AIBU for expecting my partner to leave our house to me in his will?

[newmama2023]

My partner and I are buying a house together and we need to write our wills. We've both been married before and have children with our ex spouses.

In the event of his death, my partner wants his share of the house to go to his children immediately, meaning I would have to sell the house. I was thinking that if i died first, he could stay in the house until he passed away.

Am I being unreasonable for being upset?

Not unreasonable at all. Don’t buy a house with this man unless you’re on the same page.

If you're not happy with this arrangement, do not buy a house with him. Fwiw I would not be happy.

You are not being unreasonable-unless you are younger than or near in age to his kids. I’d do the same to him.

I'm sorry, I wouldn't agree to this, if something happens to my partner I wouldn't want to then find myself a new place to live. It's a deal-breaker for me, you may as well buy your own place now and be done with it 🤷‍♀️

No YANBU, although practically speaking what if he died 20 years before you then his children would have to wait for a long time and vice versa. Can you afford to buy his share out or get your own place in the event of his death?

I’m sure a decent solicitor can draft a will that allows this. I’m married for the second time, joint own our home and our wills stipulate leaving 50% to our respective children. However, they can’t sell until I/he leaves; be it to either to go into care or because we’ve popped our clogs! Think this is fairly standard for wills these days.

I’m editing to add - we live in a small bungalow as it is so not a case of being able to downsize further when one is dies and why should either of us? we’ve done a lot to it over the past few years and it’s our home. Each of us has put about the same amount in monetarily too.

YABU for being upset. Discuss it like adults. Why does he want them to have it immediately? Are you much younger than him? Is he worried about it being eaten up in care costs? Could you downsize or buy them out if/when it happens? I can see his concern. If I died young I would want my DH to downsize and give my DS the money I put into our house so he could use it himself as a deposit. I wouldn't want my DS to have to wait until DH dies really. It's a slightly different situation to where a house is owned by both parents jointly, when you've got separate kids you have to consider their future after you go in a different way.

It’s nice to find a man is actually putting his dc first.
Even if he changes his will to suit you he could write a new one at any time.
If you don’t agree then don’t buy a house with him.

@GuestFeatu makes a good point about care costs too, the future is unpredictable and his children could end up with nothing. I do think immediately is a bit drastic though, he could at least give you a year to sort things out!

Even if he doesn't want his DC to wait until your death to inherit, it would be more reasonable to allow you to stay living in the house for a year or two. I've recently lost my husband and getting through the grief and then all the associated admin is awful, so I wouldn't want to be being badgered to get the house up for sale too. If he won't even allow you a grace period then I personally wouldn't go ahead with buying a property together.

Edited to add: if you go ahead, then take the mortgage as tenants in common, not joint tenants, to protect your half of the house. Either will it to your DC immediately, like he's doing, or leave it in trust to them and give him a lifetime interest, if you're feeling more charitable than he is.

Whilst the remaining spouse living in the house is a logical option

it can be a nightmare for the kids
as it’s there’s and they have to fund maintaining it yet can free any cash up

guy I used to work with had this the house was going to rack and ruin and stepmum couldn’t maintain it

he couldn’t afford to pay
also the council put a charge against it when she went into care which took forever to sort

he was stuck in rented whilst stepmum lived in massive crumbling house

I do think there’s middle ground a few years grace to sort things rather than immediately

The Will is fine. You just need to write the property into trust so that you get to stay there if he does and the children inherit after you've died.
It's a pretty standard clause.

I'd be talking to him about different options.

Can he take out life insurance for his dc instead of the house having to be sold? I agree his half should go to his dc, but not as a result of you being g made homeless

I think also as there are stepchildren concerned, what if after he died you met someone else? On the face of it, it seems harsh but it is probably practical (also as PP said, you are not left homeless). It's proposed a good idea for you to think about these scenarios for yourself and your children and then for you to both to sit down and have a chat. It seems uncomfortable but it's good to get it sorted now

I think he’s right. Why should his children wait for their inheritance while an unrelated person lives in their half a house for potentially decades?
Much depends on circumstances, ages, length of relationship though.
I assume you’re happy for him to live in your half a property for as long as he likes after you die?
Seen too many people upset their children by prioritising their latest partner. Children come first to me.

You only need to read some of the threads on here to see why life interests can be a nightmare. He's putting his children first - as should you. If you unexpectedly died next year would you want him to have/stay in the house indefinitely - what if he met someone else? How old are all your children, are they likely to want to maintain a relationship with the partners once their parent dies?

So whilst dealing with the grief of losing him, lets say your ~75 years old when this happens, he loves you that much that he wants you to sell up and half the house proceeds go to his kids. Not a care about you or what you will do at this point in your life? 🚩

This

Its really so important to be aligned on your plans and vision for the future and ensure you discuss all these things BEFORE commiting to someone via cohabitation, marriage or children.

Do not buy together unless there is a clear agreement that you are happy with.
Also be aware if he is doing it to keep you quiet he might change his will after you buy.

Also if you are a "newmama23" is that child not his?

in these circumstances I would suggest a 3 year grace period?

Simple don't buy a house with him. Id also be rethinking the relationship of someone who wants you to move from your house on his death. Yanbu

In this sensation I am one of the "children". We are in our 40s and our dad's house was in trust to us but new wife can live there until she dies. They were married for 10 years before he died and she was a lot younger get than him and she had/has her own money. She has now retired early living in the mortgage free joint house whilst we have to wait. She could buy her own house be obviously chooses not to.

You're buying a house together. That's to have a roof over both your heads, not sweep it away if one dies. The kids aren't buying it, you are, so if it needs to be sold at some point for care fees so be it. It isn't their house.
I wouldn't buy with him because he could change his will at any time without you knowing. He's showing you how much he cares about your security in later years.

How old are the children?

I'd be asking for there to be a clause written, stating that you can stay in the house for a set time before needing to sell.

This is what happened when FIL died, his wife (DH stepmum) was welcome to stay for 3 years (she didn't own any of the house) even though she had her own property that she rented out. It just felt right, there's no way she could have managed the grief and having to move immediately. As it was, she didn't wait the 3 years and gave her tenants notice then moved into her flat months later.

That is not the same situation. Op and her partner are planning to buy a house together.

I wouldn't be happy and I would not buy a house under these circumstances with him.