SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

This thread is not about you @Newname5565 .

Your sound like you have even lower expectations of men and of life than OP. Or perhaps you are an incel - in which case, you know where to go.

While your posts are tragic reading - this is not the place for whatever it is you're trying to convince yourself about.

OP, I really do feel for you.

What did he actually say when you told him to show you the bank accounts?

Oh get real @Newname5565 if you actually read the OP’s posts and had even a milligram of empathy you might understand just how abusive her husband is being.

He wanted her to be a SAHM.

He will not give her the information she asks for about their finances.

The OP supported herself and saved a considerable sum of money before she met and married this man. Her savings were spent on supporting her mother in trying to escape being abused by her father.

The OP has gone back to work and arranged for her mother to provide childcare for the DC and the husband’s child (DSC). But because her husband didn’t see care for his DC as a shared family expense, it cost the OP more than she could earn.

Read the fucking thread @Newname5565

Sounds so tough. Thinking of you..

I have reported your posts NewName. The thread is not about you.

Don't feed the troll 🙏😬

Same here

This is so depressing. Another woman agreeing to give up work to be a sahm, only to find herself worse off in every conceivable way a couple of years down the line. Women desperately need to have the hard conversations, set the ground rules and demand full financial transparency, before agreeing to do this. So many women fall victim to this shit, time and again.

Op, I'm sorry you're in this situation. But the only person who can get yourself out of this now is you. You've kept up your professional qualifications. Prioritise your mental health, get back to work, get your independence and autonomy back. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to start making changes now, today. Small steps. You'll feel better once you have a plan in place. This situation is untenable.

It's perfectly understandable how you viewed this man as a way out of dysfunction at home: everybody in your situation would have wished for the same. Your wishes were right, your goal was noble: he is not any of these things. But it's not your fault.
Back to the practical side: so your mum can't be of much help (maybe she can be useful in other ways, but you should protect yourself from her). Friends, women's organisations... Hang in there, don't give up: you're strong. You've overcome so much!

OP, it sounds to me as if the two DC you have with this awful man are very small - are they twin babies?

Have you been basically stuck at home all school holidays with two babies and a bored DSC who you can't take out because you have no money?

Anyone would go stir crazy in that situation, week in week out. No wonder you're depressed. I feel very sorry for your DSC too - does he have any friends over? How old is he?

And now he's changed schools as well - is that right? You have a lot going on. I'm so sorry.

Speak to womens aid, they will be able to advise you

This. You can blame others OP, but only you can get yourself out of the mess.

This. You can blame others OP, but only you can get yourself out of the mess.

OP is not “blaming others”. She’s in a fairly desperate state of mind and is seeking help. Tone down the sanctimony.

It may sound obvious to you that it’s a bad idea to be a SAHM without having full visibility over your partner’s finances. But if you have grown up with abuse it’s not as straightforward as this. How helpful is it to crow about how much more financially savvy you are now?

I'm not sure 'savvy' is the word I'd use in that one's case @Thepeopleversuswork .

No, fair point. At any rate a period of dignified silence from @Newname5565 would be helpful.

You don’t need to be financially savvy to understand marriage is not a meal ticket. I’ve not made this about me, you are!

It’s unlikely that OPs partner suddenly turned abusive. If he never shared finances before kids, what made OP think he’ll be more transparent later?

Yes dear.

Have you actually heard of Coercive control? Do you have any idea whatsoever how insidious that is and how quickly someone unknowingly loses their sense of self. I dont believe you are a troll. I do believe you have no idea!

Having said that I would agree with much of what you say if this was in different circumstances and if it wasnt so patently obvious that this is a major coercive control serious emotional abuse situation.

And where OP has a family background of unhealthy financial relationships and PND. Understanding and support will go a lot further than comparisons to other people with a very different history. If you have a healthy relationship how about sharing how you manage it, and what normal for you looks like, rather than expecting OP to magically ‘get it’ and chastising her when she doesn’t.

Hope you're ok today OP.