To feel resentful over paying child maintenance

[kittycats100]

I know I'm being unreasonable but hear me out. I've been the full time parent since me and DA dad split up when he was 2. DS goes to dad every other weekend and half holidays. Over the years child maintenance payments have varied from his dad paying nothing on the beginning to then me getting some CMA. The first years was £120, it went up to £300 for a year then back down to £120, there was two years I was getting nothing and some years of around £100. Currently it's £55. From secondary school, DS will be living with his dad most of the week so I'll be liable for child maintenance and I'm sure he will claim from me. I've just done a calculation and it's worked out I'll have to pay £450 p/m. I feel really resentful by this because I'll pay it with no drama but I had to struggle along for 8 years with no help with anything other than the CMA amount.

I need to come to terms with this and just accept it's for my son but it's really pissing me off. I had a convo with my partner about this and he thinks it's only fair as I claimed against my ex which has annoyed me even more.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to feel like this?

I know exactly what you mean and you are not being unreasonable to feel that way.
you don’t resent providing for your son. Just that you have provided for him all these years and often struggled by and now you are earning well, his dad who provided the bare minimum is going to receive much more help than you ever did and by the sounds of it he isn’t going to need it.
Just The thought of being in this situation with my deadbeat is enough to make my blood boil.
65k may be a decent wage but OP has likely struggled to get here and in London it won’t go as far as you’d think.

Pay the CMS for the 6-12 months it takes for your son to decide he wants to come back.

I’m NW …..council housing or social housing is a lifetime tenancy where I live….as it should be

although you do have to prove you have sufficient income ( affordability checks) before you are approved

so in your area there’s actually no motivation to improve your work prospects……as private rent is often double…. Sounds all wrong to me

Il get flamed for this but never mind.

Don't pay it. Nothing will happen to you if you don't pay child maintenance, look how many dad's refuse to pay it!

Open your son a bank account and give your son the card and put money into it every month. That way you are still giving your son money to buy what he wants.

As for the social housing comments. The houses are a house for life. Doesn't matter how much money a person has.

@Clotheshorsewhisperer CMS can do collect and pay direct from your pay. They do this to my ex as his payments were sporadic. He would love to have this done to me!

It might help to know OP that after 13 years of me paying everything for 3 children, my youngest went to live with dad. I waited for the maintenance demand but it never came. A year later, youngest returned. Oldest later toldme that ex had peacocked around, laughing at how he was getting his hands on my money at last. Eldest child told him if he so much as requested maintenance, he would never speak to him again.

Sometimes they surprise you. But I think no matter what, they are fully aware, even when you think you've kept something to yourself.

Take care. The bitterness will ruin you so find a way to manage it.

@WinchSparkle80 hmm I'm not so sure. He has more fun over there.

Clearly it does otherwise everyone would be offered social housing.

Not being destitute does not equal "being wealthy."

Every working person should have savings and retirement-focused investments. If there is no spare cash for that, they certainly should not be producing offspring.

Clearly it does otherwise everyone would be offered social housing

We an all request social housing. The better our situation the further down the list we'll be but it won't stop you being on the list in the first place.

In an ideal world, but completely unrealistic for today's generations. Let me guess, you're over 45 years old.

I can request anything I like with no chance whatsoever. I can request a job at NASA if I want to, I actually probably have a better chance of getting that than social housing.

No, it's not unrealistic. Anyone can pare 10 percent from their budget and save it. Might not be fun but it's the least a functional adult can do. And refrain from producing offspring if they can't secure themselves first.

People in the past have faced far more stringent economic situations than young people do now, and still managed to save and prepare for retirement. The endless moaning today is tiresome. The expectations for what constitutes a modest and just-starting-out standard of living are sky-high compared to what most young adults of previous generations would have dreamed of.

Personally, even as an adult, I’d be both shocked and devastated to find out she begrudged us that.

It’s not begrudging the child? That’s a pretty awful accusation. It’s begrudging the parent that thinks they can contribute the minimum or nothing at all.

Ah right is that an option is it? I'll just let my DH know he can just stop paying for his own kids.....🙄

Well it depends where you live….where I am if you are not too fussy about the area it’s a few months wait….maybe around 8 months …..if you have children it’s easier to get a 2 or 3 bed….but still plenty of 1 bed flats for a couple or single……my 2 neices ( separately) and my DSs ex ( mother of a GD) all got 2 bed new builds last year within 6 months of applying ……there’s been a lot of building in the last 2 years of social housing purpose built mini estates ……of all the people close to me who I know rent….and it’s around 30 families/couples? …..only 1 of them rents privately.

Anyone cannot put 10% of their income away.

I could, I’d just have to do less things I want to do, so I’m not going to.

But all adults actually being able to do it seems like a stretch.

If you don't mind answering...

What prevents you claiming the state pension if you've been making national insurance contributions?

I didn't know there were impediments if you're legal and paying NI, so would be useful to know.

The government gave local authorities and housing associations the right to have maximum limits on tenancies, but they refused to use those powers. That's no fault of OP's. Presumably housing associations would rightly prefer more funding to build homes for those in need, than to evict existing/non-problematic tenants, who they may have to house again if their circumstances change.

Not paying it, or finding a way to lower it, IS begrudging the child.

I’m sure my mum did feel hard done by at points, because frankly she was, but she’s more likely to say she’s proud that she paid for and supported her kids, when their father didn’t.

If you are paying 45p, Don't pay anything more!. You pay for him when he is with you as well!

He hardly paid you so don’t pay him. Put it in a bank account and give your son the card. Or just buy him stuff he needs and give him pocket money. I wouldn’t normally advocate doing this btw but sounds like he needs a taste of his own medicine.

I am not sure if you struggle with reading comprehension as OP said in her very first post she will pay without problems, but she feels upset because her a hole ex didnt pay for many years.

Sorry but CMA is reflective of your good income. Why shouldn’t you pay it? I also think that a single woman earning £65k taking up a housing association property is awful. Local authority and housing association homes are meant to be for people who need them, not people who want them. You can private let or buy easily.

This is such a massive misinterpretation I cant even...
She is pissed off at her ex for not paying, not at her child. She has been providinf for him solo for 8 years, and said she will be paying whatever maintenance she should? Maybe you project heavily here thinkign this means this means she begrudges the boy?

Don't be ridiculous