DH and best friends wedding

[Strawberrysaucee]

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

Jingleboots · Today 13:24

I might be a dopey bugger but I tend to worry that those who don't come back are going to show up on the news instead.

Yup.

But you are also right - nobody owes anyone a reply.

Everyone is different though.

For me being an introvert, I'd hate it. You'd obviously enjoy it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ultimately I guess it's his choice.

Just be honest to his friends too. He didn't want to come and I have no idea why. Yes it's going to be awkward at first to say that but anything you say is going to be awkward for you. At least his friends will know, and who knows he might have to face some accountability. Butttt from someone who has been married to a man who used to do this...the longer you cover for them the more they take the p*as. I don't advocate to throw away the marriage easily .... But are you ok and fulfilled in this marriage in other ways ? Or are you always carrying deadweight?

It is his choice, but he should have made it long ago. He knew from the beginning that she was a bridesmaid, so if he’d have said then that he didn’t want to go, that would have been fine. This is clearly all about controlling her and making her think he’s doing her a favour.
I can understand your difficulties but this is something different.

This is about control, he had no problem going to numerous weddings earlier in the year.

These creatures enjoy seeing you hurt more than they enjoy seeing you happy. Once you get your head round that, you see them for what they really are.

I'd ring her in front of him and tell her his excuse 'he's just refusing to come' make him look like shit and not yourself

You can't force him to go.
I would find a suitable replacement, as it a friend not already invited or family member, and tell your best friend about the slight change of plan.

I would then be questioning my relationship and his commitment to you.

i agree with everyone else. This is very controlling.

It’s a slippery slope to abuse. Get rid of this man child now. It may put you in a tricky spot, but better not then later!

best of luck.

I'm not sticking up for him, he sounds like an arsehole, but are they mainly your friends? If you're bridesmaid will he be on his own most of the day.
I went to a wedding with my sister where she was bridesmaid. For most if the day/reception we weren't together, I did know a few people but nit many and not well. Personally Id rather have not been there, but my sister really wanted me there so I sucked it up and went to support her.
Evening was much better.

He's ttying to kill your shine. He wants you to have a horrible day. Hes already spoiling the lead up to it. Centering himself, too. & he doesn't respect you.

Personally Id say ok don't come then but STFU about it, conversation over. But be aware he'll still find another way to ruin the day for you.

Far too many women out there with partners who do not like them and they're too blind to see it.

I went to a wedding when my boy was small - maybe 3 or 4. I told my (now thankfully ex) husband that I wouldn’t be late - I had been invited to the whole thing. He rang me at 7.30 demanding to know where I was and insisting I came home.
It took me another 12/13 years before I kicked him into touch - like you thinking i would not manage financially.
He was a c**t then, he didn’t change.

Look at the warning signs and prioritise you and your child.

Mama2many73 · Yesterday 23:31
I'm not sticking up for him, he sounds like an arsehole, but are they mainly your friends? If you're bridesmaid will he be on his own most of the day.
I went to a wedding with my sister where she was bridesmaid. For most if the day/reception we weren't together, I did know a few people but nit many and not well. Personally Id rather have not been there, but my sister really wanted me there so I sucked it up and went to support her.
Evening was much better.

But you would probably not:
Say you were going and allow the invitation to be taken and an expensive meal booked for you
Change your mind and say you were not going
Berate your co guest for taking you at your word and changing the invitation to someone else
Start an argument saying that the lead guest had ' jumped the gun' (ie not begged you to go up until the last minute) and ruined everything (ruined his little game)
Gone off sulking to your parents for a few days - 'to avoid an argument' because you had not got your way.

Hello,

I really appreciate all the messages and support. I am also sorry that it seems so many have been here themselves.

I have had a lot of things going on with my child in the last two days which has overshadowed my concern for friends wedding and DH.

I am still looking at putting a plan in place. And of course he did not go to his dads, when I said would you like some things putting in a bag?

No surprise there OP, just more efforts to control you.
Well done for offering to help him pack.
Going forward that is the way to go.
Offer to split, help him pack, anything that he wants.

You are not going to buy into his controlling manipulative ways.
He won't change but he will most likely be on his best behavior as he watches the changes in you.

He will suddenly become all reasonable and helpful to try and trick you into thinking he's not the selfish controlling abusive sulking scum you now know he is.

I am sorry to hear your child has issues. I hope they resolve quickly.

Take your time, plan, get organised, do what you have to do..... but get out of this marriage and away from him.

I hope the wedding is a lovely day for you.

Thank you - he has been charming personified since the weekend.

Scary really

I would suggest be completely honest going forwards.

If anyone asks why he couldn't come or where he is at the wedding, just tell them the truth. That you're not sure as all he said was he didn't want to come.

Be honest with your mum, your friends, your family, his family. Don't lie for him. He needs to see his behaviour for what it actually is, not what he pretends it is.

He sounds like a pretty unkind person.

Take care OP. This could be the lull before the storm. Don't give him any opportunity to sabotage your enjoyment of the wedding.

I would make sure all the clothes etc you need are stored at your mums well beforehand, stay with her the night before and ensure your child care plans are watertight. Keep your phone switched off. He will cause problems if he can.

You can contact Women’s Aid for advice. If you’ve lived in the same area for years you might be eligible for council housing - this is something Women’s Aid should be able to advise you about. If your salary won’t cover your living expenses and rent, Universal Credit will top it up.

This is what they do to try & reel you back in! Classic narc/manipulative behaviour. Push you as much as they can with the awful abusive behaviour & then put the charm back on. All to try & keep you in that limbo of 'is it really that bad..'
You've always got this thread to come back to as a reminder of how he's behaved & made you feel.
I promise, once the switch has gone in your mind & you have a plan to leave, you won't look back & will wish you'd done it sooner. The sense of relief/weight off is like no other.
It's true that the period of time where you leave is the most dangerous with people like him too, so make sure you're as protected/careful as you can be. Get what you need sorted & go - tell him after once you're safe.
Wishing you the best & hope you DC is ok too 💐

Classic.

It's the well documented 'nice/nasty' cycle of the abuser - always self serving - dont be fooled its not for your benefit.

Put him on an information diet and slowly and confidentailly get support to edge yourself out of this realtionship. Know that if he senses something things will ramp up and swing between the begging, pleading, promising, ficticious health scares and suicide threats to outright abuse.

He wont change - he hasnt changed. Choose a better environment to raise your DC - one where her DM as all her energy and emotional headspace to focus positively on her upbringing rather than having it being drained and diverted and worse dealing with this unhealthy character.

He knows you are on to him.
He knows he over played his hand.
He knows the scales have dropped from your eyes.

He knows he has to be careful.
He knows he must appear reasonable.
He knows he must try and confuse you.

They are all the same.

But you are too clever.
You have seen now EXACTLY who he is.
You are no longer confused.

You will get away from him.

Please do not have sex with him.
He would love you to get pregnant and feel caught.

Don't be fooled.
Wecare here for you.

If you have any wedding things in the house remove them.
Don't let this 'change' fool you.
You may not want to split, but learn to pre empt, so that his behaviour causes a raised eyebrow rather than a drama.

He should tell them.

This with bells on. especially the pregnant thing. with each child the harder it is to cope alone.
and please read that Lundy book