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Original poster

DH and best friends wedding

618 replies

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 07:57

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

OP posts:
RareLemur · 12/09/2024 09:00

He's charm personified now because he has realised you weren't going to cave/ make excuse for him/ beg him to stay.... Otherwise he would still be sulking and wanging on about how you did him wrong.
Do not be fooled by this sudden change of mindset and watch out for signs of him slowly reverting back.

Spicastar · 13/09/2024 00:32

He's playing you to keep you on the good side.
He'll make your life miserable again.

He will try to love bomb you now because he's realised you actually can stand up for yourself -- he didn't believe that before because in his mind he's a catch and perfection personified. Otherwise he wouldn't behave like that towards you and your best friend.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Until your 70s, 80s, 90s...? When he'll become more and more self-centred with age?

5starzz · 13/09/2024 00:47

Maybe OP detach emotionally in your head - dont give him any inkling or ammunition. If you can take the time to step back and step up to give you some perspective you will be able to see what dynamics are going on.

Be honest with trusted friends and Mum - they will already know and will support and guide you whatever your decisions now or in the future.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/09/2024 15:05

@Strawberrysaucee

I hope your DC has recovered and the wedding has gone well.

I'll admit to thinking that your husband has had some hand in your DC being unwell given the timing and I sincerely hope that he would not stoop to such a level and that all is ok other than his general level of being a dick.

Thefreckledone · 14/09/2024 02:13

This behaviour is rather suspicious. Why doesn’t he want to go even when his friends will be there? It’s also alarming he started an argument with you at the hen do, it screams controlling behaviour trying to stop you going out and having a nice time

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 14/09/2024 08:58

I'm old but remember the moment I realised I was being heavily manipulated by an ex by discovering he had drunk a load of salt water to make himself vomit to stop me going out.

I had a massive moment of realisation and I felt really shaken.

There had been loads of other stuff that hadn't make sense but once I realised about the salt thing, I adjusted my opinion of him and saw him for what he was.

It's the most horrible thing. I left a couple of weeks later when I realised that I actually despised him.

supersop60 · 14/09/2024 09:01

You could play his game OP. He has underestimated you, because you now see through his tricks.
Be equally charming back to him - he's dim enough to believe it - and don't give him any clue about your plans.

NettleTea · 14/09/2024 09:59

I hope you have managed to get to the wedding today, and are having a wonderful time with your mum and friends, as as bridesmaid

Original poster
Strawberrysaucee · 23/09/2024 11:09

Hello,

Me again.

So it kicked off again on the night of the wedding, apparently I had been ignoring him all day, not responding to him. he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore and had already had a conversation with his dad about moving in with him. I said that fine because I don't want to be with you either anymore.

Then the following morning, he said to our child who is young "daddy is going to be leaving today", our child started crying, I could hear this from the bedroom I sleep in.

Then when I took this seriously he has now completely backtracked.

The worse thing is, I now somehow feel sorry for him and my resolve is starting to weaken. He is telling me how much we mean to him, that he has never felt so low, that he loves me, that he doesn't actually want to leave.

OP posts:
kittylion2 · 23/09/2024 11:15

Keep your resolve strong OP - you notice he only backtracked when you were holding firm, and trying to manipulate you by using the feelings of a child is the lowest of the low. Of course the child is upset - his/her father made sure of it. Tell him you will not give in to his attempts at emotional blackmail and how dare he upset a child on purpose. The relationship is over because of HIS behaviour, not yours.

GreenGrass28 · 23/09/2024 11:16

If he didn’t actually want to leave he shouldn't have told you and his child that he was.

What he actually wanted to do was manipulate you and make you distressed. Do you really want to be with someone who would use their own child to do that? He sounds just awful.

Original poster
Strawberrysaucee · 23/09/2024 11:19

he has even gone as far as to say he has been sitting at his relatives graves

OP posts:
5starzz · 23/09/2024 11:22

So it kicked off again on the night of the wedding

Of course it did.

He is a very emotionally dangerous person to your child directly and indirectly by abusing and distressing you which makes you emotionally unavailable to your DC in that moment as well as over the longer as you undertandably become preoccupied with second guessing his antics. No one can be in two emotional spaces at once. Prioritise your focus on your DC. Dont let this 'relationship' rob you and your DC of that.

What vile adult sets out to make a child cry.

He is a nasty c**t.

Please dont fall for his manipulative victim shit - its self serving - just to draw you back inot punching distance.

Find a family member, friend or counsellor who can support you to navigate your way out of this relationship safely.

