SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

OPs partner earns no more than £50,000 if he's claiming Child Ben there's not masses of money coming in, though this does not negate the control he is insisting on.
What really surprises me is that he controls all the food and kids clothes purchasing. When I was a child in the 70s men would give their SAHW "housekeeping" which would usually be for food, clothes, shoes etc so women had more autonomy. That is a red flag.

Dear op, would you be able to leave the kids with him on his day off to go to the library to work? Would he be ok with that?

Sounds like youve touched a nerve there op with “he didnt want to continue the conversation and when you suggested it was an abusive position he called BS”

i would suggest you get this paper done. When he gets home at night, get out of the house. Is there anywhere local you can work on it? Even a quietish pub could work. Make sure you submit that.

id book an appointment with the GP, you sound mentally broken from the situation. Also contact womens aid

is there anyway you can leave? Can you go and stay with your mum with the kids? Just for some space and time out?

your in my thoughts op and im rooting for you (as are the collective mumsnet group) to extract yourself out of this situation xx

Could you contact your local children's centre/ family hub? They will have an early help worker. They can signpost you for support from your DV/financial abuse. They can also help with your young DC attending weekly play sessions. Maybe you could do your academic work in one of their offices during the session? Good luck OP. You and your children deserve so much better x

This

Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you?

Why doesn't the OP qualify for the hours of free childcare?

It’s not BS that the receipt of child benefit keeps your stamp going while you are “economically inactive” raising children . You need to fill in a form to get it paid to you instead of him. He’ll be told and will have the right to contest your claim, but I would suggest that if he did, this would be evidence you could use to show (or see) that he is indeed abusive. This is quite a small thing that would certainly help you, now and later at pension age.

FWIW historically, it was automatically paid to the mother BECAUSE so many women were beholden to their husbands (pre mothers going out to work) , and it gave them money of their own to protect them and their children.

Ah @Belling112 I don't think I'm surprised to read that update. And of course you're struggling to get academic work done with no childcare. Talk to people in real life, get help. Fingers are crossed for you.

And yes, @Belling112 no decent man refuses to have an open conversation about finances, or blocks their spouse from their career. None. He's not supportive and he's not honest.

If the finances are like you say, 99 percent for the family, where is the evidence? And even so, he should be finding ways to help you get your work done.

Say youve read it affects your pension by reading the Government website…

If he makes under £60k and still gives OP £250 spending money, he is being very generous.

I have to agree to some respect with * *@Newname5565. I do think some women think that they can simply give up paid employment when they have babies, possibly forever? I have as much a financial duty of care towards my children as my husband does.

Exactly! Why isn’t the childcare/budgeting math done BEFORE having children?

I'm a working parent and my husband is a sahd. He has access to our joint account and any money he needs. That's pretty normal. 250 is very little per month.

OP can’t do the maths because her husband won’t share the numbers with her. Because he is financially abusing her. But I guess you knew that already.

It’s relative to what people earn!

Maybe she doesn't live in England

But the OP doesn’t want to give up paid in employment - she wants to be back in a job she’s worked to qualify for, and is good at. Her arsehole of a husband is refusing to consider childcare a family expense and forcing her to lose her job and her future prospects - getting back into an academic post once you’re out and not recently published is hard.

The most important thing to do right away is get child benefit in your name and paid direct to you.

I'm a SAHM and would consider myself an equal financial partner.

DP has a business and properties from before we met and even with decisions about these I am fully included. He immediately transfers the majority of his main salary into my account and I then send some back to the joint account for bills and spend the rest as required on the house/ kids/ myself. We are by no means wealthy so I do have to budget tightly but he has never attempted to restrict or control my spending.

We discuss any trips/ days out/ large purchases together. There is total transparency.

It's also very important you get the child benefit transfered to your name whilst not working as it gives you the NI contributions- this will benefit both of you in the future as will give you a better pension.

Entertaining 4 people generally costs more than £30 a week especially if the weather is bad. Does he genuinely think his kids are better off sat at home than out seeing the world?

And the point where he refuses to share the numbers or to share money in a sensible way, is the point where she decides it's probably not a good idea to have children with him.

A lot of heartbreak would have been saved if the budgetting conversation had happened pre children.

Yep, but that’s not where the OP is at right now. Perhaps OP hasn’t had many role models for equitable spousal relationships, given her parents’ history that she has shared. Perhaps the fact that she had always been finally independent lulled her into a false sense of security. Perhaps she just didn’t think her partner would be this bloody cruel.

You know who else could have saved a lot
of heartbreak though? The guy who is still avoiding the budgeting conversation.

@Testina Then she needs to leave him and get back to her career. Absolutely do-able and she will be so much better off for it (and not just financially).