Telling a 11 year old to be home at 7

[FreshStart2025]

Recently started secondary school, enjoying the new found freedom with friends. I think it’s reasonable to be home at 7pm for dinner, homework, shower and to chill before bed at 9pm.

She thinks this is totally unreasonable.

How does everyone manage children playing out on a school night?

yabu - Let her stay out later
yanbu - 7pm is late enough

Also.
what after school activities and lessons have you scheduled! Maybe she needs some?

Ment to say 9pm bed is normal (not 7pm 😂)
And yes I know what the thread is about 😊

I think she has enough after school activities, she has 2 clubs a week which I think it is a good balance. I believe it is important to have unstructured time with friends and family also.

I’ve spoken with her and we’ve agreed a 7pm to 8pm slot every night for homework during the week and more at weekend if need be. Some people might think this is late but I’ve always done this with my older son and it works for us. They like to have unwinding time straight from school until dinner.

She seems to be happy. I think it was just because she felt like I had changed the goal posts, as she was allowed to stay out until 7.30pm in the summer holidays. Obviously back to school is different. We’ve had a chat and she understands where I am coming from.

Also agreed she needs to have dinner much earlier and then go back out afterwards.

All will change soon with the clocks anyway and then will just be at friend’s houses / friends at home with us.

I’m a single parent with 4 children so it’s hard when it’s all on me. She does see her Dad every week but it’s more “parallel parenting” rather than co-parenting.

Been interesting reading everyone’s views - very chalk and cheese!

And what do they do after dinner? Sit on their phone all evening because it's now dark and they can't go outside?

When mine started secondary 8pm latest was fine on light nights, 7-7.30 on darker nights. As they get older, as long as they let me know what's happening, I gauge times to be home dependant on the time of year.

They're not sitting drinking or terrorising people, they're either at the sports complex, playing football on the field or heading to the nearby mcdonalds for a milkshake. On holidays and at weekends, they take buses into the city centre to the arcade, bowling, cinema or down to the seafront. At 13 I got a call one afternoon from son who asked if it was OK if he went to Nandos with his friends for lunch.

When I was 12, me and my friends were talking buses and trains to neighbouring cities to go shopping. I do think it contributed to me being very independent when I was a young adult.

Why so strict?

Sounds really reasonable and appropriate to me including the push back from the 11yr old! :)

It seems to me that her education doesn't matter to you. When is she doing her homework?

Did you need read what I wrote? 1 hour every night and more at weekends.

That seems plenty to me.

Engage in family activity, practice instruments, read for pleasure, go to an activity club,

@sunsetsandboardwalks I didn’t think it was that strict to be honest. Her school isn’t far and we live close to the shops. What else would she be doing for hours after school?

But it is still concerning. It looks like she is growing up towards some sort of socialite, social courier where she is at home just to do homework and sleep. Do you have time to talk to her, develop relationship? Has she got time to watch movie, read book, play a game or just wind down?

I understand socialising after school twice a week but every single day?

Who said every day? I certainty didn’t. Like I said, she has clubs two days and some nights, she doesn’t go out at all. Therefore, just hanging out with her family after school. Same at weekends.

The point of the thread was if she is out, what time to come home. Not that she is going to be out every single night.

Ok. Sorry. I misunderstood then.

I allow sometimes late but it is Sat or Fri and I pick him up then. I have tracking app and see where he is. But this is maybe...once a month

We live in a small town so she is quite capable of walking home in summer when it is light. Obviously different if it’s dark.

I guess I'm just comparing it to when I had 2-3 hours free after school at 15 to do whatever I fancied. I'd see friends, go to their houses (or they'd come to mind), go to Starbucks, go for a wander round the shops, go to McDonald's, even go to the movies etc.

I can't imagine only allowing a 15 year old out for an hour.

Me either

Or, in London, it might be no riskier than anywhere else in the UK.

In London my kids had free bus travel so could always get home on excellent public transport.

Our local parks are busy with lots of families, dog walkers etc.

Our shops and cafes are open and busy.

We have places you can go to play sport or meet friends.

Struggling to see why it's riskier here than anywhere else.

She’s never even asked to go to the cinema or anything after school. I just don’t think it’s the “done” thing amongst her circle (nor mine, as I didn’t even realise it would have been seen as limited until this thread!) She’s never questioned it to be honest. On weekends she does all that sort of stuff and generally has to be home some time between 7-8.30, depending on what she’s doing, where she’s travelling to/from, who she’s with, etc.

When I was her age I had unlimited freedom as my mum worked long shifts and would never have know whether or not I was home. I was generally sensible but my friends and I did use our free Oyster cards to travel to the other side of London after school a few times, which I would not be happy with DD doing now.

It really isn’t surprising that the U.K. has the unhappiest DC and teens in the U.K. when you read this thread.

DC need time and space to develop and grow away from mollycoddling parents. Of course there is inherent risk in that but there is also harm from sitting indoors alone.

My older DC are in their mid twenties now and it’s very sad to see how overprotective so many parents are compared to when they grew up (which wasn’t exactly the olden days). At 11 they were certainly walking to school and visiting parks etc with friends after school and no harm came of it. This was also before smartphones and tracking devices were around.

There must be very little homework in this country if kids have time for 2-3 hours every day going somewhere.

I am sure these children will be getting their homework done too. Street smarts and social skills are just as important as academic ability. If my 15 year kid had never asked to go to the cinema, walk 2 miles for a McFlurry or just sit on a wall having a laugh, I’d be worried.

I think it is a huge gap between "never" and " daily"

Must there?

Oh good. Because a huge amount of homework is utterly pointless.

8.30 for a 14 year old?!

Why not? My 15 year old is in bed, lights out by 9. Teenagers need sleep. Any later than 9 and she'd be falling asleep in class.

I'm amazed at how few people understand sleep is important for children.

For me 7pm for an 11 year old is unbelievable and far too late

Depends when they are going to bed. 7pm was our cut off time, in bed by 7.30.

Not allowing a kid of 14 out in the evenings is one of the most stupid things I have read on here.

When I was 14 there was nowhere we could go, we lived in the arse end of nowhere. When we were a bit younger and lived in the village, we weren't allowed out on a school night. I can't see anything wrong with that.