Please do not give him another chance to break you down - your DC needs at least one emotionally healthy and resilient parent - and they cant have this if you stay.

kittylion2 · 23/09/2024 11:27

Strawberrysaucee · 23/09/2024 11:19

he has even gone as far as to say he has been sitting at his relatives graves

Oh for heaven's sake, is his surname Addams? This is such a blatant attempt to make you feel sorry for him. (I wouldn't be able to stop myself laughing.) Well now he will have lots of time to spend in graveyards if that's what he wants to do. Don't get angry, don't get upset, just keep repeating that it's over and you need him to move out.

5starzz · 23/09/2024 11:28

Strawberrysaucee · 23/09/2024 11:19

he has even gone as far as to say he has been sitting at his relatives graves

Violins.... for who the nasty c**t who abused his young child?

He is so manipulative

Know that this will ramp up to suicide threats direct or indirect - its the abusers playbook.

Dont fall for it. Call his bluff and call the police/ambulance for a welfare check. That will either expose him or if it is real he get the professional help he needs that you are unskilled to provide.

Planesmistakenforstars · 23/09/2024 11:32

He deliberately hurt your child emotionally to manipulate you. He is using emotional abuse against your child. It couldn't be more clear what a prick he is and that you should leave him. He is love bombing you now because you didn't cave, but it is just another manipulation tool for him. All he cares about is getting his own way and he will stoop to anything to get it, and he is just looking for the tactic that will now work on you. If you let him stay then you have taught him that using your child's emotions is the thing that will work and he will do it again.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/09/2024 11:32

My exh used to be like this. Would just decide against things that he didn’t want to do when it was far too late to do so politely.

Or would ruin events whilst there if he didn’t feel like being there on the day.

He is such a classic narcissist though.

Alicenwonderland · 23/09/2024 11:37

It's called the cycle of abuse, you will go around and around in circles until one day you will have had enough. It took me 8 years before I left. It never seems 'bad enough' at the time as you've become so accustomed to it, it feels normal. It's only when you look back you realise how messed up it was.
It may feel like you can't leave but you absolutely can. I had four kids, three with disabilities, no job and I left. He put me through living hell after, dragging me through child custody court three times in four years. I don't regret leaving though, it was the best thing I did. Emotional abuse is devastating, just because he hasn't hit you, doesn't mean he isn't abuse you. It will get worse too. Xxx

5starzz · 23/09/2024 11:39

Less words.

Rinse and repeat only - "Its over you need to leave" only a couple of times.

Dont get derailed and drawn into discussion and debates with will just drain you and weaken you.

All about actions.

Walk out of the room.
Dont look at or respond to his texts.
Tell him you are finishing the call now and hang up.

Be aware what harrasment laws are - if someone contacts you two more times after you have asked them to stop - its harassment.

Keep his bad / unhinged behaviour in the public domain - text is DF, tell your DM.

Keep a record.

See a solicitor to understand what are the list of steps you need to take to end this relationship.

Take the first one.
Take the second one.

Seek lots of different types of support for yourself. Those that know and activities where you can escape and have fun/distraction.

Keep your eyes on the prize - raising an emotionally healthy child by ensuring they have at least one unconditionally focused parent.

Original poster
Strawberrysaucee · 23/09/2024 11:40

why do i feel so guilty and sorry for him?

OP posts:
5starzz · 23/09/2024 11:41

Also predict a fake health crisis (cancer scare, A&E for cardiac prob) - know its a trap. Or another fake crisis - health of a parent etc.

Dont fall fo any of it.

EC22 · 23/09/2024 11:42

Probably because you love him, caring about him doesn’t just switch off. Even if you don’t want to be with him.

Getonwitit · 23/09/2024 11:45

He is now not only mentally abusing you, he is mentally abusing your child. Are you going to allow him back into your home to abuse you both. If you can't end the relationship for your own sanity do it for your poor child. You are strong enough to protect your child. You need to become mumma bear.

kittylion2 · 23/09/2024 11:46

Strawberrysaucee · 23/09/2024 11:40

why do i feel so guilty and sorry for him?

Because he knows how to play on your feelings and emotions (although he doesn't sound like he has any himself). Please don't allow him to stay OP - as PP have said, if he realises that upsetting your child has worked, he will do it more and more. You need to protect your child (and yourself) from this.

5starzz · 23/09/2024 11:50

Getonwitit · 23/09/2024 11:45

He is now not only mentally abusing you, he is mentally abusing your child. Are you going to allow him back into your home to abuse you both. If you can't end the relationship for your own sanity do it for your poor child. You are strong enough to protect your child. You need to become mumma bear.

He is abusing your DC directly and indirectly. You have to consider yourself complicit and enabling the abuse of your DC if you stay.