DH and best friends wedding

[Strawberrysaucee]

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

"He opted out when he was told he couldn't wear white"

😂

You'd still be better off without him in the long run

Oh I'm so glad your mum is going with you instead! He'll be fuming!!! 🤣
Seriously though, he's controlling and nasty. I too wondered if he had a thing for the bride or someone else that is going to be there.

It is his embarrassment. I would just be honest and let him deal with people thinking he is a dick.

Ah, that's lovely that you get to spend the day with your Mum instead. I bet it'll be a darn sight better day than with your husband.

I agree to not covering for him, particularly if his friends are there.

In fact, your Mum being there is perfect - there's no way that he can say it was a last minute illness. Hold him out for being exactly who he is.

"No, he isn't here - Mum came as my plus one instead. Yes, he was supposed to be here, but other than being a selfish twat I couldn't really tell you why he didn't want to come. You'll have to ask him. Anyway - better for me to let my hair down without him. Who wants another drink?"

He's sabotaging it for you. This should be a lovely day, with you somewhat in the limelight, and he doesn't like it. Sounds narcissistic.

What would I do?

One - I'd take this as a huge wake up call, and really think about whether you want this kind of life (I wouldn't).

Two - I'd tell your friend that you're having a few problems with DH, and he's not coming, but that you are sending her £115, to cover the cost of his meal.

Three - I'd go to the wedding and have an absolute ball. I would not answer any messages from him all day. I'd stay at the hotel, so I didn't have to go home. I'd be off the grid all day and night. Let him stew. Post amazing pics on SM of you smiling and having fun.

Four - I would make sure that any children who needed to be cared for, were babysat by a grandparent or friend - anyone but him - because if he watches the kid(s), he will make up some reason why you have to come home early.

Five - when I returned home, I'd be very cool, but any questions about the day, and I would say what a great time I'd had, and that it was an amazing day.

Six - Once I had decided whether to split with him, I would explain that the catalyst was him letting you down so spectacularly, and also after you being at the wedding and having an absolute blast without him, you've realised you would be happier single, or with a man who was a bit more dependable and exciting.

Stand by for your Mum going with you to not suit him either.

You have to find a workaround so you can get out of this awful marriage OP. As PPs have said, do it while DC is young so it's normal for them.

Imagine life away from this soul sucking tosser. Just being unhappy in marriage is enough to divorce. It is the main reason people divorce.

I would bet £100, that the day before the wedding, he will change his mind and demand that you ditch your Mum. DO NOT DO IT.

I wrote my post before reading that he tried to ruin the hen night. So predictable eh?

He knows he is acting like a dick, that's why he wants you to lie about it.
I think it's great that your friend knows and your mum is coming with you, far better than him coming but sulking, making sly digs and spoiling your enjoyment.
Do not feel you have to stay because of your child. Your child deserves a happy mother and a healthy environment. Not a childhood of you and them walking around on eggshells so as not to upset dad. You deserve to be happy. Not being happy is a valid reason for leaving a relationship.

This is a great solution.
I hope you get your finances together and leave this man child. I hate weddings too, but I wold not leave it until right before to refuse to go when money has been spent and it would look embarrassing.

Well done, OP. Just one thing: don't cancel childcare for your DC. If you leave the DC with him, there's a high risk that he will be "ill" or have any other problem. Expect some kind of shenanigans on the wedding day, and plan for that.

Does he know anyone at the wedding other than those in the bridal party?

As you're on bridesmaid duties/at the top table does this mean he'd effectively be on his own for much of the day? Because, depending on his personality, I'd understand him not wanting to attend effectively on his own, but he should have had that discussion with you much earlier.

Hope you sort it out and enjoy the day.

Tell your friend your husband is having a tantrum and is not coming. Ring her and tell her that in front of him. I would.

Sorry, just read update. Have a lovely day.

Please switch your phone off or block him because he'll be ringing all day with made up issues just to try and ruin your day. If you think he can't be trusted to look after your child or that he'll use the child as an excuse to make you worry or leave the wedding, then arrange an alternative babysitter so you don't have that worry.

This is classic narcissistic behaviour. They hate the limelight not being on them and in particular hate it being on their significant other. That's why he was happy to go to other weddings, because you weren't as involved. He can't stand to see you shine so has to try and ruin it for you. Please don't let him.

I'm glad you're looking at ways to escape. Even if it means living with your mum for a bit it's got to be better than living with someone like your DH.

😆😆😁😁

Now he knows your mum is going instead, and that you don't care he's not going, there is a high chance he will decide to come along on the day, to upset you and stop your mum coming.

Be prepared for this, and don't let him do it if he does try it.

Hopefully you catch the bouquet....

His reaction to being told this will be interesting. He will realise that he has failed in his efforts to undermine you and sabotage the day for you. Be prepared for something else, is he providing childcare or can you take your child with you? As a PP says, make sure you are not contactable (or give your phone to your mother) on the day itself. Then you can enjoy it without this arse of a man trying to wreck it for you.

two people he is very good friends with are sat on our table.

I asked him why he didn't want to go and he said he just didn't, that he couldn't be bothered and why would i want him there if he was just going to be miserable all day.

i also did not want to lie to my friend, and wanted him to own his decision himself. he wouldn't do this and instead said he just wouldn't come, basically whether or not I came up with an excuse.

I think if this was a one off thing, I wouldn't be as bothered by it. But it's part of a pattern of behaviour I am realizing.

He is the center of his world, everything revolves around him and how he is feeling.

You are in a better position than many other mums on Mumsnet that need / want to split up - you do not own the house so no nasty financials re splitting the sale / paying the mortgage etc. and you work full time !

All you need to do is find somewhere else to rent, unless you think he would prefer to find somewhere else ? if you decide to stay in the rental can you afford it ?

There are several online calculators that will give you an idea of what help you could get via universal credit and it only takes a couple of mins to fill out.

Is he the father of your child ? if so will he care for the child 50/50 ?
you can also do an online calculation for CMS based on how often you think he will actually have the child.

Please don't forget you will be entitled to universal credit help and he will have to pay child maintenance. I did it, it is doable x

Don’t be embarrassed and don’t cover up for him. If people ask where he is, tell the truth.

People like him get their power from their behaviour being hidden or excused or minimised.

my EXH told me when I said that I wanted a divorce that I just didn't 'appreciate' how lucky I was, I said that he didn't 'appreciate' how unhappy I was. This behaviour wont get any better. Is your DC both of yours?