DH and best friends wedding

[Strawberrysaucee]

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

I think it's upsetting as well as I would understand more if he was an introvert but he is not at all - he is the life and soul when he wants to be. we have already been to a number of weddings this year.

He has actually been really negative about this one for a while now I think about it. Just a few little comments here and there 'does she REALLY need to have another thing for her wedding' 'that is one wedding I am not looking forward to' 'it is going to be awful'

Spoiler which i'm sure is a shock to no one - the other weddings this year were his family and one of his friends.

Maybe the wedding will make it blatantly obvious he is a shite dh and your mate has got a better life?

BTW does he ruin other occasions that aren't him based?

yep, a lot of sulking and up and down moods

This is controlling behaviour. He’s exerting his power to upset you on an important day.

I have debated leaving in the past. But I always feel like he hasn't done anything quite bad enough to justify uprooting my child. But then I think - is me not being happy not enough?

I just wish finances weren't a barrier

Actually, I would lie.

because can you imagine what their on going friendship will be like?
if the bride knows her bridesmaids husband couldn’t be arsed to come to their wedding, how awkward will future social occasions be.
I think that could kill the bridesmaid’s friendship dead, through not inviting her to social couply things because they know her husband won’t want to come.

even if the arsey husband recovers his socialibility of would be hard to forget that he didn’t bother to come to their wedding. .

This! Best answer ever.

agree with this.

best case scenario is that he maybe lacks social skills and is worried about having to make polite chit chat with people he doesn’t know, while you are on bridesmaid duties.

but sounds like he just wants to make you feel bad on what should be a special day.

Tell them the truth - that he just didn't want to go and is being an arsehole about it

Reading this thread I know that I have a husband just like yours. I think you are doing the right thing if you leave him. I should follow suit, but instead I will put up with it.

Just read your updates. I had one like this. You need to leave.

you can’t live your life with someone who wants to spoil every joyful day

Definitely tell her ASAP. He's an arsehole

Just smile, shrug and say "who knows? He just decided he didn't want to come". You don't need to lie or elaborate.

Then you simply tell them the truth. Don’t lie for him, tell them he didn’t want to come! One lie usually leads to another lie….and, if you’re anything like me, it would be written all over my face!

This is such a red flag, standard controlling behaviour. I bet when it comes to it, he'll start an argument or act pissed off with you for going to the wedding without you, even though he's said he's 'fine' with it. I bet he's done this on other occasions he knows are important to you as well. He won't change, I'm sorry.

This is an awful way to act, he's letting you down too. However, I think you'll have a much better night without this cunt in tow.

Speak to your friend, confide in her. You might need to open up to someone down the line anyway so just let her know he's being a dick.

Your husband should pay the £115, it's ridiculous to back out of a wedding last minute, everyone knows the cost per person is high.

He's trying to isolate you from your own network of friends.

Make sure you have back up childcare in place for the wedding because I bet your bottom dollar he'll pull a sickie or be not well or something that will stop you going on the day. Don't tell him you have a back up.

I felt like this. In fact I posted similar on here (under another username). Someone on here said something that really stuck with me - it was something like imagine ordering a really amazing delicious cocktail, it has all these wonderful ingredients, it tastes nice but then you find out one of the ingredients is shit. So it's 90% nice, 10% shit. Even if it tasted lovely, you wouldn't drink it because it had shit in it would you? So why put up with this really shit treatment just because sometimes things are OK?

Like I say that really stuck with me. It was difficult to leave and I was scared I wouldn't be happier on my own, but I am. I'm confident you will be too.

Red flag. This is controlling behaviour - he is also trying to put you in a position where you drop out of the wedding.

Multiple red flags here of bang on classic behaviour that you’re dating a narcissist

No, she should not lie. This is her friend of 20 years. OP's husband being a controlling arsehole is unlikely to come as a complete surprise to her best friend. For all we know, she's been biting her tongue hoping OP would leave him (staying silent so that she can stay close, as shooting the messenger is not unknown).

It could be the best wedding present she's received.

It sounds to me like he is trying to cause friction between you and your best friend. Probably so he can isolate you from any support from her in future when you realise what a childish dick of a man you have married.

Does he try and get you to stay home as well or duck out of events just him and have no issues with you going?