SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

Have you actually read s single thing ghe OP has said before writing that completely unreasonable patronising and smug response. I rarely comment in quite such a descriptive way but your tidiculous response to this OP in such a patently awful position through no fault of her own, is like a red rag to a bull

You do have somewhere to go. You have your mum. Take your kids and go. Go online and claim UC credit today, as a single parent. You’ll be able to apply for the advance almost immediately and you’ll have the advance in your bank account in a couple of days.
With little kids, you’re not expected to work. If you do work, UC will pay towards your childcare. Then at 8am tomorrow, you call child maintenance service and put in a claim for child maintenance. Once those are done, you then make a claim for the child benefit and they will decide which do you gets it. You will win that as primary carer with all the other claims in your name.

It sounds overwhelming but just go. The guy is abusing you.

Surely if you went back to work.ypud have money to pay for childcare. It's always good to earn your own money.

I'm not on the tenancy. He rented this house with my DSC before I moved in so he won't leave.

My mum is equally penniless. I do stay with her for a week or 2 at a time for some respite, but I don't want to burden her financially, and while I contribute as much as I can while I'm there, I cannot support myself and DC there for long (and I will not ask my husband). The last time I stayed there, me and my mum had an argument and she said some unkind things (demonstrating perhaps a degree of internalised misogony) referencing my husband, marriage, and my mental health. I don't really want to go back there at the moment.

It's been an absolutely hellish 3 years (although problems have been ongoing since I was a child). My father has abused my mum in ways you cannot imagine. I spent my entire 20s supporting my mum financially, and sorting problems between them. Trying to mediate, or getting others to mediate. Calling my dad's friends, family friends, in the latest case, lawyers and housing officers for my mum. The situation isinfinitely worse than I will ever be able to describe here. And this has been my entire life. I married this man to be free of all that. I was prepared to give up my entire life, my livelihood, the home I built for myself, and accepted being a SAHM and a full time parent to a child that wasn't mine, because I thought I was marrying a generous and sentient being. He knows all the issues I've had. He sees the horror that are my arms every day. I made such a mistake trusting him, against my better judgment. But I cannot express how strong was my desire to escape my parent's troubles and how much it had worn me down.

I've been really unwell since my teens. I self harmed a lot, my entire arms are covered in scars. I frequently overdosed on OTC PKs. I don't know how I'm still here. How I managed to work and study, and start a family. I've always felt so detached from myself, when catching my reflection, or not recognising myself in the mirror or in photos. The scary thing is now sometimes when I look at photos of my DC, I don't recognise them.

I could stay with my friend in the city I lived and worked in before I married. She doesn't know about the issues with my husband. I can just about afford an advance single if I book it in advance and midweek, but I don't know how I will support myself while I'm there, and for how long I could stay there.

I'm really sorry it was not my intention for the thread to go this way. Thanks again for all your support.

No, I’m in today’s world. I see Independent women who see rights and responsibilities as two sides of the same coin.

You can’t have it both ways. Contribute equally and you get equal rights. And no, housework is not financial contribution. It’s just something working women/men also do.

Would you take your kids with you to see your friend?

OP, I empathise with your past. However, you need to see the points im trying to make. If your DH makes under £60k, you cannot afford a lot of “nice things” on his income alone. Going somewhere, sitting in cafes, visiting aquariums, buying gifts for your family - these cost money. They are luxuries for some. Unfortunately, given the inflation and cost of living crisis, £60k doesn’t go far.

You said you had an offer for employment but your DH refused to pay for childcare. Can he afford to pay? Does he make enough to have that money left after paying for everything for his family? Even if he uses up his £30k savings, what after that runs out?

You said you gave up employment to be a SAHM. Is this something you both agreed on ? Or was it entirely your decision? You said DSS goes to school, what did you do when he was at school? What you mean by full time parent? Do you think working women are part-time parents?

You need to start putting numbers on paper. You said he doesn’t tell you about finances. Has he always been like that? How did you leave your job without knowing if he earns enough to pay for your expected lifestyle?

Also. I urge you to think carefully before you leave your husband. In a few years, your twins will be in school and you can easily go back to work.

Benefits will not be “generous”.

Better to be poor on benefits than in an unhappy relationship. You obviously have low standards for a relationship.

Sorry if you've said this and I've missed it, but are you under the GP for your depression and on antidepressants? If so it sounds like you need a review, if not it's high time you made an appointment x

@Newname5565 My expected lifestyle was to buy deodorant, and to not wash my hair with 35p shower gel. DH wanted me to become a SAHM but I was happy to comply. He promised to cover my living expenses (including professional fees, in case I needed to go back to work). My DSC has special needs. I don't know what he can or cannot afford despite my best efforts to find out.

@BurntBroccoli yes, with my DC

Then have a conversation with him. It wasn’t a good decision to leave your job without being sure if your husband can afford to give your the lifestyle you want.

Tell me one thing, if he can only afford to give you the current lifestyle, would you leave him or stay with him and adjust your expectations (and expenses) accordingly?

It’s time for a solid conversation - you need to find out if he can actually afford to pay. If he still doesn’t talk finances, try couples therapy.

