SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

This is sounding like financial abuse. Purely because-

You have no income - your partner controls what you have, and with children and top up shops it is unlikely you can ever get anything for yourself

It means each month you have to ask for money, so its not an equal dynamic - almost like spence for a child

You already are the vulnerable party in the relationship if he is the sole earner - so the control over what you can have without knowing anything about finances suggests that he has decided he has that power to do so and that you should simply be grateful.

If you had an equal viewing and say in finances and say you had a joint account which you used for the childrens stuff and top up shops (with all bills), but you both get 250 in a seperate account for whatever you want to get (or another amount, whether you decide not to replace your necessities and instead spend on the children), that would not be as bad.

The inability to buy presents for family and friends - is this a choice or because the 250 won't stretch? Does he buy presents for his side? This should be equal and out of the joint money if his is too. You agreed to lose your income to do your part and now you have no financial freedom.

Another side note might be he could be hiding financial difficulty from you and establishing older traditional roles - but it seems unlikely when he does the big spends you mentioned. There is no problem with him buying clothes etc everyone has a right - but you should be able to as well.

Me and my fiance have a joint account and we can be the 'spends police' on each other sometimes, but we are trying our best to save for wedding and its mutual decision - but we still end up buying stuff. Tends to be talk about things over a set amount or if its something we aimply don't 'need'.

I hope this helps x

Agree this sounds like financial abuse.

Please go back to work - and make sure childcare costs are shared, not just yours.

If he will come to marriage counselling then do it.

Yes it matters whether there is money in the pot but if he's buying himself new clothes and a new phone it sounds like there is money for him. £250 is a ridiculously small amount for three kids and one adult for a month.

Good luck OP and sorry you are going through this

This sounds very abusive, telling you to stay in, making decisions without you, refusing to let you work. £250 is not enough for bills and extra for the kids let alone for you to live your life. It's sad you say you don't buy anything for yourself or get others gifts. You sound impoverished. I think being a SAHM can only work if you have a husband who respects you and the role you are doing, otherwise you end up as a skivvy. You need to go back to work. He needs to pay for childcare and you need totally joint transparency on finances. If he won't do this then I can't see how you could continue with him.

Basically this. He's a dick and he's treating you like an idiot that he doesn't respect.
Go back to work and make him pay half the extortionate nursery fees

Do you even know how much he earns? I'd be snooping for payslips if I were you.

Could you not ask for a separate card for the kids stuff? I don’t see why you should have to ask though. Or I’d go back to work. The money is not really for you by the sounds of it. He’s treating you like a possession. I’d bring this up with your therapist.

Why did you ever agree to this set up? You need to go back to full time work ASAP.

Please understand how abnormal this is. Most SAHMs have free and equal access to all household money. Why wouldn't they?

Sadly i don't actually think this is true. Loads i know are either with controlling bastards or (more common), they wanted to be a sahm and he didn't agree/thinks they can't afford it, and she doesn't ask for more money because she knows the answer is "you need to work if you want more money, we have no more" - and she doesn't want to work while kids are young.

He’s abusive. Stop paying for anything for your DSC, that’s his to pay for, not yours. You need to get back to work, if he refuses to pay childcare, tell him you will divorce him and claim maintenance, although frankly I think you should do that anyway rather than raising your children around a man who sees women as second class.

So he won't pay for childcare but expects you to provide childcare for his child ?

Divorce, claim UC and they will pay for childcare for you to work.

He doesn't believe my top up shops are necessary. I buy nice things that he sometimes doesn't get in the main shop, or isn't available when we do the main shop vut might be available in Lidl for example. He thinks such shops are surplus to our needs (although consumes everything I purchase).

He also doesn't think it's necessary for me to be leaving the house if I know I'm tight on money. He said my card being declined was my fault.

Again he's always telling me that he's responsible for the DC's expenses but it's easier getting the odd thing myself rather than having to ask him and wait for him to buy it.

He has sent me top ups when I've been low on funds in the past. Over the holidays I wanted to take the kids out to the aquarium for example and he send over the cost of tickets, but everything else (public transport, food etc) I paid for.

Do you get the child benefit?

No, because he gets it from my DSC so it was easier for him to get it for my 2 DC

Sounds like financial abuse to me too

I misread so edited initial post.

He’s financially abusive. You’re caring for a stepchild too and going without because of it.

Can you make plans to divorce? Unfortunately, I don’t see any other option.

Contact CB office and get yourself on there as the main parent in receipt of Child benefit for a start! You'll need to as you're not working and need your NI stamps.

Woah OP you need to be getting that sorted out ASAP for the sake of your future state pension but also your children who need that money.
All kinds of wrong and this looks alot like financial abuse to me, too.

You should be having it. Quietly phone them and change it.

This sounds miserable OP and is no life.

Work on a get out plan. If you think you'd make headway, you could sit him down and show him this thread or lay out how unfair it all is. But if you think it would be waste of time then skip that step and get out of this controlling relationship and get your independence back. It'll be hard with young kids but not impossible, and totally worth it.

you Are losing pension years here OP …..that CB needs to be claimed by you…..and that money available to you…..do it today

You know I think I was expecting and prepared to give up my financial independence, and knew I'd be dependent on him entirely. But the thing I'm finding difficult is the loss of my financial autonomy - the ability to make decisions (even small petty ones like choosing what Italian biscuits to buy from a shop one day). Not being able to pay the train to see a friend, to buy gifts for my family. It's not so much h the dependence I'm struggling but the lack of autonomy.

I would suggest getting a part time job either evenings or his days off. Make him look after all the kids, he will probably change his tune after a couple of weekends alone with them lol

How much roughly do you think he earns eg is he minimum wage or a big earner £80k+? We need to know really to advice so we can work out whats fair.

so you can keep track of your money with a clear view, download a banking app so you can see, before you go out how much you have to avoid that situation again. Im sorry that happened to you

personally, i would look to get yourself back to work 16 hrs. Id, in all honesty, look to leave him. Youll be much better off as a single parent. You are pretty much anyway. Get that child benefit changed back to your account. Go online and do it

you need a plan and to get your 🦆 in a row x

You are being financially abused and controlled op.

As you can't seem to see this, I would suggest a call to woman's aid.

What you need to do in your situation is

1. Get back to work
2. Get a divorce