SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

Good point. Your not contributing to a private pension via a workplace and im guessing not your NI contribution either which will affect your government pension. You need to start to take control of your situation. I couldn’t live without my independence/financial independence x

@Itsdefinitelytimeforanamechange Don't apologise, it's good to hear of other people's situations, whether well off or poor. Especially as we (and OP it seems), don't know OPs husband's financial position!

He sounds abusive & controlling op. He keeps you short of money, he could transfer child benefit to you,thinks you don't need to leave the house, has effectively cut you off from your friends.
Contact Women's Aid about getting support & confide in a friend or family.

Look at getting back to work too to give you financial independence. How old are your children?

This

But you shouldn’t have to ask for permission or the money- you are his partner. You are neither his child nor his employee.
This is not budgeting, this is financial control.

Do you know why he split up with the mother of your dsc op?

He's financially abusing you. He's keeping you skint and making it impossible for you to work because he refuses to pay for childcare. He's also making it impossible for you to leave him.

I imagine that your current situation contributes to your poor mental health. It's like you are trapped.

I think you need to talk to womans aid and work on an exit strategy. You can't live like this.

You must have some idea how much he earns?

The more you say @Belling112 the harder it is to read your thread.

Your husband is abusing you. It's coercive control. And as such, you'll get legal aid to divorce him.

You need to start contributing to the household bills. Your DH is responsible for every single expense. Maybe £250 is all there is to spare for unnecessary expenses. .

He is financially abusive.
When I was a SHM, we had a joint account into which £1000 (several years ago) was paid for shopping for me and dc. And whenever I said the amount needed to go up it did, no problem.

I would suggest you look to return your work sooner rather than later.

And I would be looking to make him an Ex.

Please, if you do nothing else, get the child benefit put into your name for your two DC. Even if his income means you don’t receive the money. You need the NI years.

@Belling112 you really need to get the child benefit transferred into your name. You are the children's primary carer. In the UK, claiming Child Benefit automatically gives parents and carers National Insurance credits (NICs) towards their State Pension. You might not qualify for a state pension if you haven't paid enough contributions. Then you'll be fucked financially in your later years as well.

The whole point of child benefit is that it's paid to the main carer @Belling112 - wow. Can't believe you've accepted this.

It sounds difficult to guage exactly how unreasonable that amount is. It really depends on what he earns.
I would be very wary of being married to someone who refuses to disclose basic information relating to the family finances, his salary and outgoings being key examples.
He sounds quite rigid in his thinking, and dismissive of you as an equal partner.
This for me would be waving red flags about like crazy. I think you need to insist of seeing how much he has each month and what it's being spent on. He cannot dictate to you so specifically while withholding important information.
As soon as you can, are you planning on returning to work? At least that way you'll have your own source of income.
But I have to say your husband sounds a bit controlling. Even if he genuinely cannot afford to give more than 250, he's not being transparent.

Why has he have to give you money? Isn't the money he makes for all of you? Are you an adult? Then why does he seem to think you're unable to reason or discern in matters of money? You shouldn't be given an allowance: you should have full access to the family money. He contributes to the family by earning it; you do ALL THE REST. Both adults, reasonable and discerning individuals, each contributing to the family as a whole. Things are so much easy and enjoyable when spouses cooperate!

Yeah, I no longer think whether he can afford more is the point - he's taken the child benefit for your kids, and, you have no understanding of the family finances.

I'd not have agreed to this, I don't think most of us would.

If he won't share his income and family outgoings with you, then you should go back to work. You need to protect yourself here as he clearly won't.

Why though did you not know you didn't have enough money if the money is being "sent" to your account? I get that he isn't giving you enough money, but if you're not actually aware of what you're spending, then I'm sure there is an argument for you taking that responsibility? Do you not have online banking to check?

This is awful, I hope you can claw back some autonomy. Since he’s unwilling to discuss or disclose anything, I think you need to seek help from Women’s Aid at this stage. Find out what you can do without his permission (eg get child benefit paid to you). Once you’re back at work you should leave. He’s shown you who he is. He’s controlling you while you’re vulnerable.

@Belling112 you should talk to close friends and family in real life about this, are you isolated? Trying to understand how you ended up here.

I can't imagine my mum thinking it was alright if my dh told me to stay at home and not buy food unless she knew we all knew that we were broke and struggling to make ends meet.

The not being able to afford transport to see friends and family too...

This you need to change. You are loosing your entitlement to state pension whilst he is claiming the child benefits. You can absolutely claim separately for your child and absolutely need to. (Even if the abuser reduces your allowance by the amount as a result).

This is probably all a shock to you op, so you may need some time to absorb.

At a guess - did he love bomb you, then you move in together very quickly, did you start caring for his child very quickly, and have your own too. If you did, I'm afraid this is textbook, and it happens far far too often.

If he won't tell you how much he earns, which is bizzare in any case, you could find out ball park figure on a site like this, won't be totally accurate but will give you an idea.
https://www.totaljobs.com/salary-checker/salary-calculator

Sorry you are going through this OP. As PP have said, the child benefit should be in your name, you are the main carer. Was it your DPs idea to put it in his name?

Do you not receive the child benefit into your account and is it not in your name?

I’m a SAHM at the moment but I have full access to our finances and know what is coming in and out each month. DH owns a business so we tend to discuss it a lot as some months are better than others and as I mainly deal with the household stuff, some months we have higher expenses for birthdays/christmas/seasonal clothes etc.

I have a budgeted amount paid into my account each month which is what I use for the food shopping, days out and general day to day stuff. We stick an agreed amount into savings and the rest (bar a nominal amount for DH to spend on whatever) goes into the joint account to cover the mortgage and bills. I’ll take more out the joint account though if I ever need to though and I don’t feel bad but if I have to regularly go in then we can review how much my budget is and to increase if needed.

I would not be happy with your current set up at all and as others have said, it is financial abuse. My DH would be mortified if he heard my card had got declined in a shop for food and would take it as a personal failing on his part rather than berating me for not budgeting properly.