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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for expecting my partner to leave our house to me in his will?

158 replies

newmama2023 · 05/09/2024 06:25

My partner and I are buying a house together and we need to write our wills. We've both been married before and have children with our ex spouses.

In the event of his death, my partner wants his share of the house to go to his children immediately, meaning I would have to sell the house. I was thinking that if i died first, he could stay in the house until he passed away.

Am I being unreasonable for being upset?

OP posts:
KhakiShaker · 05/09/2024 10:33

Yeah that’s not ok. My DP has kids and our house (tenants in common not joint tenants) goes into trust if he dies first. I can live in it and then ultimately his share goes to his kids.

This is fairly normal practice for people buying a house when they don’t share kids. What’s his objection?

Cornflakelover · 05/09/2024 10:34

If she goes ahead she needs to protect her deposit as a minimum and not get married as that can revoke a deed a if trust

how can he leave his kids his share ( his share is 0 at the moment )

Your friend would be committing financial suicide if she doesn’t protect her 50k

Newdaynewdrama · 05/09/2024 10:47

My friend has a similar set up and they have it written that she/he can remain living in the house for 2 years as a minimum before it being sold/funds transferred.
This is home to children too and it's not fair for them to just be turfed out after the death of someone close!
You need to have a serious chat about this before going ahead.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 05/09/2024 10:47

What would happen if he were injured and needed care for the rest of his life? The house would be sold to pay for the care.

They need to get married or not buy a house together.

MellersSmellers · 05/09/2024 10:53

TimeIretired · 05/09/2024 06:28

I’m sure a decent solicitor can draft a will that allows this. I’m married for the second time, joint own our home and our wills stipulate leaving 50% to our respective children. However, they can’t sell until I/he leaves; be it to either to go into care or because we’ve popped our clogs! Think this is fairly standard for wills these days.

I’m editing to add - we live in a small bungalow as it is so not a case of being able to downsize further when one is dies and why should either of us? we’ve done a lot to it over the past few years and it’s our home. Each of us has put about the same amount in monetarily too.

Edited

This.
I don't think he is being unreasonable if, as I understand, you're not married and you don't have children between you. As @TimeIretired says, being gifted 50% of the house immediately doesn't have to mean that they take possession of 50% of the value immediately, they just get their names on the deeds.

LBFseBrom · 05/09/2024 10:56

Not unreasonable, you, or he, should be able to stay in the house for as long as you want, even for life.

Be clear about this and if he doesn't agree, do not buy a house jointly. Please.

aCatCalledFawkes · 05/09/2024 11:06

Not unreasonable at all. What happens if you both 80 and he dies which means you may be left homeless and looking for accomodation in your 80s. I would stay where you are and not risk it.

Pinguastic · 05/09/2024 11:07

This plan seems most rational if he is thinking about being fair to everyone in his life. And about how inheritance is understood. And considering your children are not shared.

MN don’t need to explain situation If either of you outlived the other and the outlive partner can get a new partner they marry and live in the house. It gets exponentially complicated.

The fair thing is to agree this for both of your children.

aCatCalledFawkes · 05/09/2024 11:10

Sfxde24 · 05/09/2024 07:10

I think he’s right. Why should his children wait for their inheritance while an unrelated person lives in their half a house for potentially decades?
Much depends on circumstances, ages, length of relationship though.
I assume you’re happy for him to live in your half a property for as long as he likes after you die?
Seen too many people upset their children by prioritising their latest partner. Children come first to me.

Right ok. So if you did that, and he dies when she is 80, how is she going to have the means to rehome herself then? This is her home too which she is also putting money in to. Houses are a joint investment and asset between her and her partner not the children.

TwoBlueFish · 05/09/2024 11:10

He should absolutely leave his share to his children. However he should write it so that she can stay in the house for x number of years after his death. She should do exactly the same for her share. As she is putting more money into the house it should be ringfenced. They should hold the property as tenants in common.

Snoken · 05/09/2024 11:13

aCatCalledFawkes · 05/09/2024 11:10

Right ok. So if you did that, and he dies when she is 80, how is she going to have the means to rehome herself then? This is her home too which she is also putting money in to. Houses are a joint investment and asset between her and her partner not the children.

