SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

It’s very sensible to avoid becoming financially dependent on marriage and losing your earning capacity. Marriage used to offer protection but it doesn’t anymore. Courts rarely order husbands to pay spousal maintenance and even if they do it will be for a few years, not for life. Keeping economically active is the best thing someone can do to protect themselves. Nearly half of all marriages will break down and there’s countless threads on here from SAHMs who have found out the hard way that they are fucked. Work part time or flexi but keep working or you could find yourself in the OP’s horrible position.

I don’t understand how OP couldn’t afford more than bus fair to work and bus fair for her mum to mind the kids. Those numbers just don’t stack up.

Because why get married at all (unless you are a religious person). It is fundamentally a financial contract. Regardless of your separate bank accounts- what yours is his and what’s his is your, including any debt upon any separation.

As a woman in particular (with some exceptions for men being primary care givers) upon becoming pregnant you immediately put yourself in a financially poorer position. Not just for the period you are pregnant or when you are on maternity leave either. The time you have off compounds over time into a real financial reduction in wages. Never mind that even in supposedly equal relationships, 9/10 of the time the woman ends up with the majority of the mental load and therefore doesn’t out herself forward for new roles. All that happens is that the woman gets increasingly poorer as compared to her partner. Why on earth would I want a separate bank account? Do I can live on less money whilst he hasn’t had to make any sacrifices to have a baby? No, fuck that.

now let’s look at the SAHM position that the OP is in (or indeed my part time one or someone on maternity leave) Where are you suggesting the money comes from? That the women saves up beforehand? (Don’t be mental) I will also NOT be surviving on an allowance I have to ask a man for. I hope you are not suggesting that we can’t make a decision as a married partnership to be part time or a SAHP.

However, as I said I WILL NOT be putting myself in a position of ignorance to family finances.

The numbers not stacking up is not the issue @Izzymoon You’re spectacularly missing the point.

What you need to understand is the OP is being abused and gaslit. She has no access to any money except through her husband. Her father is abusive, her mother no help because she’s dealing with an abusive husband.

Thd issue is not that OP is a SAHM ffs. The issue is that she is married to a financially abusive man.

This man will continue to be financially abusive even if and when OP is working.

It's not about money. It's about attitude. HIS attitude.

She could get a job. Yes eventually. So what? She's still married to the same man who financially abused her.

Stop confusing being a SAHP with financial abuse.

You tell him you either have joint and equal access to family money or the marriage is over.

He can only work and earn this money as well as having a family because YOU are making the family happen.

If he doesn’t want to give you access to the money, you can consider the deal off, and remove the family.

@Izzymoon me direct debits are just shy of 130/mo. I'm left with 30/wk which doesn't cover my own, never mind my mum's train (not bus) travel. I work in another county, and my mum travels in from another county. But there are other expenses - my husband isn't home when I arrived back late from working, and I don't want to see my elderly mum take public transport alone in a city she's unfamiliar with, so I arrange a taxi to take her to the station. Just writing this response is reminiscent of me justifying these expenses/or my money running out to my husband. I keep an itemised list of everything single pound I spend and often send It to him to justify myself.

@Newname5565 reading your responses and I do momentarily fall into believing I'm in the wrong here for m
My unreasonable expectations. My DH isn't well off, his expenses are 99% for the family (rent, bills, petrol etc). It isn't like he's travelling alone, buying expensive things for himself often. He hardly spends time with friends outside their homes (to eat out etc). What he's giving me every month in the 250, he isn't spending on himself regularly. But then again neither am I?

I had a brief conversation with him earlier (brief because he did not want to continue) suggesting that his lack of transparency, and my lack of access to family finances could be considered abusive. He just told me it was BS.

Why the hell should she get some low-paid part-time job or even full time job just to live off 'her own money.' Wtf! Particularly as it will almost certainly be less than his because she gave birth, took maternity leave and became a SAHP - not only for their two children, but also for HIS son.

Why should she have to live off 'her own money' in this scenario. People who arefue this are the epitome of misogyny - right there.

His money IS her money.

He can't have his cake and eat it.

He can't let her take the financial hit of leaving her job to be full-time available for HIS children - but then refuse full financial transparency and for all his income available to be to her.

Seriously?

What planet are some people on?

Suggest to any abuser that they're an abuser, and they'll tell you it's bullshit.

That is pointless. You need to make a decision. I personally, wouldn't want to live with a man like this. He IS abusing you. You do not need him to ever realise that, as long as YOU DO, then that's enough.

But I guess if he thinks it's BS, he won't have any issue with you receiving the child benefit into your own bank account. Don't tell him you're changing it though, just change it.

I also, as a fully qualified accountant with 15 years experience could jump straight into a full time position should I need to.

But yes, my minimum would be full financial disclosure in a marriage. You are responsible for everything anyway should you split. Would you usually enter into a financial contract without seeing any of the numbers - no because that would be mental.

You really do need to leave this marriage. It’s sad for your step-DC but you need to get out. He’s an abusive prick and your kids shouldn’t have to witness this. Sorry if anyone has asked but is there any scope for you living with your mum until you’re back on your feet with work?

👏

It is fundamentally a financial contract.

