SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

Why has he decided £250 is the amount of spending money you have? How much ‘spending’ money do you think he has each month?

I have full access to our joint account and we both have the same amount going into our personal accounts for personal spending (excludes health related stuff). Big purhases like holidays are dicussed together.

I guess the key question is what is your dh eatning and is he left with substantially more than £250 to spend as he chooses a month.

If he has £1000 & you get only £250 then things need to even up, if he gives you £250 & only has £100 for himself then I'm not sure how you change things.

I think it depends on if he can actually afford to give you more?

I don't actually know how much he has left. He isn't a big spender, but does on occasions splash out on numerous pieces if clothing, and a new phone, whereas I'd never be able to do that.

I’m a SAHP with full and equal access to all our household money and financial decisions - I’d say what your husband is doing is bordering on financial abuse. If a frank discussion didn’t resolve things I’d suggest working out how to split up and go back to work before you completely lose your career.

(Edit - I’m saying abuse because he’s making financial decisions entirely alone, isn’t giving a clear picture of his finances and most glaringly won’t consider paying towards childcare for his own children so OP can work. Not specifically the £250. Who spends what on clothes and what’s reasonable to spend on socialising is more a matter of budget and personal opinion.)

Do you know how much money comes in and goes out? Like is there excess money and he’s just choosing not to give more. Does he spend excessively on himself only whilst neglecting the family? Like he will be unreasonable if that’s the case but if there’s no unending pot of money, surely you have to budget. What other option does he have except get into debts.

I think you might have a rose tinted view of how far the money earned should go especially as he’s supporting a family of 5 on one salary, you want him to save to get on the property ladder, at the same time, you want more money to be able to socialise as you want, come on

How much does he earn? What is £250 as a proportion of his earnings?

Are you happy to be a SAHP, is he happy with being the sole earner?

Is there any reason why you can't return to work at least part time?

What will you do if he doesn't increase your "allowance", it doesn't seem he will even entertain properly pooling all his earnings into a joint account and to give you access to it.

All of this would depend on your back story. Are you a good budgeter, etc
If his salary pays for the majority of things anyway, don't use the 250 for larger purchases, save it. Ask him to buy directly all other things.

This is madness, I’m a SAHM and all money is joint - there’s never a question of what I spend our money on. I don’t think it works otherwise. Equally does he mean he won’t pay for childcare - these are decisions you need to make jointly and you are both responsible for your children not just you!

I'm a SAHM and I have full access to everything, I wasn't going to leave my secure employment if I didn't have authority over the financial decisions that impact me and my children

Go back to work. This prince will only treat you as an equal when you’re paying into the family pot.

And no, £250 is not very much walking around money, particularly as some are f it goes on bills.

Sorry @Belling112 but you seem totally unaware of household income and expenditure.

You need to educate yourself on everything and fast. Until.you do then no one can advise or assist.

This doesn't sound like a marriage of equals OP.
It sounds incredibly 1950s.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership
So you should be included in financial decisions.

I've supported myself for 15 years before I married. Always lived alone, always paid my way.

I certainly don't understand my DH's income or expenditures since he doesn't disclose this with me.

Do you know how much he earns? Are you claiming child benefit? Are you aware of how much he has in savings / pensions? Do you have savings? As a SAHM there’s no way I would of agreed to being given an allowance each month and being kept away from all financial decisions when I’ve given up my career to look after his children. And in your case even DSC. We have complete financial transparency and actually I do all finances. I really feel for you it sounds like a horrible situation

Go back to work. He's a controlling arse.

That's your bigger issue isn't it @Belling112 you're not a team as you don't know income and expenditure.

When can you go back to work? My dh would never pay me £250 and say I needed to budget better without us both understanding the full picture and it being fair.

I’m a SAHP and I deal with the finances as DH says I’ve got a better idea on what’s what (I generally do the spending/more time to faff about changing suppliers).

DH wage still goes into his current account. We/I decided how much we need to in the joint account at the beginning of the month to cover bills/expenses and then he puts a couple of £££ in their extra. When that gets low he either automatically tops it up, or I poke my head around his office door and ask him if he’s topped it up as I’m going out. We talk constantly throughout the month on how we’re doing financially, if he’s having to do lots of ‘top ups’ or if we’re doing well.

We also have a joint saving account and I have my own personal account. He never asks what I’m spending ‘my’/our money on. He refers to his wages as ‘we get paid/our wages’ and all financial decisions are discussed. I know exactly how much he’s paid and how much we’ve got in savings. As soon as we got engaged we showed each other how much we had in our accounts/wages etc.

DH says to me if I feel bad for overspending/treating myself that he can only go to work because what I do at home. It’s a team effort.

Are you funding your step children out of this money too?

Go back to work he can deal with his own kids expenses.

With two shared and one step child and need to compromise and agree on financial decisions. If he's shutting you out and refusing to listen, I'd say you have no choice but to unilaterally decide what works for you financially which probably means returning to work and telling him that it's because you're an adult and need to be able to make your own financial decisions which he isn't letting you do. Work out a budget of what you'll be earning and what childcare costs and what you each need to contribute. He might also need to drop hours or work flexibly in this new arrangement. Present him with your arrangement and see if that makes him see reason!

I've been a SAHP and so has my husband. We both always had access to the money and just had chats on what we could reasonably spend.

To add- I struggled a lot with PND (why I see the therapist), and find my mental health declines at home. I also is find it difficult to manage 3 kids at home by myself sometimes.

Also I am not a wasteful person. We very seldom eat out because I prefer to cook all our meals for example.

Do you get child benefit on top of the allowance? You need this to keep up your NI contributions. You should have equal access to funds and certainly know how much is coming in/going out

What benefit is there to you to stay with a man like this!? “Refuses” to spend any money on childcare? Doesn’t think you should be involved in the household finances??

Get back to work. I'd then divorce the controlling arsehole and he can look after his 3 children more than he does that, but I'm like that.

If you sat him down and said, "this feels like financial abuse and something needs to change" what would be say?