SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

But you need to as it is now your income and expenditure.

This is your first problem. As a SAHM I know exactly what DH earns, I see all our bank statements and credit card bills, I know how much is in his pension (and I have my own too), I know where all our savings are and how to access them and I know pretty much what each of us spends. Everything is transparent.

There is absolutely no way I’d have given up my job (which paid nearly as much as his) if I wasn’t an entirely equal partner. I’m entirely dependent on him financially so of course I need to know what’s what!

I certainly don't understand my DH's income or expenditures since he doesn't disclose this with me.

So why did you quit “to start a family”?
You don’t need to be out of work to have children and you certainly didn’t have a supportive partner from the outset if you don’t have any information on his earnings. I just can’t believe you put yourself in this situation, but it’s done now and you need to figure out what your plan is going forward for your kids.

This.

returning to work isn’t enough. You’ve seen his true colours — he’s a financial abuser and a controlling misogynist. How can you bear to stay with him?

You need to go back to work as soon as you can. If you don’t know how much he earns you don’t know if this is really all he can afford if he lives frugally and only occasionally has a splurge.

tobe honest you should never have agreed to quit your job, have babies, and have him support you when you didn’t know what that looked like.

I think so many women think being a SAHM is the perfect answer but they do not consider the full picture. This site is full of stories of where this goes wrong. Man withholds money, is controlling, has an affair and leaves etc. even if you are absolutely sure your DP/DH is fair you must never rely on a man for your financial security.

OP you should have never walked into this without knowing his salary and how it will be split.

Your mental health is being damages because you’re in a financially abusive relationship.

£250? That’s revolting. How do you make £125 last for a month? I am on mat leave and my husband sends me what I earn at work. I’ve put my career on hold for our family and to look after the baby. Long term if I decided to stay at home I would have a card for his account. Tell him that you’re going back full time and he needs to cover nursery costs…

No, I would never have children with anyone unless we had a joint account and entirely equal decisioning over finances.
£250 is ridiculous.

I'm a SAHM. My husband and I are a team, everything is joint. He hates dealing with finances so I do all of it.

We set aside the right amount for bills into one account and then the rest is ours for food/petrol/disposable cash. I deal with pensions, insurance, tax etc.

I don't think it would occur to him to question what I spend or allocate money to me. He checks with me how we're doing for money as he has no idea.

Just saying this to illustrate how vastly different it all is. My friend and her husband are completely separate financially and they seem to work well too.

It's about cooperation - if you're a family no-one should be allocated money and refused any.

This is a very privileged comment. The vast majority of single income husbands wouldn’t simply be able to send the sahm her precious salary.
The reason this set up is problematic is the way finances are dealt with, the fact that it’s not an open conversation where both parties have and equal say, it’s not specifically the £250. If the income also needs to save to buy a home then there may not be the funds for more than £250 in discretionary spending.

You can’t trust him - go back to work and regain your independence. There’s no reason he gets all the day on how the family money is spent - I would hate this and really resent him.

So he has trapped you with no means of escape because he won’t take care of or pay for child are

Sounds like financial abuse
Tell him you are going to get a job and expect him to pay share of child care

He can't just choose not to contribute towards childcare, he has 3 of them! He really has you trapped here and it's absolutely controlling and abusive. This is not a good man. Get a plan, follow it, get out. Don't assume that these are just normal sacrifices women do when they have kids, they really aren't. He's treating you as a lesser human whilst he's the lord of the family. Disgusting exuse of a man.

It is not 'his' income, it is your family income. Insist on full transparency and equal access to funds and decisions. If he won't provide this then you are literally a slave.

Bloody hell. So he makes you live hand to mouth because he refuses to contribute towards childcare or disclose how much he earns to you? All the while using your money to pay for his kid?

If you need it spelling out OP, this isn’t normal and it’s abusive. Unless he is prepared to sit down and discuss finances/getting you back to work/associated childcare costs I’d be looking at leaving the relationship.

I agree it does come across as privileged and apologise if I made OP feel lesser in any way. Thanks for pulling me up on it. My intention was to emphasise that my DH appreciates what I am sacrificing for our family. I know we are in a privileged position for him to be able to do this. I suppose I got the impression that OP’s DH could afford to give her more money but is not doing so and does not care that she is struggling despite her sacrifices.

You are married to an inconsiderate, controlling and miserly knob. Hope that helps.

Been a SAHM 17 years and spend whatever is necessary for the whole family. DH doesn't question it. There isn't a set allowance. That's ridiculous. It's family income.

Are you getting all the Child Benefit money? All UC money into your account?

Why are you with him?

Yes, if my husband paid me what I used to earn at work as well as supporting the whole household and paying into a pension, we wouldn’t be able to pay any bills and would be bankrupt! (And definitely appreciates what I’m doing for the family). I’m sure there are many SAHP households out there with thousands leftover every month that could afford this but there are many many more that are just about making ends meet on 1 income

It doesn’t appear that OP’s husband is struggling to make ends meet though.

You need to go back to work. You can’t be a SAHM with a man like that.

Honestly? At best he's taking the piss, but sounds more like financial abuse. You're not a five year old getting pocket money. If he's not prepared to treat you like the equal you are, go back to work and get rid of him.