SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

@OneFastDuck With respect, the arrangement you have described doesn't really sound particularly "equal" to me? So he earns it and you decide how to spend it kind of thing?

I had a brief conversation with him earlier (brief because he did not want to continue) suggesting that his lack of transparency, and my lack of access to family finances could be considered abusive. He just told me it was BS.

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

Don’t you think this should be discussed before planning kids? Would a man just ever leave his job and make himself vulnerable ? Why do we women do it all the time and just assume someone else will pick up the bill? We don’t live in that kind of world anymore.

I think it's you who is in another world Newname5565.

The 1950's.

Go back to work, make a plan and perhaps leave. Get your wages paid into your own separate account and take back some control.

Google the wages for your husband's work and do the sums. Either you are broke and he is stressed about money or he is incredibly controlling and financially abusive.

From what you have said it sounds like the latter, in which case run as he is making you less than you are and isolating you.

I noticed on a couple of threads about women being treated badly she seems to side with the men.

Ps. If your husband refuses to pay for childcare then he will have to look after them 50% of the week. You are not solely responsible for your kids being looked after.

Except it's not just pocket money for her. OP uses half of it (I.e £125) a month for food and things for her children (one of whom is a step child).
So that's £4.00 a day between four people. ONE pound a day each.

We've been arguing about this since yesterday. He really didn't take well to my suggestion of financial abuse. He's been saying a lot of horrid things to me and I'm struggling to cope. He said he would have never have married me if he knew what I was like re finances, that I had unreasonable expectations, that I was better off living alone as before and that I could never live with a man. I've packed a bag (in front of him) but he knows I have no where to go. I cannot believe this has become my life.

How is it unreasonable to expect him to help cover childcare for you to work
do you get child benefit paid for your children to cover your national insurance and pension as well

yiu need to work and work outside the house and sort childcare out that isn’t unreasonable at all

if you’re in the UK this means you aren’t getting you state pension contributions while being a SAHP - I’d get this changed to your name asap.

Yes you need tie child benefit for your national insurance and state pension contributions there is no way he should be having that because it is easier

He's not going to agree that he's financially abusing you. He wants you to STFU, be a good wife, not complain and get in with your responsibilities (being his maid, nanny, slave).

He wouldn't have married you. I'm sure you wouldn't have married him if you knew that your weren't going to be an equal partner.

He's not being financially transparent. If he only had £500 left over after bills and is spitting in equally and your both skint that's different but that's not what this is. You have no idea of the incoming and outgoings, savings etc and he's unilaterally decided that you should get a £250 allowance.

He's also fucking you over by taking the CB. He isn't the primary carer. You should be recieving it so you get your NI contribution.

I think you should take your kids and go to your mum's if that's possible. While, I'm sure you love his child. That child is his responsibility. You don't have PR for them and you should leave them with their actual parent.

Did you talk to woman's aid?

Honestly OP, I think you need to pick up that bag you packed, grab your babies and go to a hostel. Start your life again. The only way out of this problem is to go right through the middle of it, I’m afraid. Wait until he is at work and then go.

Rather than telling you that you could never live with a man, he could try actually behaving like a man.

Of course he's going to put it all onto you.

All he had to do was treat you as a human being OP. You are not asking much and you never were.

How much money he has or doesn't have has nothing to do with it. He just needed to be honest with you and treat you as equal. You are meant to be his partner in life - his wife, the mother of his three children! Rather than patronising your intelligence and grinding you down with an 'allowance.'

HE has made you come to this - doubting your self-worth, your sanity. How dare he!

This is no way for one human being to treat another.

Fair enough if he was open with you and just said, look there's no money, we need to do x,y,z...,

Just be normal - thats all you ask.

But he gives you pocket money - refuses to discuss money further and makes you feel like a second class citizen in your own home.

When the fact is, if you weren't looking after his THREE children, he wouldn't be able to earn anything at all, would he? Nothing!

He can only step out that door to work because he has you there - picking up all the slack for him.

That is the fact. That is the reality.

If you disappeared tomorrow, what would he do?

He won't pay for childcare - so what is the choice here? Leave the kids alone? Leave the kids to chance and just hope they survive?

You obviously can't go on living on £2 per day and doubting yourself for having the audacity to want to leave the house with the kids, or get a taxi for your elderly mum. Or buy birthday presents for your family FFS! Just no.

