SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

You've not got this quite right have you. Bill him for all the things you do for him, the home and the kids . He wouldn't get much change out of £100.000 a year!!?

If there’s no money to spare then your current circumstances won’t be able to change. It sounds like you are doing without a lot of things and it’s really hard. Maybe as you say, going back to work may help.

Another one speaking up that this isn't right I'm afraid @Belling112 The lack of transparency, and not including you in important financial decisions, is disrespectful and shows he does not see you as his equal. The 'allowance' and refusal to give you access to joint family income, or give you more money, when you're looking after your children plus his child that isn't yours, does raise alarm bells.

All of this put together is financial abuse. I know that sounds a bit full-on to hear from so many people, it might be that perhaps your husband hasn't really thought all of this through, and just needs sitting down and it pointing out to him regarding the disparaging way he is treating you, his wife, his EQUAL. This might be a light-bulb moment and then things can change from there.

However, if it isn't, then he really is a financial abuser, rather than just a bit of a muppet.

I'm a SAHM and in the beginning, my husband was a bit like this, not quite to your husband's extent, but he'd check my receipts and tell me I'm spending too much (on household essentials), whilst spending whatever he likes. He also wouldn't include me in major decisions. I had a very firm word with him and got it nipped in the bud in the early days. I made it clear to him that we'd made a joint decision for me to be a SAHM and that it is family money, not "his" money, and things needed to be equal. He took it on board and it's all fine. I think it can be hard for men to adjust to life changing once there are children involved. I'm not trying to excuse their muppetness but they do often need things blatantly pointed out to them sometimes.

I've always known what my husband earns, since we were dating, it is odd how secretive your husband is around income and expenditure.

I'm lost for words again.

There’s so much wrong with this I don’t know where to begin.
You’re not equals. He’s not being your partner. You have as much say as him in the budget; do another one. Pay all bills, split what’s left equally. He doesn’t get to choose. It’s not ‘his’ money. It’s both of yours. End of. Change your thinking here op as you’ve got it all wrong… if he disagrees and won’t share money - well you’ve got two choices; go back to work and keep separate accounts and get legal advice; or divorce because he’s really your partner and is using you to have kids basically. At your own disadvantage. Whilst his life goes on.

You have left yourself in a very vulnerable financial position without understanding the finances in the first place. You will have to return to work as soon as you can. Can’t you get a part time job when he isn’t working such as in a pub at weekend or something.

Tbh I’m wondering if this is actually financial abuse op. I think you should call women’s aid and see what advice they have. He’s a prick your DH. Good luck x

This is awful. He's being financially abusive and treating you as the help.

You need to go back to work.

This

Go back to work now, he pays half childcare, start stashing money away and make a plan to leave this abusive arse. And if he won't help with childcare for your joint kids, you don't lift a finger for his kid.

my DH refused to pay for childcare.

You know this could be seen as financial abuse, and a version of coercive control, which is against the law, don't you? There is a law against coercive control - he is breaking the law by trying to control you via money.

Omg you quit your job to be a SAHM and you don't even want to ask your husband what he earns or how he'd fund a household?

You need to go back to work, that's the only way out of this. If he doesn't want to pay for childcare he can stay at home on £125 a month instead.

Not be married to a ridiculous man who doesn’t understand an egalitarian relationship.

when I was a sahp I had full access to all accounts. DH and I discussed all financial decisions. Every penny he earned was considered “our” money.

If you want to stay married to him, I would go back to work asap. I would also only agree to do half of the nursery drop-off and pick-ups and half the sick days. You can’t let your career suffer. He doesn’t view you as a team.

How did you get to the point of marrying this man, having 2 children with him and giving up your own job without discussing his income and expenditure and how the household would manage finances. It's mindblowing.
You need to sit down and have a full and transparent about finances, and arrangements going forward. Options including pooled money, returning to work, divorce.