It’s not really anymore. These are the days of prenups and clean breaks and people expecting both spouses to be self sufficient as soon as possible after divorce. There’s also moves to make it even stricter and exclude premarital wealth from consideration. It’s definitely not some cast iron guarantee although if your spouse is rich, you will most likely be okay and get enough to have a decent life. But if they’re a middling earner and you live in rented housing, it doesn’t give you much protection at all, although more than not being married does. Maybe a share of these mysterious savings but if you’re going to claim UC anyway, it might just stand in the way of you getting your benefits.

This post is great, yes! Thank you for trying to change the tone of the responses!
I have no experience in this kind of situation @Belling112 but a small step you could begin to do (I don't know if it's possible): could you "secretly" start some kind of side gig? Delivering parcels, writing online content, even selling things on Vinted... (I'm sorry if they are stupid examples) to get some personal savings? Also seek financial/legal advise: I'm sure there are DV charities who offer these services for free.
I just want to add: NONE of this is your fault for being a SAHM.
Good luck 🙏

I'm not in a good place mentally at the moment. I got offered a remote post doc position a year ago but struggled to keep up with the work load without childcare. I also got invited to apply for a lectureship position that was 75% remote but FT at the beginning of my marriage that I regret turning down to this day. I've also had an article accepted for publication which I was supposed to submit the final draft in June, and again I'm struggling to find the space (both mental and otherwise) to complete it. If I lose this chance to get it published I'll be utterly devastated.

It isn't just my marriage though. The ongoing issues with my parents I think are affecting me more. Since they separated a few of years ago, my life feels like it's imploded. I cannot function. And this coincided with moving in with my partner and getting married.

I can't believe I'm writing this but I'm in a very bad place. It isn't just the finances. I think I'm severely depressed, and I can barely function. I'm just trying to get through the day for the kids. I don't even know why I'm admitting to this here.

Thank you again for all your advice. Need a bit of time to process everything, and perhaps will try and arrange a catch up with a friend in the coming weeks too. Thank you.

Can you leave, with your children, and go and stay with one of your parents?

There will be absolutely nothing he can do about that.

I can’t see why you wouldn’t. You’d have more help, and be able to get away from this horrendous situation and start planning your future.

Contact a DV charity and see if they can get you a place in a hostel. Financial abuse is now recognised as a form of DA.
Go to the GP about your depression as well. You might feel better if you can get some treatment for that.
But you do need to escape this man because he is not good for you and you need to regain control of your own life, whether through working, going on benefits or a combination of both.

This is still him having control over you. This is not an equal partnership. It sounds like an arrangement for someone following a TBI or with fluctuating mental capacity so that they can manage their finances.

In your place I would be asking your parents is there any way you can stay with your two children with them.

His child is not a luxury you can look after.
Your own children are your priority.
I would be telling your parents you are desperate to get away.

Definitely pls call Womens aid and your GP.
I would be very concerned about you.
Please reach out for help.

@Belling112 Please phone your GP surgery in Monday morning and tell them you have 3 children, no support and you fear you are very depressed and struggling to get through the day.

Hopefully they will give you a priority appointment. The GP can prescribe you something like Sertraline that will help you get through this difficult period. The GP can also refer you for free counselling and no doubt other support.

Its like on a plane when they say put your own mask on before helping others. You have to start trying to help yourself now. Be kind to yourself. Just start the ball rolling on Monday. I hope it's ok to say but in your posts sound very disconnected and hollow.

And get that paper published! That will be fantastic.

Doesn't he also want to see you get your work published?

She has two children and is being held financial hostage by an abusive husband, unable to work, caring for his 3 children, one of which is not hers.

She needs to get real.
No child benefit being paid to her.

She could walk into any police station and ask for help.

Very handy for him that another woman stepped in to care for his first son - so that he can sail on in his job, totally unimpeded by childcare responsibilities. While giving you £2 per day.

As I said earlier, who made him god of finances? Who does he think he is?

A full-time nanny would cost him about £40-£50k per year. And she gets to go home at the end of a shift.

Has he looked into how much nurseries cost?

i don't know how you can even engage with him. He is ridiculous.

My DH isn't well off, his expenses are 99% for the family (rent, bills, petrol etc).

But you know this is bullshit.
Firstly because have no transparency - you don’t know what he earns for a start. So how can you know he isn’t well off?
Secondly because he’s hinted at £20-30K of savings - you don’t get that if 99% is going on the family
Thirdly because until recently he was spending £8K a year on school fees (which is suspiciously low btw) - so where is that money now?

I’m also suspicious that despite his son living with you and the ex being a high earner, he wouldn’t also have CMS. Yes, high earners can hide income, but a lot of people are PAYE and can’t. You guys are so tight for money but he hasn’t put in a CMS claim? Bullshit.

My DH isn't well off, his expenses are 99% for the family (rent, bills, petrol etc).

Bottom line, a man who wasn’t financially abusive would have said, “I’m sorry it’s tough on us financially - look, let me take you through the finances” - not shut you down, and not previously have berated your budgeting.

To be fair I doubt he’s rolling in it. He’s in rental accommodation which suggests he can’t afford to buy anything. Maybe he has a savings pot, maybe not but the point is his controlling oppressive behaviour and refusal to be transparent. I’d work on the basis that you won’t get a penny from him bar child maintenance and look at how you can make your own way.