SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

I've finally responded to a colleague and accepted some online teaching this semester. It's only a couple of hours a week but it's a start.

I can't bring myself to call Women's Aid. There are moments when I doubt myself and find it difficult to accept this might be financial abuse rather than just a normal marital dispute or an incompatibility in communication styles or managing finances.

Re your @Newname5565 comment about women expecting or using marriage or motherhood to stay at home and be maintained- what of men who use marriage as a means of gaining a round the clock housekeeping and maid (regardless of whether or not she works additionally outside the home)? You're suggesting women should continue to pursue work and career opportunities and not to rely on men without acknowledging how economically disadvantaged women are after having children, and also omitting that men rely on us to get carry their children, to go through childbirth, to sustain their children through our own bodies when we breastfeed, and even when male partners share the load of early child care in particular, the load is always biased against the woman. It just isn't an even playing field.

@sunraze yes DSC is having to change schools unfortunately. He's not started back yet while my husband waits on an appeal. It's funny thinking about this now, but my husband actually suggested I homeschooled him. I told him that I'd be happy to do that if certain provisions were afforded to me: namely a designated study space for him, a cleaner once a week, a baby sitter 2 or 3 days a week, and a budget to allow for the purchase of books and stationery, and to facilitate trips out. The conversation did not proceed further!

Thank you all for your responses and advice. Just trying to keep my head down and catch up with work/personal admin stuff today.

You sound lovely and wholly reasonable Belling. You are spot on in your response to that poster earlier. If men want a SAHW so they can carry on at work totally unimpeded by kids and they don't want to use / pay for childcare - then obviously it goes without saying that they need to have totally shared finances to facilitate that. They don't get to pick and choose. Shared finances is simply indisputable if one person is a SAHP.

Great that you picked up some teaching hours. I bet he's threatened by your potential actually. Men like this always are.

"We'd always had in our minds that I'd be SAHM to save on childcare costs but also because I felt it was better for the kids for me to be around. "

🤔

After following this whole thread, I don't think walking out is the way forward and cud leave OP and the kids worse off than she is at the moment.
Definitely talk to people, listen to advice, think things through properly first.

Glad to hear that @Belling112 - I hope getting reconnected to colleagues outside the house will help your recovery.

'Suggested you home school him'- of course he did! Expected cost to him of his son - 0. Totally normal and fair...

I doubt you as an intelligent person have married a man this slow of understanding. The truth will dawn on you over time.

Prioritise paid work. Even if you're not totally convinced enough to call women's aid you really don't want to end up with no job options or contacts in 3 or 5 years or however long it takes.

To be honest @Belling112 the only other couple I know where finances were hidden like this, the 'd' h was a fraud and is in jail now.

You should be getting the child benefit. You are missing out on national insurance contributions.

@Belling112 before you start work can you go into town and open a new bank account that your (d) h does not know about and will not have access to? have your wages paid into that ! get yourself some savings behind you for you and your childrens' future??

I opened a starling account in my own home. That is an idea for OP.

Dailydolly My comment was in reply to Newnames post which was then deleted. It was NOT directed at the OP.

I was asking if Newname had any understanding. And also saying that in different circumstances Newnames comments might have some validity but NOT in relation the awful position the OP finds herself being abused

Great idea re separate account. Op can also open one online. I opened one recently for my son and we had a video call with the bank and just had to show birth certificate and proof of address. Its an option for her

I've finally responded to a colleague and accepted some online teaching this semester. It's only a couple of hours a week but it's a start.

@Belling112 I'm so pleased to read this.

And all the small steps that other MNers have posted - open your own bank account and maybe pick up some other kinds of work.

Your intellectual rational understanding of your situation is spot on:

what of men who use marriage as a means of gaining a round the clock housekeeping and maid (regardless of whether or not she works additionally outside the home)? You're suggesting women should continue to pursue work and career opportunities and not to rely on men without acknowledging how economically disadvantaged women are after having children, and also omitting that men rely on us to get carry their children, to go through childbirth, to sustain their children through our own bodies when we breastfeed, and even when male partners share the load of early child care in particular, the load is always biased against the woman. It just isn't an even playing field.

This is a cut out & keep paragraph for any of us wanting to argue against stupid men in the workplace who tell us "Well you've got equality now. What more do you want."

And it demonstrates your ability to argue against some of the frankly unfeeling & unimaginative PPS is excellent. YOu've still got it! You have your academic skills - please celebrate this!

I've been thinking about other places for gentle support, if Women's Aid is a step too far (and I wonder if there's a shame element - someone highly qualified, with a PhD etc etc shouldn't have "got herself" [pah!] in the position in which you find yourself. But honestly, we academics are as likely to be betrayed & abused by a narcisssist man as anyone else.

