DH and best friends wedding

[Strawberrysaucee]

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

Aren’t you with a narcassist .! Peopel hate that word but read up OP

He only feels sorry for himself as he wasn’t getting he wanted form threatening to leave. .
He is trying to scare you into staying or putting up with his behaviour .

tHe went too far using your child but that what that type of person does. .

Make sur eve leaves he is poison

Because that’s the game he is playing . He has worked on your for years to get you to this point .

why do you feel guilty and sorry for him - because it's emotional blackmail !!! well done that man !!!

and yes expect either the heart attack symptoms or the suicide thoughts !

did he pack a bag and go to his father's after telling your child he was leaving ?

and did you go to the wedding, with your Mum, that he was so determined to spoil for you

Because he’s an abusive cunt who knows which buttons to press.

The fact that he's willing to upset your child should confirm what a cunt he is. Stay strong and get him out.

It is natural that you are feeling sorry for him. You are an empathetic person so you can see that his manipulation comes from a place of insecurity and that is why you feel sorry for him. But you need to look at the bigger picture here. Nothing can change if he lacks insight into his behaviour and actually wants to change. You need to protect yourself and your CHILD. What he did to that child is indefensible. Your child is an innocent human being who deserves to feel safe and secure. Instead, their own father used them as a tool. This man's damage is more powerful than his good. His instinct is to hurt others if it will help him. That is what makes him dangerous.

So, yes, it's normal to feel sorry for broken people. But to allow that brokenness to continue to affect you and your child is irresponsible and foolish.

Sorry OP, but he is a manipulative twat. He thinks he can bully you by threatening to leave and when you say OK, please leave he backtracks. He is just upset that his emotional blackmail isn't working any more.

Let's put it this way. He has just deliberately manipulated your child into getting really upset over HIS actions that HE controls so HE can control YOU. Do not back down - you deserve better than to be this guy's punching bag for what ever lunacy is going through his brain. Your child deserves better than to be in the company of a man who would upset them to make their mother feel bad. You are giving him too much leeway - pack his bags, send him to his father and YOU TELL HIM you need to time to think about whether you wish to give him a second chance to improve his behaviour. Big hugs

100% everything that this poster eloquently said.

Especially this sentence “His instinct is to hurt others if it will help him”. This man is utterly self absorbed and will use any tactic to get what he wants - abuse, upset, manipulation etc. He knows that it hurts you, but he does not care. He knows that it hurts his child, but again he does not care. His only motivation is to make you do what he wants, to please himself.

He is dangerous and you need to get yourself and your child far away from him.

OP it is a well known tactic of abusers to threaten, suggest, imply they will self harm.

That is why it is always recommended that you contact the police to do a welfare check.

The police will call and speak to him.
They are well used to abusers threatening this.
The police know that they are dealing with scum like your husband and one visit from time wasters like him and they don't usually have to call again.

Abusers don't like authority knowing about their abusive behaviour.

Abuse loves secrecy.
You should be telling your GP about your husbands deliberate emotional abuse of your child.
Is your child at school?
Let them know and support your child.

I don't know how you could look at him, not to mind have sympathy for him after he deliberately upset your child.

The lowest of the low abuses children.
That is who your husband is.

A deliberate child abuser, who will do anything to control you.

You really need to give your head a wobble and realise what is important to you.
Your innocent child?
Or that piece of shit you married?

I had one of these. It took me nearly 20 years to get rid of the cunt.

The constant gas lighting, controlling behaviour and arguments followed by he wouldn’t know what he’d do without me, he felt like running his car into a wall. Such bullshit!!!

Get yourself in a good place financially. See if you can buy a small flat for you and your child, even if it’s a studio. Then leave the fucker, change your car and block him. You can use an intermediary for visitation.

You might have to stay for six months/a year but auto pilot it. Get your shit in order and leave.

So he’s gone from calling you a C to going to the graces of relatives. Delivering abuse to your DC causing untold damage?
Tell him to go to his father’s permanently.
If you stay with him your child is going to keep suffering.
Next stop: the suicide threats. He’s almost there and is inevitable. It scares an ordinary caring person if it comes from someone genuine.
But from an arch manipulator it’s just a playing card.

Stay strong OP, you are being so brave x

Tell her he can't come because you're no longer together. Then dump him.

As your partner, it's his job to accompany you when you're attending as a couple. If he won't do his job, sack him.

He's a childish, jealous toddler. You deserve more. Get rid.

