DH and best friends wedding

[Strawberrysaucee]

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

Dont wait for him to do something "bad enough".

Him being a bell-end is a big enough reason to leave. Your happiness (or lack of it) is reason enough to leave.

I waited over 20 years to leave my controlling dick head. Dont be me.

Have a wonderful day enjoying your friends wedding. Start planning your leaving. Practice grey rock, His behaviour will worsen once he realises you had a fab time without him - and even more if he realises you are planning to leave.

Good Luck.

Do you think he maybe has a bit of a thing for your friend OP?

Aw... poor wee pet is not going to be the centre for your attention..
He is behaving like a brat.
Go to the wedding, have a great day, just say he couldn't make it.. no further explanation, except to your friend.
Then get your ducks in a row and dump him.
Life is too short, far too short, to waste on this man-child.
A few years down the line, your child would become his rival... sort this out as soon as you can.
x

This is what he's banking on. He can be a wanker but it's not 'bad enough' for you to end your relationship with him. What is 'bad enough' anyway? This is just eroding your relationship with a thousand cuts, you deserve much more than this and so does your child.

Yes totally agree - do this too!

You need to leave this man. He is an abusive controlling twat. That is enough if a reason to leave him.

Smile and tell him that you have cancelled his place at the wedding. Keep mentioning how excited you are for the day and how fun it’s going to be. He wants you to beg him to go and to be upset that he won’t go. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Put on a front, keep smiling and being positive.

As others have said - don’t cancel whatever childcare you have arranged for the day. He will 100% pull a sickie on the day or go awol, in an attempt to stop you going.

And after the wedding confide in your family and ask if they can offer you any help to leave this man. You and your child deserve so much better than a shit cocktail! (love that analogy).

He's being a complete dick, this is about ruining something that means a lot to you. Selfish and manipulative prick.

My advice is take him out of the equation completely for the wedding, removing any control from him over the day. Personally I would keep whatever childcare was arranged so he can't hold your dc's care over you. Just tell people the truth on the day without being dramatic - "he suddenly decided he didn't want to come. I've no idea why. No, he's not ill, he just decided a few weeks ago". Do NOT appear to be upset or bothered about it to him, he is desperate for any reaction to keep the attention on him.

Have an amazing time on the day. Going forward, please believe what he is showing you about himself. You deserve better and so does your dc.

If he's adamant he's not going, definitely tell your friend so she's able to get someone else in. Then tell him OK, all sorted, X knows you're not coming and your place is filled. Don't appear to give a shit either way when you tell him.

Be aware that your husband may well suddenly decide to come after all on the day just to cause as much awkwardness as possible, so I'd be making sure that the venue/ushers/whoever are aware of him and prepared to turn him away. Keep yourself well away from any of that if it happens on the day, but hopefully it won't.

As for his friends, they more than likely know what he's like. Even if they do, though, they may well not call him out on it. I had several male friends of exh approach me privately after social events (each of them more than once), saying they felt awful about how he was speaking to me, they should have said something, didn't want to cause a row etc. I used to say it's fine, not your problem and shut them down. I appreciated the sentiment but they never did a damn thing about it and they are all still friends with him superficially at least. One of them is vociferous whenever I see him (father of dd1's best mate) about what a prick xh is and is distancing himself finally. They've all told me how much they like my new dh, and exh would certainly still say they're all his mates, so nobody has ever given him the home truths he deserves. I don't expect them to but if it ever happens I'd be quietly delighted.

I was thinking that too!

Do you work?

Have you checked what you'd be entitled to and what he'd have to pay?

Do you own or rent?

OP I could have written your post a few years ago. My partner always ruined nights out for me but it was never about the the night out - it was always something else we just so happened to have an argument about at the same time.

I was a bridesmaid for my best friend - he wouldn't come to the ceremony and stayed an hour for the evening do/wouldn't socialise with anyone and wouldn't talk to me/kiss me as I had 'wine breath'. Was a real joy explaining why he'd left to all my friends.

He never did anything 'bad enough' to leave and I was almost waiting for something horrendous so I felt I could justify leaving. But it was death my a thousand cuts.

I ended up having a random week away and it was like the blindfold had come off and I realised how controlling he was. As soon as we broke up it felt like a weight had been lifted. I honestly felt lighter/ felt like I was skipping everywhere I went. I didn't realise how dragged down/isolated and controlled I'd become.

I know you're worried about financials but you will figure it out. There is always a way. I look back and wish I'd left earlier. Please take this as a sign to leave.

Start thinking of what you're future could look like for you and your child and all the adventures you could have! You don't want to walk on eggshells/stop yourself going to places and doing things because you know they'll be a kickoff.

See how much you enjoy this wedding without him. I bet he would have ruined it for you if he came. Like everyone else said - don't lie for him- tell the truth and feel how empowering it is.

What a controlling, selfish arsehole. Your child will be picking up on this even if you think they aren’t. They’ll be learning it’s only men’s stuff that takes priority and is worthwhile.