He will kick off and blame you. It's to be expected. He is a disgrace and has made you ill. That is the reality. I'm sorry you are going though this, but something had to happen. What was the alternative - carrying on with £2 per day until you barely know who you are anymore?

Can you go anywhere today?

No, we decide togerther with big things, tbh probably discuss/ mention anything over £50. He keeps some salary for socialising/ personal spends. I just do the vast majority of food/ home/ kids stuff buying. If he wanted more I'd just send it to him. We are luckily very similarly minded when it comes to spending which I appreciate is not always the case in a couple.

I've also personal savings which I've spent on family stuff or things for him. It's very equal.
Potentially because we are have a budget and both stick to it, it's easier. If there was a lot more money to spend we might actually disagree more- diamond watch or Prada handbag isn't an issue for us!

Unpack your bag and pack his bag. He needs to go and with all that access to money he can book a hotel.

It is as much your house as his. If he refuses to leave then live together apart and he either pays you a wage for 50% of the time you look after the kids in the working week or he looks after them. Just because you are educated and successful it doesn't mean you are immune to abuse. Stand your ground and know you are right.

Start emailing him so you document the financial abuse. In the emails request log ins and access to your marital assets. You have rights and protections.

Lawyer up and hunker down.

I'm really sorry to read this @Belling112 🙏 Everything you're doing right now is the "only thing you could have done": it's a very difficult situation you've had to navigate and therefore you have adapted to it as best you could. Now, it doesn't serve you or your children to continue like this, that's why you may feel depressed: you now see things for what they are. It's the grief you're experiencing. But it will pass 🙏 You've already done the first necessary step: you came here asking for help! You knew you couldn't go on like this. Keep at it. You're obviously an intelligent woman, with abilities: abusers will want you to believe you're powerless or weak. But you're obviously not: you can and will find a way out of this situation. Use your brains and your perseverance and your ability to see the bigger picture (all qualities you already have, because you wouldn't have a phd otherwise). You don't have to do it alone, though: seek help from women charities, legal and financial advise. Step by step, with your sharp mind, focused on your goal: getting rid of this man and setting up the good life you and your children deserve. I don't know you but I sincerely wish you the best 🙏🍀💐

Don't share anything else with him: you're now in clandestine mode. You have to put up an act and keep going underground. He doesn't have your interests at heart: you can't reason with him. Can you borrow money from a friend? If you say your mum was equally abused, how's your relationship with her? Could she help you? Is she trustworthy or resourceful? Could you trust her to help you escape the situation? I do think you could benefit greatly from a women's DV organisation: if your husband is not an imminent danger vs. if he is a potential threat...your plan should be built having all these factors in mind. Seek support, you're not alone 💛

Can you really not go and stay with any relatives with your two children?

There are a couple of trolls in here, blatantly obvious who they are: sociopaths is what comes to my mind whenever I encounter posters like them. OP is clearly struggling with an abusive relationship: this has NOTHING to do with fecking budgeting or being a SAHM or any other braindead suggestion copied from the filthy depths of the manosphere.. These are the times in which I question my firm opposition to including mysoginy as a hate crime... 🙄 (Sorry for the rant)

So when you get divorced and he gets his next 'slave', he will be badmouthing about you to her...

Could you at least take your two and go to your mum's tomorrow? Even if you have to sleep on the sofa or floor, at least you'll be free.

OP, how about asking for a refuge place?
It might speed up your help.
I feel so desperately sorry for you.

Bejing this is SO hard I know. Financial abuse is not just demonstrated in the ways your father did it. You are UNDOUBTEDLY being financially abused and frankly his responses to you raising this is UNDOUBTEDLY gaslighting and coercive control!!

Your choices:
*carry on as you are and suffer more and possibly worse of the above whilst your children watch as they grow older!
*move out ...to your mums? A friend? Womens refuge? Please please find a way to leave with your child (not his sadly but that is separate to your decision in this scenario). Get legal advice if that helps ..W Aid can help; ring them. Or talk to Citizens Advice as a first step or Domestic Abuse help line; Samaritans can advise on who to call too.

• go with flow whilst you sort out how to leave as per above. Dont share with him; dont comment when he gas lights. Just shut up and quietly prepare and then please please leave I truly wish I could give you a big hug and stand with you as you navigate this but I hope that even online support helps a bit 💐