DH and best friends wedding

[Strawberrysaucee]

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

Oh dear heavens.

Is he going for an Oscar?

Deeds not words.

Stay strong or you'll have to go through this all over again

What does your mum think?

Because you're not the pig he is?

Don't fall for it

Because his manipulative words are getting through.

Keep front of mind his abusive actions to you and your DC.

I wonder if he realises how predictable he is.

He's realised he's losing his 'grip' on you OP and this is just the latest 'trick up the sleeve' to get you to stay. Next it'll be a hospital visit for chest pains.

As for telling your child that he was leaving and then didn't...what a horrible, vile manipulator he is. Easy for us to say on here but please don't fall for it. Try and get away from him.

Big girls pants on. Put your happiness first and hand him a spade....

Because you love him and you are emotionally attached to him. You feel those things because you are emotionally normal and emotionally intelligent. There is nothing wrong with you feeling those things - it is natural that it causes you distress to see someone you care about being (or acting) upset. The problem is that he either doesn't feel those things, or they are secondary to what he really wants, which is to be in control of you. If you are in his control it doesn't matter to him what you feel, other than as a tool. If you are happy, then great because you will stay exactly where you are. That is why he is love bombing you. But he isn't doing it because he cares about your happiness, he is doing it to get you back in line. If you being emotionally dependent on him is what will keep you where you are, then that is what he will go for. If you being afraid is what will keep you where you are, that is what he will go for. And so on, including using your child.

Because that is what he wants. I had an ex like that. He created situations where he could be a martyr and upset with me. He seemed to like the drama. It was really exhausting. It was only when I started a new relationship that I realised how toxic this life was. Please don't weaken. You've got this. Move on and be happy.

Ah OP, he is a terrible abuser.
How can you not be furious at him abusing your child by deliberately trying to upset her?
Can you honestly not see that he is abusing your child?
Really?.
He ruined the wedding as we told you he would.

I now feel very sorry for your child.
One parent an abuser, the other enabling the abuse by staying.
Where is your anger for your little child.
Is this all that you want for them?
A selfish narcissistic father who causes nothing but stress.

Your child is depending on you to ensure they have a better life.

Of course he is back peddling.
He's a complete loser.

I hope the response to this was "It was done when you told me you weren't coming. You don't get to blame this one on me".

His goal was to upset you so you never try and go out without hus sayso again. Now he has used you child to try and control you too.

Don't feel sorry for him, find your anger.

@Strawberrysaucee

So it kicked off again on the night of the wedding

So exactly like everyone on here predicted then. Honestly, they really do follow a script.

why do i feel so guilty and sorry for him?

Because you're a nice, decent person who doesn't get off on hurting or trying to control other people. But when you're upset about the latest way he's found to be emotionally abusive, I guarantee he's not sat there feeling guilty and sorry for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. He'll backtrack now and lovebomb you and act all sad. It really fucks with your head, it's why I stayed far longer than I should have.

Find your anger about the way he is treating your CHILD if not about the way he is treating you. You have to stay strong for your child's wellbeing.

I’ve no idea, he’s such a dickhead!

I am confused, has the wedding actually taken place and did you go?

It is definitely time he fucked off.

What an absolute twat. Why would he do that to YOUR CHILD. Emotional abuse, to his own child. Why on earth would you ever want to stay with a twat like this anymore - why would you put your child through this? Can you imagine him doing this to you and your child, year after year? The emotional blackmail? Why would you ever think to pout your child through that? If you are not thinking of you, at least think of your child. Dont enable him to abuse you and your child like this.

It'll be feeling suicidal next.

Your dc needs protecting.

Everything that is happening right now and that he is doing is exactly what everyone on the this thread has been telling you would happen and what he would do.

So you KNOW how awful, abusive and manipulative his behaviour is. The proof is right there.

Keep reminding yourself of that and continue with making plans to get him out of your life.

As many others have also said, it's not just you he's abusing but your child as well.

All of this is textbook OP. He will have worse
tactics up his sleep when he realises that you won't dance to his tune.
Be strong and envision life without these twisted games every day

Exactly this.

He’s utilising every tool in the Abusers Handbook.

Many of us have experienced this exact behaviour and can see exactly what he is doing.

He’s backtracked because his threats to leave were purely an attempt to control you and they didn’t work. So he’s panicking that he’s lost his grip on you.

So now he’s going for emotional blackmail. And emotional blackmail is so effective because it plays on the emotions of a person who has a conscience. You’re feeling guilty because he’s playing the emotional blackmail card well and he knows how to tug at your conscience. He wants you to feel guilty so you’ll stay with him. Don’t fall for it. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

He even used your child to emotionally blackmail you. By telling them he was leaving, knowing full well he had no intention of doing so, but he wanted you to back down and hoped seeing your child upset would make that happen.

He’s an abusive prick.

And showing many narcissistic traits.

The only person he cares about is HIMSELF.
If you leave him, it’s cutting off his narcissistic supply. Without your attention on him, he can’t be on the pedestal he’s put himself on. He has nobody to use to help him suppress his insecurities.

He wants you to feel insecure, so he can feel empowered and not face his own insecurities. That’s why he threatened to leave. To make you feel insecure and him in control, to have power over you.

Don’t give him that power.

Take the power back for yourself.

Classic narcissistic behaviour. Just like many posters predicted, because he was no longer a part of the wedding he would absolutely find some way to ruin it for you. Then he has to make you out to be the bad guy and he's the victim so he says he leaving, expecting you to fall over yourself to convince him to stay. Obviously that didn't happen so then he back-tracked. Not only that but he's tried to make you feel guilty by getting your child upset. He has brought all of this on himself yet here you are feeling like the bad guy.

Stay strong OP. Let him move onto his dad's. Also have a look at Dr Ramani on YouTube. She specialises I narcissistic behaviour and has videos about dealing with a narcissist after a breakup. Hopefully it'll prepare you a bit for what's to come and also make you realise that you are not the problem here.

Wow what a POS he is!! Sorry OP, this is so stressful xx

OP I had one of these types in my life once.

He did intend on going to the wedding but wanted to worry you, and take out some of the joy for you, and make you grateful when he did go after all. He would have been a cunt to you at the event (bored, wants to leave etc ) while enjoying himself far as everyone else knew.

You ruined his plan! I would be laughing if I was you if it wasn’t so indicative of more serious issues.

Where he’s absolutely crossed a line is upsetting your son in an attempt to emotionally manipulate and control you.

I would be done. I would in very clear language tell him that he went too far and you won’t give him a chance to treat either of you like this again.

Once you’re free of him, the reality of the other small ways he controlled you will make themselves really clear and you’ll wonder how he got so far with it.

💐

Because you are an empathetic human being who really wants him to be sorry and to start acting like a decent partner and parent?

Unfortunately, he is a manipulative cunt - how fucking dare he upset your child like that? He doesn't deserve your sympathy, he deserves your contempt and disdain. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Dr Ramani is brilliant.

Ive watched many of her video of narcissistic behaviour.

Give them a watch @Strawberrysaucee. They’ll be eye opening for you

@Strawberrysaucee I agree with everyone else that he is now using emotional blackmail and abuse to get you to change your mind and you are letting him away with it if you give in, because you are a decent person. Not only that but if you do give in, he will use it again and again in future if you let your resolve weaken. Speak to women's aid, cab and find out what your options are.

How old is your child? Are they at school? Could you stay with Mum for a bit?