OP I just want you to know that many of us have been in similar situations and it's really hard and daunting to finally pull yourself away from it but I promise you you will not regret it. It's hard getting on your feet away from what you know but you will feel so free being away from the manipulation. And like a previous poster has said your eyes will be opened to the many other times he has done this to you.
Be strong. Confide in people, even if it is just strangers on the internet. Many can relate. You're worth more than years and years of this torturous cycle you'll be in with him x

Typical narcissist

He is manipulating you.
He's a good liar, which is why you believe him, but please open your eyes.
My DM used to say "find the iron in your soul"

Look up Dr Ramani’s videos on narcissistic personality style. I think you’ve got yourself a classic that there, sorry. He’s manipulating you to meet his bottomless needs. You’ll never change him. He will always do this unless he gets therapy with someone trained in working with narcissists. I’m sorry OP. Hope you went to the wedding and enjoyed it!!

OP please, please, please listen to all the advice you've been given. Just the sheer number of other posters with the same or similar experiences proves he's just playing you. Leave. It might be tricky to start with but in the long run I promise it will be the best thing you ever do xx

You feel guilty because you are a normal loving and empathetic being. He is using this to manipulate you.
You need to take a step back from your emotions and look at his actions from a detached perspective:
He is willing to hurt your child emotionally in order to manipulate you.
What was so important he needed to contact you at the wedding? Because unless it was some major emergency, it's him trying to manipulate and upset you.
He keeps saying he is going, why is he still there?
His "pain" matters, what about yours and your child's why do they not matter?

Get ready for more manipulation:
"I'm going to hurt/kill myself", " I didn't mean it, I was depressed/ it was because of my mental health". This is a common tactic, you can tell it's bullshit as they often aren't seeking any professional help. Even if it was valid, women are not rehabilitation centres for men, not your problem.
"what about the children", well he's already hurting them to manipulate you so hardly dad of the year material. Children deserve to be raised by happy parents (even if apart) and a non toxic environment.
Trying to make you jealous with new girlfriend, playing Disney Dad and making out you were awful and unreasonable.
Anger that any of the above are not working, trying every trick in the book to make your life harder. Not sticking to agreements about finances or childcare for example. There's a saying that the person you divorce is very different than the person you marry, believe it. Get all agreements in writing and/or through official channels so that it limits the amount he can play up later on. He is not your friend, he will be out for himself and to stick it to you.

On the plus side, once you out of the relationship and the constant mindfucks, life seems so much easier because you have so much more mental energy to deal with it.

Curiously when I read your initial op, my first thought was he just wants to make you suffer, to beg him to go, he fully intends to front up. So I’m not surprised at the back tracking, he’s doing it again now.

you need to get out. There is something wrong with him.

Im sorry to hear about your update, but not surprised.
Was he looking after your child - you say you heard them in the other room, or did he manage to manipulate it so that he did attend the wedding?
And if he wasnt there, why the hell would he think you would be contacting him during the wedding. He was just looking for a reason to try to ruin your night, and sounds as if he succeeded, and has continued to manipulate ever since.

Its a real shame. And of course you feel sad and guilty, because he knows how to push your buttons as a normal caring person who, until recently, belived was in a loving partnership.

There will be a point though, and it will be liberating, when you are able to detach and get an outside perspective on what he is doing - the point where you dont care any more, and once that veil has been lifted there is no going back. You will look back and see all the signs.

Is his behaviour deliberate? well to an extent, but often not malevolently evil - that would be easier to spot - but in a way that seems oh too common - if you take a look at Pat Craven's Freedom Programme you will see that this society encourages the kind of beliefs that both men and women hold, that allows them to feel justified in the behaviour that they do. And like children, they have found what works to get what they want. And they are selfish - he is cross so you need to suffer too - you are not behaving how he thinks you should, so he will try techniques, again, so similar that many a book has been written - deisned to yank you back into line, because fundamentally he believe that your role is to support him, and HIS life.

He isnt going to change those beliefs easily. And not with you, because your relationship is already established in its dynamics. A few more girlfriends refusing to put up with his behaviour and he MIGHT take a look at himself - but men do this less than women do - or he may just become embittered and more resentful of women not doing what they should do

Am I missing a hidden meaning?

So what if he has been sat a relatives grave?

He is emotionally abusing you. But if that’s not bad enough…..he emotionally abusing your child.

If he physically abused your child would you feel guilty? Would you feel sorry for him?

He did what he set out to achieve. Ruined the wedding for you. He can’t get you to get back in line by threatened to leave so he is emotionally abusing your child and the. Trying to guilt you into getting back in line.

Hope you're OK OP

Jesus Christ, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you don't have enough self-respect to get out for yourself, then please think of your child growing up like this and thinking it's ok for men to treat women this way.
Please leave him.