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Original poster

DH and best friends wedding

618 replies

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 07:57

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

OP posts:
48Hourss · 06/09/2024 10:17

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 10:16

I told my friend.

She was lovely and supportive - my mum is coming with me now.

Great news, have a brilliant time

Deathraystare · 06/09/2024 10:18

When he asks you later ANYTHING about the weddig, look at him askance and say, You did not want to go, you were not interested in going.

Rory17384949 · 06/09/2024 10:18

Why doesn't he want to go? Surely he can see it's rude and inconsiderate to pull out a week before the wedding?
My DH is very introverted and hates weddings, but he accepts that it's something you just do for good friends and family. He would never accept an invitation then refuse to go a week before!
Unless your DH has a valid reason for not going (depressed/anxious?) then he just has to suck it up and go.

simpledeer · 06/09/2024 10:19

He would need to pay around 15% of his net pay in child maintenance.

Have you checked the entitled to website to see what you would get in terms of housing benefits/UC?

Curlygirli · 06/09/2024 10:19

OP you’ve had some great advice on this thread. I’m sure your best friend won’t mind, and like others have said she may have people who can take his place. Have an amazing time at the wedding, do not let him spoil a beautiful milestone in yours and your friend life.

I’m another one who has recently got rid of a controlling H, he sucked the joy out of everything. Over the years he’s slowly chipped away at me, when I challenged him about his coercive behaviour and suggested we go to marriage counselling he berated me and said it’s me who needed the counselling. So I did, and guess what…. My counsellor confirmed my husband was abusive.

I ended the marriage two months later and it’s the best thing I’ve done.

Pop your details in the benefits calculator and see if you’d be entitled to anything.

Life is far too short 💐

alrightluv · 06/09/2024 10:24

I'm glad you're mum is going.

You do need to leave him. It's easier whilst dc are small. Can you live with someone else? Mum?

alrightluv · 06/09/2024 10:26

Rory17384949 · 06/09/2024 10:18

Why doesn't he want to go? Surely he can see it's rude and inconsiderate to pull out a week before the wedding?
My DH is very introverted and hates weddings, but he accepts that it's something you just do for good friends and family. He would never accept an invitation then refuse to go a week before!
Unless your DH has a valid reason for not going (depressed/anxious?) then he just has to suck it up and go.

Because he's a selfish dick who managed to go to his own family and friend's wedding.

Inertia · 06/09/2024 10:27

Great update- I bet your friend knows exactly what he’s like, and is probably glad his sulky-arse face won’t be spoiling her photos.

Is your child coming to the wedding? I would be fully prepared for H to make a drama out of whatever you’ve arranged. If mum is looking after your child at the wedding then that’s ideal, but be prepared for H to demand your child for the day then change his mind. Don’t rely on H for childcare if it’s child free - have a reliable childcare arrangement in place.

EveningSpread · 06/09/2024 10:27

I'm so sorry you're married to such a selfish, childish man. Nobody deserves to be treated with such disdain. I don't know how anyone has the brass neck or nastiness to treat the person they're meant to love like that.

"Won't be forced" - ha! He means "I won't be considerate to you" - rather a short term strategy on his part. I hope you leave him and he sees the consequences of behaving in such a pathetic way.

Avatartar · 06/09/2024 10:28

Who is back up childcare OP if your mum is going with you? You need that firmly boxed off as it will be his last ditch attempt to stop you going

PinkyFlamingo · 06/09/2024 10:30

I can identify with this for much as it sounds very much like my ex husband. I'm not saying your DH is narcissistic but it is classic narcissistic behaviour, ultimately to make you not enjoy something that doesn't involve him.

Maray1967 · 06/09/2024 10:32

I second the comment about backup childcare - might well be needed.

Great that the bride invited your mum - that’s very thoughtful of her. Have a great time! He’s going to hate that …

MadamMaltesers · 06/09/2024 10:34

If he doesn't want to go to your friend's wedding and he isn't stopping you from going what is the problem. He has every right not to go.

And these people telling you to dump him is exactly why there is a high divorce rate in this country. The next guy you meet will also come with his challenges and what are you going to do then, dump him too?

Patience is so important in marriage. Unless there is clear evidence of abuse or the like, don't throw away your marriage over something as trivial as this.

Cesarina · 06/09/2024 10:38

Zanatdy · 06/09/2024 08:04

Well he wouldn’t be my boyfriend any longer if he was willing to let me down and put me in such an embarrassing position re the wedding. He has zero consideration for the money wasted. What’s his problem with it?

