Telling a 11 year old to be home at 7

[FreshStart2025]

Recently started secondary school, enjoying the new found freedom with friends. I think it’s reasonable to be home at 7pm for dinner, homework, shower and to chill before bed at 9pm.

She thinks this is totally unreasonable.

How does everyone manage children playing out on a school night?

yabu - Let her stay out later
yanbu - 7pm is late enough

@Summatoruvva thank you! People are talking about playing independently with friends as an 'anti social' behaviour. It's actually the opposite - it's children learning to be 'social' outside the rigid rulebound day of school or under parents eyes at home

Of course - where you live matters - plenty of kids live in places where it isn't safe - and thats a massive shame.

I think it also depends so much on where you live. I wish my 10 year old could roam freely but there are too many fast roads near us

I wouldn't let my 11 year old (when they get there) play out until 7pm but I wouldn't have them in front of the TV or computer all night either. They'll be at clubs like I was and then homework. Clubs were great for me growing up. I learnt new skills, made friends and was in a safe supervised environment. I've never had issues with independence due to having been deprived from more times roaming the streets with my friends growing up (which I still did get to do but honestly even then in the 90s when everyone seemed to be doing it, it wasn't all that safe and I was exposed to situations I'm not sure I'd want my kids being exposed to even in a safe area).

You can create this too though by not being a helicopter parent and allowing freedoms within supervision. My kids are both very confident and social. I would never let them play out unsupervised until teens however when we are at holiday camps or play places etc and I see other parents following their kids closely, I'm watching from a distant table. I am letting my kids even as toddlers go up and pay for a snack. Little bits of independence built up from young though I am there watching even if they don't know I am as I am not next to them.

7pm is fine. Why are people intent on keeping their children prisoners, children need to be more active. They are in no more danger than 30 odd years ago. Its good for them to be out and about with friends. I agree that parents should always know where they are and who they are with.

From the original post it sounded like the child didn't come home at all until 7.
Coming home, then popping in or out until.dinner is different. Or even after dinner if that's earlier

Depending on light and weather, mine did that in Yr6.

It also highlights a significant amount of privilege in Mumsnet users. "Playing out" is free. Attending sports/music:drama clubs etc are not. For attendance alone, the couple of activities my children are going to each week are costing me over £250 per month, in a northern city. This is before equipment, kit, travel, associated events. This is a privilege many cannot afford. Add this to single parents with multiple children trying to manage multiple clubs, or work commitments that do not allow for parents driving children to activities and clubs, and al of a sudden playing out becomes the absolute best option in terms of social skills and wellbeing. Don't presume that your way is the only way

This is very true.
The poster whose 14 year old (and apparently most of their peers) doesn't leave the house after 6pm because they have a busy, active and fully scheduled life between 7.30am and 6pm is a case in point. It's blindly obvious this is a poster whose DC go to private school, as this simply isn't an option available to most.

Meanwhile at my DC's state comp, whilst there are free clubs after school, they are limited, only run for an hour and the school shuts at 4.30pm to save costs.

Much more the norm to do a combination of "hanging out" in the park with some moving between friends' houses. I personally think it's a shame that so many teens have such scheduled lifestyles and no opportunity just to socialise freely.

Very similar here! My 11 year old is often out until 8:30pm, playing football with friends at the local park. They walk home together afterwards as they all have to be home at a similar time. Not "roaming the streets", as keeps being mentioned! It seems to be either playing football or popping to the local shop to spend pocket money.

He does have football training twice a week, but I can't imagine him or me wanting him to go to organised clubs most nights (even if I could afford that!)....

Unstructured / unsupervised time with friends has been massively beneficial to his confidence and general wellbeing and I have seen a very significant (positive) change in him since he started playing out with friends. School reports are always great. I'm delighted to see him playing out as much as he does (although he will have to be in earlier when it gets dark sooner).

It is exactly how I remember things being when growing up too!

Home for dinner is reasonable. Bedtime at 9 is a bit too early.

While it’s still light I think 8 is reasonable on a school night as long as piano practice done and no homework concerns

i was fine with 9 in the hols. Trickier when darker though I’d like to say 6 but I’d be ok with a short walk home from a friend’s house later than that, as long as homework and music practice done

Ours were straight home on school nights at that age (or in homework club so they could relax at home)

At 11, ours would be home by 8pm.
I hated it if he’d not eaten whilst out so Generally I’d say he’d have to have something to eat before going out so I knew he wasn’t starving. And he’d reheat whatever had been made for dinner when he got in.
ps, your rules so she has to suck it up! So if 7pm works for you then stick with it!

Think this will fix itself as it gets darker earlier in the evenings and it becomes cold / wet and the volume of homework goes up.

Maybe say 'home before it's dark' for now (or straight home after school if needing to travel home in the dark) and promise to reconsider next April when it may make more sense to come home first and go out after dinner on the light summer evenings.

That’s a tight two hour window. Homework can sometimes take an hour or more in itself. Do you have family time at all?

If mine said I was unreasonable, it would be 6pm! 😂

Do you live in a really bad area or something? I was taking myself off to London for the day at 14! I live 90 mins away..!

It's the first week of term. There is novelty value, still light evenings and not much homework.
I don't think OP is saying her DC will be out after school until 7pm every night in perpetuity.

When it gets darker and colder in the evenings, she may well want to come home earlier. Mine did.

Yes to this.

Exactly. She has clubs some nights so it’s not going to be every night. We have family time but equally important for her to spend time with friends her own age.

I also was travelling around London from a young age and I’m not that old now but things have changed you have only got to look at the news recently to see how bad things are.
Teens held at knife point for their phones or trainers. County lines is also a major problem in many areas which people don’t realise and think it’s not in their area, believe me it’s everywhere.

Due to my line of work I work with social workers and the information I go through with them of what’s going on is bloody scary!

Not “running wild” - sensible girls just hanging out / playing in the local park. We live in a small, safe town.

@FreshStart2025 good for you! I think you are in the minority.

Later than 7 is a bit much when homework etc kicks in ( apologies haven't read all of thread). But the odd late evening - why not.

If you know where she is, if you trust her, if she's getting up ok and getting everything done then I think it's great you're allowing her the freedom. If she's hanging out on street corners vaping then of course not great.

My greatest memories were out socialising innocently at the local park at this age.

I get frustrated with other parents projecting all of their anxieties onto others who allow freedom like this.

I do understand we have the problem of phones now and this adds extra problems regards who is showing them what. However, being stuck inside on the internet all evening is also problematic.

She doesn’t have any social media on her phone yet or access to internet searches. Just calls, text and what’s app.

I worry a lot about social media.