SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

@Belling112 so your husband actually has another account into which his wages are paid?? you are not seeing the full picture so even just looking at a joint account is pointless. he could have 3k left to himself every month whereas you are skint and we are not even at the end of the first week of the month? do you see what is happening here??????

I find it odd that this wasn't discussed and sorted as you were considering starting a family. If you don't know your husbands Income how did you both know you could afford to give up work?

OP your husband is not a good person. This is financial abuse.

Well if he won’t pay for childcare then I would make it clear you’ll only be responsible for your two and leave him to sort dsc.
Personally I’d issue an ultimatum. He supports you properly or you leave.
He’s a controlling and selfish miser.

whose decision was it to give up your job? did you make it jointly and didn't you discuss finances before? what was the agreement? I couldn't live like that and rather would return to work.

Oh op.

You should have had a conversation about finances, salaries etc before giving up work.

He is a mean abusive twat.

All our money is family money to which I had full access as a SAHP.
What you are describing is financial abuse.

I certainly don't understand my DH's income or expenditures since he doesn't disclose this with me.

why on earth did you think it was a good idea to give up your job? What he is doing is not ok but how on earth did you think becoming a sahm was a good idea given your complete ignorance about the financial situation? This should have formed the basis of a joint discussion from which such a huge decision is made.

I have to be honest, I simply cannot imagine living like that. Any money in our household is family money. We both have equal access to it, and neither of us polices the other. I’m a sahm (kind of, self employed but always have ds with me) and DH works his arse off, but he’s never once given even a hint of the impression he considers it ‘his’ money.
In your situation, I’d definitely be looking to return to work asap and, frankly, making plans to leave him.

Bill him for child care. 100% for the stepchild, 50% for your children. You are making a significant financial contribution to the household, which he isn’t recognizing at all. And he “won’t pay” for nursery! How? Is he going to force you to be a SAHM if you decide you don’t want to?

I think it depends ...

1. On how much money DH earns. If there is no spare money, there is no spare money
2. on whether he knows that you are spending some of your money on food shopping and things for the DC - which I would aruge he should pay for under your arrangement. If he thinks you're spending £250 just on yourself, then, he might well feel that this should be more than enough.

So your DP gives you £250 a month which clearly isn’t enough with what you are expected to pay for, he refuses to contribute to childcare if you return to work and we also expects you to care for his child - your DSC.

You need to return to work, even part-time and refuse to look after your DSC going forward. You also need to consider leaving your partner.

In a true partnership both partners arrange their time and money to ensure that each has the same amount of free money and the same amount of free time. Any other arrangement means that one partner doesn't respect the other and is taking advantage.

You and dh need to have a serious discussion about finances, with total transparency and agreement on all major spending decisions. If he won't agree to that you need marriage counseling.

Completely agree, OP don't spend a penny on his child.
However, it's also unfair of him to shut you out from the family finances. You're his life partner, you should have access to everything. And agree on how to spend his salary together.

You're not a child to be given erm pocket money.

Is custody of DSC shared? Is he paying child support?

Sounds like loads of red flags.

Go back to work. He will quickly pay for childcare if you leave him with the kids and head to work at 7am.

This. Having a man pay me pocket money would give me the ick.

This is a ridiculous situation bordering on, if not already, financial abuse. I think you need to go back to work. The childcare hours are for children from nine months.

How do you suggest she does that when he wont talk about it? There's a big difference between someone choosing not to be involved in the finances and someone being excluded from it and denied any knowledge or input in the situation. OP is also providing child care for a child that isn't hers and he won't even discuss paying child care so she can go back to work, it's just a no. That's him being controlling, not her ignoring reality.

You have kids, you should have a joint account

well he is a cheapskate. I’m a SAHM always been since married 10 years ago. Before that i was psychologist, so i earned good money aswell, but hated my jo and want to focus on my family. I have 2 ASD kids so being a SAHM its the best for my family.

My husband transfer me £2k permonth for food, kids essentials and whatever i want to buy for that month. He is earning £5k. He pays mortgage, bills, cars, etc. And all the rest of his earning its in our joint account. He is very transparent with money.

You should at least know how much he earns!

You need to go back to work, for several reasons.

It’ll start to shift the balance of power in the relationship. Your husband is being a controlling arse, you can’t rebalance it by asking him nicely to disclose his finances and give you a bigger allowance. You need to be earning.

It’ll start to re-establish your career and
set you up for a future that might
not include being together with him.

It’ll give you a stronger sense of identity and a different purpose to complement motherhood, which could help your mental health / PND.

OP, all this stuff is NOT the price you pay for motherhood. Please focus on getting that independence back.

I agree with this. Major red flags.

I’m a SAHP with full and equal access to all our household money and financial decisions
In my opinion this is the only way having a SAHP can work. Earned income is family money as childcare/running the home is not being outsourced.

None of that sounds healthy. I'm a SAHM at present, all of DH wages go into our joint account and we budget for bills and savings from that. Everything left over is just as much mine as it is his.

If your DH won't do the the same, I'd strongly consider going back to work earlier than planned.