Show quote history

By then she will be mortgage free so she could downsize perhaps? I think the best suggestion so far though is to get life insurance for both parties so that if they want to stay there is enough money there to buy out the children.

sanityisamyth · 05/09/2024 11:16

Galoop · 05/09/2024 06:27

No YANBU, although practically speaking what if he died 20 years before you then his children would have to wait for a long time and vice versa. Can you afford to buy his share out or get your own place in the event of his death?

Why should the children expect to get anything? Can't they wait until both purchasers die and then the children get the house split between them?

Rachie1973 · 05/09/2024 11:16

My DH spoke of this. I made it very clear to him that this is OUR home.

we have bought it together. He’s older than me. He has 2 kids, I have 4.

When one of us dies, and he does have Multiple Myeloma so it’s going to happen this house is mine in it’s entirety. Not half with a trust clause etc. mine. 100% mine. We both contributed so he’s not giving my home away.

He understands.

TemuSpecialBuy · 05/09/2024 11:17

Poor OP 😅😅😅

honestly your friend should buy her own house given her partner seems to have zero deposit (red flag)

Let him sort himself out and split time between the houses

Cosyblankets · 05/09/2024 11:20

What is she planning to do with her share when she dies? What about her kids?
If she's putting 50k in and he's putting nothing in then this needs to be reflected in the ownership and the % stipulated.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/09/2024 11:20

She has put in 50000 and he hasnt put anything in

Why would she have done that without any agreement about protecting what she's invested?

It doesn't sound very sensible to me, and hopefully it's not too late to rescue the £50k if the house hasn't actually been bought yet?
In any case I wouldn't go ahead with the purchase without this being sorted out

aCatCalledFawkes · 05/09/2024 11:24

Snoken · 05/09/2024 11:13

By then she will be mortgage free so she could downsize perhaps? I think the best suggestion so far though is to get life insurance for both parties so that if they want to stay there is enough money there to buy out the children.

Show quote history

You want an 80yr old woman who has just lost her partner to now sell her home and hopefully find something of half the budget of her old house without even knowing what house prices are going to be like? Thats crazy, there is no way I would sign anything like that, you have to protect yourself first.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 05/09/2024 11:25

Galoop · 05/09/2024 06:31

@GuestFeatu makes a good point about care costs too, the future is unpredictable and his children could end up with nothing. I do think immediately is a bit drastic though, he could at least give you a year to sort things out!

If the house is owned in defined shares as tenants in common then care fees can only be taken from the portion of the property owned by the person going into care, so OPs care needs can't be covered by his portion of the house. OP can be given a lifetime interest in the property, it delays realisation of the asset value, but doesn't effect his DC ownership.

Beautiful3 · 05/09/2024 11:29

Your friend needs to ring fence the £50,000 she's put down on the house. Acknowledging this in the will, will mean she gets her money back as well as her half.

DrinkElephants · 05/09/2024 11:30

I think the way to get round this is his half of the house goes into trust for his kids upon his death. With the stipulation you get to live there until you die.

This happened to my dad and the solicitor recommended this approach.

Best of both worlds as understandably he wants his kids to inherit something.

countrysidelife2024 · 05/09/2024 11:34

no he is right. Is he dies the house goes to you but then when you die your kids would inherit the whole house not his, he is protecting his children AS HE RIGHTLY SHOULD

alrightluv · 05/09/2024 11:35

I'd start another post or get your friend to sign up.

theemmadilemma · 05/09/2024 11:37

Get a solicitor fast. Just for her.

Protect her assets at all costs.

Take it from experience.

GoldenLegend · 05/09/2024 11:50

GuestFeatu · 05/09/2024 06:28

YABU for being upset. Discuss it like adults. Why does he want them to have it immediately? Are you much younger than him? Is he worried about it being eaten up in care costs? Could you downsize or buy them out if/when it happens? I can see his concern. If I died young I would want my DH to downsize and give my DS the money I put into our house so he could use it himself as a deposit. I wouldn't want my DS to have to wait until DH dies really. It's a slightly different situation to where a house is owned by both parents jointly, when you've got separate kids you have to consider their future after you go in a different way.

She’s entirely reasonable to be upset. This would leave her homeless if her partner died. FFS. There’s nothing to suggest she hasn’t tried to discuss it like an adult.

TorghunKhan · 05/09/2024 12:01

His kids are more important to him than you are. Any parent would say the same surely? Kids come first, always and forever.