OP - surely you knew what your DP was earning before you made the decision to become A SAHM?

This should not be “the cost of motherhood.” I’m a SAHM, and my husband and I have equal access to our joint account.

Childcare is a family expense.
If you go back to work, all money into a joint account and pay it from there.

Usually I would ask if he can actually afford to provide more than you are getting as many homes can't afford to pay the bills on one income let alone have nice amounts of disposable income each.

I think it is controlling for him to solely know the family's financial position and make decisions for the family treating you as the little woman who should be grateful for what he is providing. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who did not treat me as an equal partner. He would be contributing to childcare if you go back to work. He's trying to prevent you from returning to work because he likes you where you are and doing what you are doing. It suits him but you are unhappy. That to me feels controlling and abusive. He would probably view it as him providing you and the kids with a good life and you being ungrateful.

Why are you paying to entertain his DSC and for groceries out of your spending money? Those are household bills.

You either need to go back to work, or start biking him for the childcare you're providing. This is crazy.

This whole situation is just awful and he's treating you like a household appliance.

As you're a sahp to all his children (inc one that isn't yours) the money he earns should be split 50/50 after all the household bills have been paid.

He can't refuse to pay the childcare they are HIS children. Well he can, but I'd consider that a divorce making decision.

This is potentially abuse. It’s certainly not a good partnership. What if you tell him you are not willing ever to have your card declined at the shop again, that he won’t fund his family nor pay for childcare, so you are forced to take two actions. 1. Get some weekend or evening work where he can parent so you can work. 2. Tell all your friends and family you are broke because your dh refuses to share money, so that they know you don’t go out with them because you can’t afford to, not because you don’t want to, and that you value their friendship.

You sound far too passive OP.
You need to tell directly that things need to change. You need to know exactly what’s coming in.
Where does child benefit go?
Does DC1 get child maintenance from the mother?
What exactly does he earn?
What goes into pension and savings?

You need more money for incidental expenses for four people. If there isn’t enough then go back to work.

Do not accept a refusal to discuss. He is treating you like a skivvy. Woman up. How are you going to raise this? You need to make it very clear this is no longer negotiable. Tell him you are in a vulnerable position and unhappy with this patronising treatment. He can trust you and you need to know you can trust him.

OP I’m really sorry you are in this position. Your husband as PP have said is seeing you as solely responsible for the children, but they are equally yours. If you return to work he should pay for childcare too- they’re his children. How can he buy himself clothes and not see it’s outrageous that his children don’t have access to healthy food and enriching activities. I’m sorry- it makes him abhorrent. I’m your position, I would be returning to work.

Hi OP. This isn't about being. SAHM or working. You are with a financially abusive man - that's the bottom line.

Even when you are back at work, he still won't share his salary with you or tell you how much he has or treat you as an equal partner. So if you earn less, thst will be your problem. He is not family-minded. He is selfish and sees the kids as your responsibility while he sails on with his career unimpeded..

I don't know how you can bear to even be in the same room as him.

These men never change. It's not even about money, it's a mentality. He has shown you who he is.

I think you need to separate from him. I'm so sorry. Anything is better than being given 'pocket money' like this. No wonder you struggle with depression.

How did you ever agree to this 'allowance' situation???

Please understand how abnormal this is. Most SAHMs have free and equal access to all household money. Why wouldn't they?

Stop saying things like 'well I have no say because I don't earn.' Seriously STOP this now. It's ridiculous.

You are the mother of his two children and looking after HIS other child. You are keeping them safe and alive every day - you deserve his utmost respect.

But men like this will never get it. You shouldn't even need to explain - if he doesn't see this instinctively, it's not worth it. He is destined to be alone as no woman would abide this.

I'm sorry but this has to stop today. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children. Do you want them growing up in a financially abusive household? You can go back to work, sure, but he won't change. He will never share with the mother of his children. That is a sad and appalling model for children - they will know and it's damaging.