DH and best friends wedding

[Strawberrysaucee]

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

He wants to make the day about him and spoil it for you.

Just say that's you've told your friend he's not coming and that's the end of it. Don't try and persuade him to come (that's what he wants) and don't in any way show you are disappointed.

Enjoy the day and then get rid of your partner. His behaviour is designed to gradually isolate you from others who matter to you. I am sure there will be other occasions you can recall where he has done similar things. He's controlling and he won't get any better. Get rid.

i don't know.

At the hen do he said it was nothing to do with me going out and he was pissed off that our child wasn't giving in to sleep and that was my fault as they had had a cat nap at lunch time (had been poorly).

With the wedding he is saying he doesn't care that I am going but makes subtle negative comments about my friend.

His behaviour is a massive red flag. By behaving like this he is interfering in your relationships with other people- in this case your best friend, attempting to drive a wedge between you by doing this and you being upset and embarrassed by it.

Be honest with yourself, what other red
flags does he have? If this is the first one it won’t be the last. It never ever is.

He sounds like a controlling twat. Go by yourself, and leave him altogether.

He sounds like a controlling prick

Financially i am going to be in a real tricky spot on my own. I have a child.

He knows this and thinks it allows him to treat you badly. It might be harder for a while but so much better in the end.

Tell her as soon as possible that he is not going.

You are clearly in an abusive controlling relationship.
He wants to ruin the wedding for you.
Its what abusive men do.
He cannot bear for you to have any joy that is not controlled by him.
The hen night was the same.

You need to reach out to Women's aid, family and friends, tell the truth.

This is a bad man, husband and father.
It will only get worse for you.
Do not get pregnant again.
It will just leave you in a worse position.

Take this very seriously, he really is an ugly abusive man.

His sole aim is to ruin this for you.
So tell her asap.

I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he comes back ssying he wants to go, it was a joke.
Do not capitulate.
He made his decision and you have told your friend.

Abuse loves secrecy.
Tell people the truth, "he refused to come last minute 🙄🤷🏻‍♀️".

No excuses.
People will get it.

Of course he will not be honest that his aim is to ruin your day, but that is indeed what he is trying to do.

This is not a once off. I bet there are loads of ways that he tries to isolate you from friends and family.

Isolation of victim is number one goal for abusers.

Take this very seriously.

Agree with every word of this.

And start thinking of a life without him. It might be trickier financially to leave but my god, do you really want this manipulative person around your child?

thank you - I am looking at options of how I could leave.

Just tell your friends he's a self centred arsehole

He is doing this to control you. This should be an exciting time and instead, the week leading up to the wedding is filled with this issue instead. You're now worrying about him not going and what to say and that is where your focus lies.

Tell him no problem at all, that you'll tell her and be honest about the reason - he doesn't want to go and won't be forced. That you're sorry your DH is like this but you won't make excuses for him anymore. Tell him that you won't be needing the childcare anymore and he can have DC then and now, if he doesn't mind you have a wedding to be looking forward to! Turn the tables.

My Dad did this to my Mum for years. Years of telling her last minute he wasn't going places. When they'd paid. When others had paid. When she was ready and dressed. Or the week before so he could watch her cry about it.

One day she went to a wedding and told everyone that the reason he wasn't there was plain and simple because he didn't want to be. The relief it gave her was palpable and she left him a few months after. (30 years too late but never been so proud of her.)

When they ask, tell them the truth. Do not cover for him.

Either,

'He's being a complete child, putting on a petted lip and saying 'because I don't want to go to your best friend's wedding.'

Or, to be completely truthful

'He likes to spoil anything I have, he's a bit of a controlling arse, and he thinks that by refusing to come with me he will make this an unpleasant ordeal for me. But, you know what? Fuck him, he's just put the last nail in the coffin of my dead love for him.'

IMO he should be paying the £115 that they have lost as he intended to go and then is backing out at the last minute with literally no good excuse. This should be on top of the wedding gift!

You tell the truth. He refused to come because he's quite controlling and selfish.

I once had a boyfriend who hit me. I walked into our local pub and someone asked me what happened to my eye. I said "Nikk hit me". Never cover for them, plan your exit, tell everyone the truth, and walk away with your head high.

You will be ok. You and your child deserve better. Dump him before the wedding and tell everyone he's not there because he's your ex.

Stop covering for him. Your friend will probably be more concerned for you. Whatever you do don’t get into an argument with her because she criticises him and you can’t help defending him, if she says he’s such a selfish shit and he hates you having fun, your response is ‘im starting to realise that.’
start looking at the financials to see how it looks if you leave him.

Do you have a sister or other good friend that can come with you?

I would be all breezy & say just double checking you are definitely not coming as telling bride today and X is free so will come with me instead. Don’t let him know you are bothered.

Yep, my DF did this on my graduation day, it's very tiring & upsetting.

Don't let your DC grow up walking on eggshells.

Loved my dad but he was coercive & controlling to my DM.

This is coercive control.

My DP isn’t a fan of social occasions so he lets me know well in advance if he’s coming somewhere or not - to do it last minute like this is a really shitty thing to do!

Please don’t lie for him as he’ll think it’s ok to do it again. I think you should tell your best friend he isn’t coming so she can manage it with the venue but other than that it’s on him.

You need to ditch him. This will only get worse.

NB: £115 per head for a MEAL? Are they MADE of money? What do you get for that?

He doesn't care about your friend or her financial loss.
He doesn't care about your feelings or that you will enjoy this less because of his actions.

I was married to an arse hole I thought things would improve once we were married, or when we had the first child, then the second. I thought I needed to fix things, be less. It didn't get better it got worse.

I couldn't see a way out until I could. I told him it was over. He moved to his mums for a few weeks to 'teach me a lesson'. Assumed I'd see sense.

I couldn't afford the house alone so I increased my hours, my parents guaranteed the mortgage. I worked two jobs. (Second job when he had kids)

It was hard, he made it hard but eventually he lost interest and found another victim. Kids got older, I eventually met a wonderful man got married and had another baby.

Now it's been nearly 20 years since we split he hasn't been in my life for about ten years. I never think about him. Dc see him occasionally but don't have much of a relationship with him.

Now that couple of years of struggle seems well worth it. The alternative would have been another twenty years of arse holary and abuse.

i think if the bride is a close friend that you know well, this will not be a shock to her. She probably has the measure of him. Go with the truth ‘ Gavin isn’t coming because he’s a massive twat’ should probably cover it. Leave the kids with him and go and have a lovely time.

He sounds awful. Do you think he's trying to put a damper on your excitement and happiness about being a bridesmaid for your best friend?

You need to tell her he is not coming. Just say he is being difficult and won't explain to you or her but you wanted to give her notice so she can save the cost or fill the space.

I too anticipate that once it's clear you aren't bothered about him going and aren't begging him, he will change his mind and you'll have to say it's too late, you declined his place as indicated and it's gone.

My next prediction is that he will then try to sabotage you going, for example by refusing to look after your child (I'm assuming a joint child). So have a plan for that, for example, can your mum babysit to avoid any last minute panic.

You need to keep grey rocking him as he's behaving like this to punish and control you (and your friend - does he have a low opinion of women in general by any chance?) If he sees its not bothering you he might give up. But I suggest you give some serious thought to getting your ducks in a row and ending the marriage if this is a recurring pattern of behaviour. It's no way to live.

Maybe get someone else to look after your child while you are at the wedding?

Tbh, I would be worried that he would take out his resentment/anger on the child.

Does he realise that you will cancel the childcare and he is swapping the wedding for some dadding?