To feel resentful over paying child maintenance

[kittycats100]

I know I'm being unreasonable but hear me out. I've been the full time parent since me and DA dad split up when he was 2. DS goes to dad every other weekend and half holidays. Over the years child maintenance payments have varied from his dad paying nothing on the beginning to then me getting some CMA. The first years was £120, it went up to £300 for a year then back down to £120, there was two years I was getting nothing and some years of around £100. Currently it's £55. From secondary school, DS will be living with his dad most of the week so I'll be liable for child maintenance and I'm sure he will claim from me. I've just done a calculation and it's worked out I'll have to pay £450 p/m. I feel really resentful by this because I'll pay it with no drama but I had to struggle along for 8 years with no help with anything other than the CMA amount.

I need to come to terms with this and just accept it's for my son but it's really pissing me off. I had a convo with my partner about this and he thinks it's only fair as I claimed against my ex which has annoyed me even more.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to feel like this?

You’re earning very nearly double the average person in the UK and over three times more than most single parent’s income. I’d call that wealthy and at least very comfortable. I wouldn’t be bringing the partner into the equation as she has no monetary responsibility towards your child, you and your ex partner do. I get it stings but I’d just think about the benefit to your child.

Not to mention there's thousands of pounds in difference between finding a deposit for a private rent and a deposit for a mortgage.

Keep your LA house OP and concentrate more on paying your debts and building your savings up for now.
Hope the job goes well.

Thanks @Crumpleton that's the plan.

Income protection doesn't cover redundancy - we have it and it's to cover long term illness. We went via an FA and he said redundancy cover isn't really a thing anymore as it's so common

Ridiculous. I live in Cheshire, where rents for family homes are also that amount.

My salary is slightly less than OPs, and in my view - I’m well paid. It’s an attitude thing IMO.

£65k is a very good salary. If your son is living with his dad and you're paying CM why would you also pay for uniform and school trips?

This.

If (when) men shirk their financial responsibilities, we all rightfully give them a hard time. It’s not any different because it’s a woman we’re talking about now.

He’s owed it, the OPs son is owed it - pay it. Anything else and you’re as bad as the dads who don’t.

Honestly, I'd be fucking fuming as well. It would boil my piss to hand over that amount of money to him when he's let you scrimp, save and sell your stuff all these years.

I know it's not right, but I'd be doing everything in my power to reduce my declared income. Investments, pension, anything. I would obviously buy DS anything he needed, but it would pain me to hand the father money in this instance.

I’m going to hazard a guess that OP was hoping the father of her child would contribute reasonably and consistently towards the cost of their upbringing. But sounds like you’re going for a different angle.

You need to support your child. That support is based on your income. Ultimately, it's your child's right to be supported by both parents. As much as it might irritate you that he paid a little and you will pay a lot. I think you neex to consider that it would cost you much more if DC lived with you.

Except, this type of father tends to ignore his other parenting responsibilites as well .

So not only has OP been providing for her son by herself for years/with an intermittent pittance from her ex, but she's also been doing pretty much all the parenting.

From the cold light of day, the ex owes the OP a whopping amount of money (and labour). And now she is expected to pay him double/tripple/quadruple the amount he's ever paid her for his son.

Of course it's not fair.

It sucks OP. I totally understand your frustration. But there isn’t anything you can do so try not to give it head space and sleep well at night knowing your not a lazy dead beat like your ex.

@SleeplessInWherever the whole point of my post is that DS dad did shirk his responsibilities and managed to get away with paying the minimum or nothing at all. However, when DS lives with him full time (at least 5 days a week), I'll be paying £450. I get £55 a month atm from DS dad. Uniform alone cost me just over £150 and I'll probably have to replace bits in a few months as DS grows so quick. I'll have to pay whatever CMA says but surely I can feel resentful about it when I've had to make do on pittance for many years.

My mum brought all three of us up with no financial or physical involvement from my dad.

Personally, even as an adult, I’d be both shocked and devastated to find out she begrudged us that.

Fair or unfair, finding a way to purposefully withhold money that is intended for your own child, is out of order.

Just because one person does the wrong thing, we all don’t have to, this isn’t a race to the bottom.

Totally agree that he shouldn’t have done that. But that doesn’t mean it would be fair for you to do it.

You can afford it, it’s the owed amount, it should be paid - just like he should have paid you fairly.

As you are providing child maintenance to him as the primary carer he will now be responsible for providing primary carer provisions that you did previously. This means the 450 covers uniforms, lunches , school trips , clothing. You are still providing it in the form of CMS. Please don't provide this on top of CMS!!! Be transparent with him and your son that this is what the 450 is for if and when he asks for it. Or offer to pay him what he paid you but still expect him to provide all that you have over the years. It’s his turn. Hope it all works out for you, congrats on the new job. Hope you end up better off with the new arrangement.

@HelpAGirlOut1234 honestly, there were times I thought I'd be better off dead than in a constant state of hustle. I'm educated but finding working was so hard. This last year especially. I'd ask his dad to send DS back to mine in a pair or trainers that he already had at his (he had multiple branded pairs) and he refused so I'd have to buy them myself. I could never understand why his dad was so insistent on being a dick. For school residentials which costs over £200, he refused to pay towards also. Meanwhile DS thinks he's the most amazing person in the world. It's infuriating!

@kittycats100 First of all, well done to you! I can see why you're resentful, but you'll continue doing right by your son.

Well done on working hard to improve yours and your son's life. I can't imagine that was easy by any stretch of the imagination. Single-parenting is challenging enough and you've also managed to grow a career 👏🏾.

Well done on putting your son first here too. It must be hard sending him off, but you've worked out that'll be a good move for him.

Whatever you do, don't relinquish your secure home. Only an idiot would give up certainty for uncertainty after what you've been through.

Good luck working your way back to financial stability and I hope you manage a successful swap soon👌🏾.

He's going to be the resident parent so food, clothes, school trips, books, all other expenses will be his responsibility to cover now. As well as appointments, hobbies, and childcare requirements if necessary. Pay your CM and let him get on with it. It will be worth it to no longer have the hassle of all that other stuff anymore. You get to be Disney mum now! Take him to do fun stuff on your contact time and then that's the end of that for another fortnight. Good luck to dad (and SM). The teen years are the best years to parent 😬

But OP does not resent her son. She - quite rightly - resents her ex.

100% this.

@SleeplessInWherever 65k as a single household income in London is low

I don't think you've mentioned but how old is your son?

My heart honestly goes out to you, I'm also a single Mum and worked my ass off to raise my son with little to no help from his father. I'm also now well enough paid and the idea of handing that amount of money to my DSs dad actually makes my stomach burn. I can completely empathise with your situation and I'm sorry.

You're really dealing with all this very sensibly and pragmatically, you're right not wanting to stop your son from living with his dad if that's what he wants and you're right not to want to give up your HA property.

But I would honestly try and find anyway you can reduce the amount you're liable for. Will he definitely go the CMS route? What if you say, 'tell me where to send the £55 going forward, you know, the amount you're currently paying me.'

@kittycats100 Oh and, please be comforted by the fact that the vast majority of children eventually recognise shit parents, and also appreciate the parent who did so much for them. My son is an older teenager now and he is really starting to see how shit his father is all by himself.

We don’t know what it is a single household income, and that’s really not my business.

But personally I think it’s insulting to people on actual low incomes, those in London living off minimum wage for example, to suggest that £65k is low.

I don’t think people shouldn’t have money, I think they should have perspective when they do.