OP has stated that he's her DH...........(Dear Husband).

ScribblingPixie · 06/09/2024 10:39

Great update. She's probably pleased she isn't throwing £100+ in his direction. Don't let him put any kind of downer on you and your mum's day.

Benvolio · 06/09/2024 10:39

MadamMaltesers · 06/09/2024 10:34

If he doesn't want to go to your friend's wedding and he isn't stopping you from going what is the problem. He has every right not to go.

And these people telling you to dump him is exactly why there is a high divorce rate in this country. The next guy you meet will also come with his challenges and what are you going to do then, dump him too?

Patience is so important in marriage. Unless there is clear evidence of abuse or the like, don't throw away your marriage over something as trivial as this.

Did you read this bit? It's abusive.

*I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.*

Leafygreen84 · 06/09/2024 10:40

I’m so glad you’re going without him. I bet he’ll be furious that he hasn’t managed to fuck up your day. Ha!
Seitch your phone off in the day and enjoy family and friends time-don’t give him the opportunity to ruin it for you.

BigGhatt · 06/09/2024 10:40

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 10:16

I told my friend.

She was lovely and supportive - my mum is coming with me now.

Youll have a lovely day with your mum

OchonAgusOchonOh · 06/09/2024 10:41

MadamMaltesers · 06/09/2024 10:34

If he doesn't want to go to your friend's wedding and he isn't stopping you from going what is the problem. He has every right not to go.

And these people telling you to dump him is exactly why there is a high divorce rate in this country. The next guy you meet will also come with his challenges and what are you going to do then, dump him too?

Patience is so important in marriage. Unless there is clear evidence of abuse or the like, don't throw away your marriage over something as trivial as this.

Have you read the op's posts? This is a bit more than just not wanting to go. If he didn't want to go, he should have said when the invitation arrived, not a week before the wedding.

sandyhappypeople · 06/09/2024 10:47

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 10:16

I told my friend.

She was lovely and supportive - my mum is coming with me now.

This is the way forward OP, great result, just pretend it doesn't bother you in the slightest if you can, it will make him seeth, but eventually he'll learn that it doesn't matter what it does, you're still going to go and have a great time without him, so he may as well cram it.

Definitely don't make excuses for him, unless it truly is a one off everyone will know you are lying for him and it will just look bad on you, if you have to just say you don't know, and 'he just said he wasn't coming?' Shrug.

My sisters exH used to do this to her all the time, he would back out of something at the last minute, I told her in the end that she didn't need to lie for him, it was always 'headache' or 'stomach ache' but our take on was if he's going to be a miserable sod we didn't want him to come anyway.. yippee!

mcmooberry · 06/09/2024 10:49

Hooray for your mum going with you, a perfect solution and he will miss out if friends of his are going.
This would be a final straw situation for me too. Totally understand the financial difficulties involved in separating but hope you can make it happen.

mulberrybag · 06/09/2024 10:51

@strawberrysaucee from experience he will find a way to disrupt/prevent you from having a good time at your best friends wedding! Please take this opportunity to go, have an amazing time - turn off your phone and forget he exists for the night! The (probable) fallout the next day will show you who and what he is.
Then, set the wheels in motion to leave and get a better life for yourself and your child.
YOU deserve happiness and to put yourself first ♥️

SockSensation · 06/09/2024 10:51

If your mum's coming to the wedding, what's your childcare? Don't rely on it being him and you'll have a fantastic time!

BetterWithPockets · 06/09/2024 10:52

SockSensation · 06/09/2024 10:16

That's lovely, I bet your mum would love to see your friend of 20 years get married

Show quote history

Yes, this is really nice. Doesn’t solve the issue of your arse of a husband, but I hope you and your mum have a lovely time at the wedding.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/09/2024 10:53

Suggest if asked where he is you give a different story to everyone

"He decided not to come. You know how it is, if it's not all about him.... shrug"
"He opted out when he was told he couldn't wear white"
"Poor DH, he's at home with the raging trots/ingrown toenail/polishing the chip on his shoulder"
"Where's DH? At home I think. He didn't want to come"

Personally I would make plans to leave and give him a royal rocket about his moods and his controlling behaviour now before the wedding. Point out the pattern of behaviour and how abusive and unacceptable it is. Set out that your expectation is that he will try to ruin the day in some way for you and your friend.

But only you know if he's worth the effort, that approach presents no risk to you and whether you would be better to just spring it on him and retain the element of surprise. You also know yourself best and whether you are strong enough to challenge him or would rather step away

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