was earning ok but lost my job and had to go on UC. I'm lucky and thankful that I did put money away and having to sell them broke my heart. There were months I'd have regular breakdowns over money or lack of it with no family to turn to for help. Meanwhile, DS dad would be on another break away abroad or something.

The biggest lesson I learnt was to have savings and money on the side as no job is guaranteed and the sector I'm in has been quite unstable these last few years.

Yabu and his new partners job/mortgage is shit all to do with you

@carrotcard his partners earnings are nothing to do with me but my point is, my DS won't be suffering as his dads outgoings aren't high and he can still afford to care for DS to a high degree.

It will be a big change for you both for Ex to become resident parent. Can you not manage 50/50, with 3 nights one week and 4 the next?

How old is your DS?

Yeah - why don't you do this OP? You'll pay much less CMS and beef up your pension. If you really think your ex doesn't need it

@iloveshetlandponies no siblings and that's part of the reason DS wants to go. I understand it and am glad he has family as I don't and it sucks. I want DS to be happy and not resent me for forcing him to stay. If this went to court they would take into consideration what DS wants so I might as well do it from now rather than longing it out. If I could make 50/50 work, I would but the travel time to school would be an hour which DS is already moaning about. I've looked at mutual exchanges and the possibility of getting a mortgage to buy a house but I have a year to save a deposit and improve credit which I'll try to do but isn't a guarantee. I've also always thought that buying a house doesn't make financial sense if I'm planning to live in it, a buy to let is makes more sense.