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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this comment about women with no female friends is problematic?

316 replies

Newlifeincoming · 04/09/2024 15:47

I saw a comment recently that said “women who don’t have any friends that are women are red flags. I don’t care what anyone says.”

I find this a bit troubling and potentially judgemental.

AIBU for thinking that this perspective is unfair and doesn’t account for individual circumstances or preferences? What do you think about this kind of statement?

OP posts:
IlooklikeNigella · 04/09/2024 15:49

I mostly agree with the statement so yabu.

Newpillow · 04/09/2024 15:50

Is it just one person's opinion?

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 04/09/2024 15:51

Its not nice to tar everyone with the same brush.

However I imagine this comment is more directed to the type of women who say "I just get on better with men." "Women are too bitchy" etc. Which personally I do feel is a massive red flag as they clearly have some internalised misogyny.

I wouldn't think the same thing about someone who had no female friends due to moving a long distance and simply not having been able to make friends yet.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/09/2024 15:51

Are you married to a man whose name begins with H?

GermanBite · 04/09/2024 15:52

What kind of circumstances or preferences do you have in mind op?

I think it is a red flag when women say they only have male friends because women don't like them or because they just prefer men.

Livelaughlurgy · 04/09/2024 15:53

I suppose how do you know a woman has no women friends? A woman who tells you she has now women friends is probably a red flag.

Mrsttcno1 · 04/09/2024 15:54

I have to say I agree with it and it’s always proven true in my experience

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2024 15:55

Do they have male friends or no friends?

I agree with @TheNameIsDickDarlington that women who say those sorts of things tend to have an issue that means there’s a reason they struggle to get on with other women.

LoobyDoop2 · 04/09/2024 15:55

Depends on the reason for it, doesn’t it.

Josette77 · 04/09/2024 15:56

I kinda agree.

If a woman tells me she has no female friends I wonder why...

MidwichCuckoo · 04/09/2024 15:57

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 04/09/2024 15:51

Its not nice to tar everyone with the same brush.

However I imagine this comment is more directed to the type of women who say "I just get on better with men." "Women are too bitchy" etc. Which personally I do feel is a massive red flag as they clearly have some internalised misogyny.

I wouldn't think the same thing about someone who had no female friends due to moving a long distance and simply not having been able to make friends yet.

I agree

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/09/2024 15:58

I think it depends on the woman. If she has few friends male or female, she might just not have the best social skills, but be a decent person. If she has stereotypically masculine interests and all her friends are from fishing and metal detecting (so male) I would probably think she just doesn't meet a lot of like minded women.

nomud · 04/09/2024 15:58

As an autistic female, I have found it very difficult to make female friends of my own age. I think I just don’t get some kind of social cues that are expected of me but which I am clueless to. Women whom are older than I am are more accepting of me but this isn’t something I found out until I was older myself. Men have always accepted me but it’s hard to 100% feel like it’s for me or because given the chance, they would have liked to be more than friends.

If it’s what PP poster said about judgments about all women, then yes I would guess internalised misogyny as well. It’s sadly not that uncommon.

Alwayssuspicious · 04/09/2024 15:58

Any statement that begins " all" or "everyone" or who assumes "a one size fits all" view point is ridiculous. We are all individuals.
In this case the statement is even more ridiculous because there is no context.

Newlifeincoming · 04/09/2024 15:59

Oh sorry if I wasn’t clear. Yes I definitely agree about pick-me women and women who say they don’t like women etc or those kind of comments or get on with men better. I guess I found it a blanket statement. I’ve always had close female friends, but there were times I felt out with my girlfriends and didn’t have friends for a bit, or cut bad friends out of my life so didn’t have any female friends for a bit, and made new friends. So unless it’s clear as to what we all seem to agree here about women who boast about not having female friends for example, or that they don’t like women etc, I don’t think it’s a red flag. I also didn’t announce I didn’t have any female friends ha and deffo wanted to make new girlfriends when friendship groups dispersed for example.

OP posts:
AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 04/09/2024 15:59

I would say that in the vast majority of cases it is a huge red flag and I would expect some internalised misogyny to make its appearance rather quickly.

SauviGone · 04/09/2024 16:00

From my own experiences I agree with the statement 100 percent.

Ablondiebutagoody · 04/09/2024 16:00

I have an ex school friend like that. Massive flirt with other friend's partners/brothers etc. especially when drinking. Fucked one of the groups boyfriends. Generally a massive pain in the ass and has mostly been ditched by everyone. Blokes love her though. Go figure.

TheOnlyCherryOnMyTree · 04/09/2024 16:01

I struggle a bit with female friends. I have a few I've had for a long time but on the whole I'm quite guarded around women, it's involuntary really. I was badly abused by my mum for 17 years until I left home, I know not all women are like this etc and I wish I wasn't as guarded as I am. I think if I was abused by a man for 17 years though and said I was guarded around men everyone would understand.

Tandora · 04/09/2024 16:01

“Red flag” in what sense?

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 04/09/2024 16:03

AIBU for thinking that this perspective is unfair and doesn’t account for individual circumstances or preferences?

Anyone with a preference for no female friends is a red flag to me.

Circumstances may be different. If you just happen to have fallen out with all your female friends that would also be a red flag. If you're in an abusive relationship and your abuser forbids you from making friends, obviously not a red flag for the victim.

nomud · 04/09/2024 16:04

TheOnlyCherryOnMyTree · 04/09/2024 16:01

I struggle a bit with female friends. I have a few I've had for a long time but on the whole I'm quite guarded around women, it's involuntary really. I was badly abused by my mum for 17 years until I left home, I know not all women are like this etc and I wish I wasn't as guarded as I am. I think if I was abused by a man for 17 years though and said I was guarded around men everyone would understand.

I would hope that most people would understand, and I’m sorry you went through that.

xboxforlife · 04/09/2024 16:05

Being a pick me girl is a young girls game. We all have that phase don't we?

WingSluts · 04/09/2024 16:05

I think a more nuanced statement would be women who don't want female friends. I have only two female friends (but I'd say they were quality not quantity) and more male friends in terms of number but not closeness. I'd love more female friends but it just hasn't happened. I'd hate to think people judge me if they see me at the pub with four guys. They don't know that my WhatsApp is constantly buzzing with conversations with my girlfriends but due to distance they're not in person meet ups so much.

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/09/2024 16:09

I basically agree with you. I do find it rather tiresome when women make a big deal about preferring male company and being “one of the lads” and I am slightly suspicious of women who always gravitate towards blokes. I strongly dislike it when women talk about “too much drama” from female friendships.

But I think there are women who genuinely gel better with men than with women for a variety of reasons and it doesn’t automatically make them sex traitors.

They may have more traditionally male interests (football, cars and motorbikes, fishing) and not have like minded women friends to share hobbies with. I think also female friendship groups can seem quite intimidating and exclusive to certain types of people.

I guess if hanging out with men suits people better let them crack on but I don’t particularly want to listen to them banging on about how they are “one of the lads”.

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