You could post about academic jobs and possibilities for someone in your beleaguered situation on MN in the "Academic Common Room" section. It's a gentle (mostly) and supportive place.

If you do FaceBook, there's an excellent - really excellent - group called Women In Academia Support Network Careers Support (WIASN). It's a closed group, but you can ask to join. It's a safe place (as far as anywhere on FaceBook can be safe), and iirc, one of the Administrators or Moderators has had her own issues with an abusive (now ex) - husband. You can request to post anonymously, and the whole group is very supportive.

This is very generous, thank you.

I think a lot of it is shame, but more than I've put myself is this situation following years of trying to get my mother to escape a similar situation. But I see things in myself I don't like: trauma bonding, codependcy, weakness, little resilience. I may need to seek help from charities eventually, but I have a plan in place for the next few months regarding work at least. My next big task outside of work is to tackle the issue of the child benefit.

My husband doesn't know how many bank accounts I have, nor does he have access to them. He does know how much I earn/could earn. I think 2 empty accounts is enough for now 😆.

Thank you for your recommendations on where else I can network or get support.

Thanks to everyone for your advice and encouragement. I'm really very grateful and feel like I'm in a much better place today than I was a few days ago thanks to you.

🙏

@Belling112 this is also an essential point. That’s your right.. you’re also losing those by him having the CB. Perhaps you could talk to a friend or relative irl about all of this if you don’t want to call women’s aid. Don’t sit with it alone, I think if things got worse you would be really vulnerable. Wishing you lots of luck x

Are you looking after DSC full time as well? I think you need to go back to work. It will give you a sense of purpose, it will put you in control of your finances a little better, it will improve your mental health and feeling if self-worth and you won’t have to go cap in hand to your DH. I would start applying for jobs and putting your children on nursery waiting lists or looking into the possibility of getting a Nanny or Childminder in place and make it absolutely clear that this is what you are doing because you feel he has backed you into a corner. He is being grossly unreasonable and unsupportive, and bordering on abusive towards you. I wish you all the best.

To add to the having the CB for NI contributions discussion you need to include that we don't know what else will be "judged" on NI contributions in the future. For all we know future treatment could be prioritised based on it (unlikely but who knows).

Also what about your pension whilst you are not working looking after HIS children?

So sorry you're going through this OP, it must have been such a shock to read all these replies and start to realise you are in an abusive marriage. It's not uncommon to doubt this, despite knowing you'd advise a friend to get out if they were telling you it was happening to them!

Could you speak to your husband about pensions - ask him to confirm he is paying into a pension for you whilst you are a SAHM (I can guarantee he isn't - but given you need to "justify" asking him for money, you could try to get him to make a start whilst you get your ducks in a row).

Child benefit - how certain are you that he's receiving it? Is it possible that he actually earns too much so isn't entitled to it at all?

For those saying the OP should be grateful etc - £250 is not far off how much child benefit would be for 3 children. So if the OP's husband IS receiving this, he's actually only giving her maybe £20-£50 a month from his own earnings, despite the fact one of these children isn't even hers and yet he expects her to pay for them. So even if he too only has £250 a month disposable income, his is purely for himself - OP has to use hers for 3 children as well. And you can vet your bottom dollar that his £250 will be AFTER his direct debits etc.

OP I presume your husband was the higher earner before you stopped working, or else it wouldn't have made sense for it to be you that stopped working (unless of course he's the type who thinks the man should earn more so was jealous). You can probably safely assume he earns at least the amount you were earning full time. Maybe this will help you to start to try to work out exactly what he does earn? Could you share what his job is, or something vague enough to not be outing? Maybe someone here will know average salaries for it.

I think if you can see it in black and white, you might find it easier to accept you are being financially abused.

I know you aren't ready to talk to Women's Aid yet, but please do go to your doctor and get help for your depression. This may then help you to feel you can fight this.

Good luck because I know this isn't easy, and is extremely overwhelming.

If you are not working

You can pay a maximum of £2880 into a SIPP private pension per year & the 20% tax rebate gets added on top of this automatically

So you should request he does this for you each year.

How are things op. Did you manage to work on the paper? How are things at home and with getting the Child Benefit changed over to you?

Might I suggest you physically go into a bank if you can do so without the kids. Financial abuse posters are up in High street banks . Try chose the one where he has his account, but any might advise. Or ring a bank and hold on for an operator and ask for an appointment to discus this financial abuse. I’ve been the boiling frog in this situation and didn’t realise for years.

remind him of your rights if you had to split, ie 50 % of the assets but first try and find out how much there is .

In conversation mention coercive controlling behaviour - he may just believe it’s his responsibility to save, and doesn’t trust you ( women) financially .
good luck . xx