People here jump quickly to say “leave”. Being a single parent is hard. Life on benefits is hard. Just be sure you are not leaving a hard working man working to provide for his family. If you are convinced he is a nasty piece, you know what to do.

I don’t see marriage/ relationship as a meal ticket.

OP is unhappy because she can’t freely spend money on going out, cafe’s etc. I’m only pointing out that her expected lifestyle may not be possible on benefits.

He promised her. He was obviously lying but you trust your spouse usually. Hindsight is a great thing but you make it sound like it is her fault. At least UC will pay the childcare she needs to get a job and financial freedom. You talk like a man who has been divorced and lost half your assets.

lol, I can assure you, I’m a woman. I sound like a man because I take equal financial responsibility for the children I chose to create.

Oh so lets be clear here.

HIS child has special needs and he coerced you under false pretences to become a SAHM to his child, with assurances that he would cover your costs?

Meaning he gets to continue to work and earn while you in effect are in servitude to him and his child.

I have heard it all.

I would be packing my bags and going anywhere and I mean anywhere and leave him to figure out childcare for his child.

You poor poor woman.
Please contact your friend.
Please go to your mother, tune out her bullshit.
Just leave him to the consequences of the financial abuse.

You could walk into any police station and ask for help.
Please do it OP.

This is such a bad man.
Of course he promised you the world.
He needed a childminder for his child so he could work.

You work 24/7 for £250 a month.

@Newname5565 you seem to purposefully ignore the fact that it’s less the amount OP has issues with and more complete lack of autonomy/transparency/partnership she has in financial (and other) matters. If they sat down together and looked at the financial situation and made joint decision on spending priorities (among others rental costs/area, holidays of any etc) then OP might have felt different re situation.

@Belling112 I have read your latest updates and you may be painted as a monster here but I think you have to sort yourself out first and foremost. It’s a matter of survival and creating a foundation for a functional life wit your DC. Drop the saviour complex and forget about sorting out DSC, your parents etc. As a matter of fact I would go as far as to say that you should consider moving out and leaving all DC with your husband. It may seem a drastic step but if you stay and change nothing you’ll be perpetuating the cycle and passing on the trauma/unhealthy relationship dynamic to your DC. Move out, get a job, sort out finances, get on anti depressants if you are not on them already, get therapy and be one a strong, independent adult with agency. See your kids on the weekends/evenings for now until you are in a financial position to go 50/50.

What your dad did to your mum was obvious abuse. Coercive control and other forms of domestic abuse can be really insidious and hardly noticeable to anyone who doesn’t know the full story. Part of Coercive control is gaslighting. You are second guessing yourself and your feelings and wondering if he is in fact being reasonable. Would you think it reasonable if one of your friends couldn’t meet you for coffee because they couldn’t leave the house ( for whatever reason)? Some things in isolation may not appear to be abusive, but when you look at the bigger picture, ask yourself, have you been isolated in your house for the most part? Are you prevented from seeing your friends and family? Are you prevented from spending money on reasonable items for yourself? Are you slowly losing your identity and independence?

Absolutely this OP. He's got no love or respect for you. He's abusive and you deserve so much better. Gather your 2 children and when he's at work tomorrow walk out of the door for the last time. Go to your friends house or your mum's. Claim child benefit and universal credit. You can seek help from womens aid. Get out before he completely destroys you.

OP, this is frightening. By refusing to pay for childcare your husband is trapping you at home. Caring for the children is your joint responsibility: right now, you're contributing though labour and he's contributing financially, but you have no autonomy to change that balance. The lack of autonomy would stress me out too. I'd be very worried that that wouldn't change. As you're an academic, a key thing is to keep up with your field: can you give some one-off lectures or take on some short term or casual teaching? Alternatively private tutoring can be quite good (could your mum come and look after the kids?). Ultimately in a marriage with kids you should both have an equal amount of say over shared assets, so you should know how much is coming in. If you were working full time and also needed childcare for the kids (including wraparound for the DSC) how much would be left over (plus or minus figures). It could be worth calculating your contribution in those financial terms, even for your own self esteem. You are contributing as much as your DH is, but unlike him you don't have control or autonomy. I'm so sorry, you deserve better.

And if you do ever divorce having separate finances will make no difference whatsoever. Everything is taken as “joint marital asset” and will be divided and distributed fairly (as the law defines it) .

If you’re not married it’s different - then you each have what you have and the only thing that would come into play would be child maintenance. Then separate finances make more sense.

That’s great that you do and have that lifestyle. I’m guessing your DC other parent would say they take equal caring responsibility for the children they chose to create?

The lack of shared finances is not good. Your DH needs to be open about what he earns etc and give you access to the accounts.

But it sounds like you might be quite unrealistic about the family finances. If there's no money, there's no money. You don't sound amazing at budgeting, i wonder if your DH is panicking at how tight the family budget is, as the breadwinner & giving you everything he can.

The paying for childcare thing is a bit of a red herring - of course the cost should be split but if you then also contribute to household bills it may be no different to now, and actually it could be that as a family you are worse off, is your DH trying to say that actually, you can't afford it?

Yes. Absolutely.
That is because I take equal financial responsibility. Not the other way around.