Leave, you deserve better. You might be skint for a while but it’ll sort itself out and you will be happier.

Oh and please don’t have your phone on you at the wedding, he will repeatedly call you. He’s an adult, he can sort stuff with his child out by himself. Don’t be pulled into his controlling, blackmailing, making you feel guilty ways.

This will get worse op. Exh sulked when I went out. When the dc had a party. When he ruined my 40th I knew that was the end. We were divorced before I was 41....best decision ever..

I'm so sorry for you @Strawberrysaucee and I really do believe a lot of men are like this, especially when they're younger. 20s, 30s into their mid 40s (NOT ALL MEN BUT SOME!) especially when children come along. Their mood changes because it's a lot harder than they thought it was going to be having young kids, and more of a commitment than they thought!

ALSO, they know they've got you trapped and that you will find it a lot more difficult to leave them - and they find it very easy to control your moods and keep you exactly where want you. In a place where you're as miserable as them.

Your DH is being an absolute shit. My DH behaved like this quite a few times, when my DC were younger. He was absolutely dreadful. Moody, passive aggressive, arsey, controlling, never knew what mood he would wake up in/come home from work in etc... Walking on eggshells constantly I was, and so were our 2 little DD. He would be fine sometimes of course, but you never knew when he was just going to snap into a passive aggressive, dark, miserable mood, and go silent for 2 days.

He would cause an argument, and like your DH he would say 'I'm not going now. I can't be bothered now I'm not doing it now,' (always when it was with MY family and friends) and leave me to do things on my own, or with the children. Whilst he sat at home in front of the telly or playing video games, (this was probably the first 6-7 years that we had our kids.)

I've got absolutely no idea why I stayed with him tbh, probably too scared to leave and wondered if I could survive financially alone, and nowhere else to go etc. It is easy for posters to say 'LEAVE!' but waaaaaaay more difficult to actually do it!

I did threaten to leave him one day eventually though, and even saw a solicitor about filing for divorce ... I took our 2 children and went to a hotel - booked in for 3-4 days. It absolutely shook the living shit of him - and he was terrified at the thought of losing his family. He changed his ways and since about 39-40ish, (he's nearly 60 now,) he's been a model husband. (Well a pretty good one!) And his moods and arseyness is rare....

You may not be able to afford to leave your husband and may be afraid of leaving him, but I would certainly threaten him. Just say 'you treat me like a piece of shit, and I'm not having it anymore' and serve him with a divorce petition, or at least see a solicitor and give a 'letter before action...' Go away for a few days. Please do it. Even if you don't leave him, make him see what life is going to be like without you. As I said - maybe go away for a few days with the kids to a Travelodge or something.

Tell friend the truth.

Get some legal advice. You do have the right to a happy life and he sounds shitty.

If you want to share the housing/financial situation on here, people will help you.

@Strawberrysaucee I agree with a PP who said I would tell your friend NOW he isn't coming.

If she asks why I would say "No idea. Ask him".

Then let her invite someone else and when he even brings it up again just say brightly "No worries. All sorted now. Your place has been taken and I'm going on my own! Have a nice evening in!"

Watch his face drop that you've taken control of the situation.

we private rent.

I am fully employed, on about 1750 a month.

along the south coast

Oh op you have yourself a right controling “B”
make sure you go out more often . Don’t have your phone on loud .
Don't let him ruin life for you and tell him straight you are not entertaining it .

You have a choice to get strong and not let him get away with this or let him break you slowly .

He is insecure, jealous , selfish and will hate you not making him centre of attention .

He’s not going because he can’t handle the day being a lot about you.

Bear in mind that by staying you are bringing your child up in an environment where his/her mother is not treated with respect and where his/her father is treated as the centre of the universe with you and your dc potentially walking on eggshells to ensure he's not upset.

If you have a dd, she will be taught that this is a normal way to be treated. If you have a ds, he will be taught that this is a normal way to treat his partner.

Someone else said it earlier but just reinforcing - make sure you have iron-clad childcare arrangements for the wedding. Then turn do not disturb on your phone for everyone but the babysitter. Otherwise he is likely to use your child to ruin the wedding for you, too.

You deserve better

If your friend I knows you well she may even be relieved he's not coming - he may only have been invited as he is your partner - I'm sure she can find someone to upgrade from evening etc to have his place

Edited becuase first response was on the wrong thread!

I'd tell my best friend the truth. DH doesn't want to come and I'm furious with him.

Sorry he is being like this but honestly don't make excuses or feel embarrassed. When you are asked by mutual friends why he isn't coming just respond. "He chose not to. I suggest you speak w him about why?)

And leave this won't get better

He’s a selfish dick. You already know this. Get a plan going for leaving - this won’t get better

I told my friend.

She was lovely and supportive - my mum is coming with me now.

That's lovely, I bet your mum would love to see your friend of 20 years get married