To think this comment about women with no female friends is problematic?

[Newlifeincoming]

I saw a comment recently that said “women who don’t have any friends that are women are red flags. I don’t care what anyone says.”

I find this a bit troubling and potentially judgemental.

AIBU for thinking that this perspective is unfair and doesn’t account for individual circumstances or preferences? What do you think about this kind of statement?

That's pretty sexist...there are plenty of women doing "masculine" things. Not all women are meeting up to apply make up and go clothes shopping

Quite honestly this board is a really good example of all of those negative traits. The number of posters (who are predominantly female) who rush to post their narrow-minded judgements about other women (predominantly) every time there is one of those 'unpopular opinions' cesspit threads. A recent one was about what is and isn't 'posh' and it's never lighthearted, it's usually rancid before being deleted.

I don't crave company of women, even my friends (I have two that I would do most things for and that's enough), I wouldn't ever socialise in a group of women (or men/women). Men certainly have their idiosyncrasies but I don't find spite to be one of them. I have one good male friend.

We're all different. I don't care how many women would 'red flag' me (when did that ever become a verb?) or would look askance at me. When you just don't care what other people think of you it can be empowering.

it was early stages of friendship, like getting to know each other at the beginning stages.

so no, they didn’t have me. It wasn’t an established friendship

I don't think anyone is suggesting that though. I certainly have no such opinion.

I think that when women only have male friends because they think "men are easier/less bitchy/less drama" etc it's based on misogynistic ideas about women as the very idea that you couldn't be friends with an entire sex is a red flag that the person sees all women as the same. (Except them of course)

This is so trye and I think school kids would so often benefit from hearing it. You won't always find your tribe at school/ in your home town and that's fine.

I’m also autistic and find I naturally make friends more easily with men. A lot of the sharing and emotional intimacy with women is challenging for me. But I do have women friends, some very close ones. I’m happily married and don’t fancy any of my male friends, nor do I have any reason to believe they are attracted to me but I do just find it easier to make friends with men. I don’t go around announcing that, but if that makes me a ‘red flag’ I don’t really care.

It's okay if you don't have friends, but it doesn't seem okay if a woman has only male friends or if a man has only female friends. If I came across someone like that, I'd unfortunately assume she might have some flaw in her character because the probability is she wouldn't be my friend either, and I wonder why.

I don't really have friends due to social anxiety and working unsociable hrs in a male dominated industry.
I'm awaiting an assessment for ADHD autism and agree I find male relationships easier.
They say what they mean and mostly get over things quicker so as far as colleagues go I would find men easier than women.
I know some men who gossip yet for the most part don't judge like the women I know.

I have more male friends than female. I work in a male dominated industry and I have a male dominated hobby.

I do have female friends though and some very close ones. But a lot of women I don’t have much in common with as I’m not girly in any respect. I have more in common with guys I suppose which is why I probably have more male friends as I meet more males.

My best friend is also male.

Surely it depends on how many friends they have. I mean, if you have 200 friends and they are all men, that's a bit off. But if you only have three friends and they are men, then that's not as strange. It likely just means you've only connected with those three people and they just happen to be men.

It’s a bit of a personal red flag for me - I am a woman’s woman / girls girl - always have been. Am not hugely stereotypically ‘girly’ and I’m married to a great man. I have zero issues with men - I just generally prefer the camaraderie / humour / safety / emotional relationality of women. I love my female friends.

If I meet women who announce they don’t have female friends because of a problem with women then I’m on my guard.

obviously if someone doesn’t have female friends here YET because they’ve recently arrived int he country / escaped from a difficult relationship its very different.

if someone goes through friends / ditches people quickly and doesn’t have long standing friends despite a stable living situation - then I think it’s worth being a bit wary regardless of their sex or gender

Quite honestly this board is a really good example of all of those negative traits.

That's very brave of you to say because you're on MN so must be all those things.

Whereas I've been bullied by men and find them to be just as spiteful and backbiting as women are purported to be. It seems as though generalising falls apart under scrutiny.

When you just don't care what other people think of you it can be empowering.

I agree.

Agreed, as a woman who had a very late adhd diagnosis, I typically struggle to make and maintain friendships with women, couldn’t understand why, felt judged a lot and was subject to a lot of bullshit like this.

Post diagnosis, I’ve found a group of equally ND women who are among my greatest allies.

I firmly think these judgements are rooted in barely disguised misogyny.

Yes, absolutely. I have severe ADHD and I find myself intimidated by female friendships because I really want them and I overanalyse them and I’m bad at them. It’s not that I am competitive with women or a ‘pick me’ or whatever other shit people are talking about, I would love a really close female friendship but that desire makes me hold back as I’m frightened of coming on too strong so I never get much closer than acquaintances. It makes me so sad.

Men’s friendships are easier because I don’t care as much. Although now I’m married I don’t bother with them any more either really.

I’m not a red flag, I’m just messed up. Maybe that’s a red flag though.

Reading these responses really upsets me.

It's not very nice,but I have often found that there is a reason why some people don't have friends

Red flags are personal things-it would certainly be a red flag for me!

I think it depends on the circumstances. There are some women who have traditionally male hobbies or work in male industries who have more male friends due to their circumstances. Women who reports ongoing difficulties with other women usually have underlying issues or trauma particularly difficult relationship with mother or female figures in the family.

I'm still thinking about this...

Once I was in a school with a mixed staffroom, I generally found it easier to talk to the men.

I'm no beauty: face like a melted welly would describe it, though my husband thought I was "bonny". I just found it easier to speak to men, partly because they didn't spend most of their time talking about their children or grandchildren*. (Though there was some discussion of family, of course.)

My husband always said that I was his best friend. He was certainly mine.

*Yes, that's a sweeping generalisation, I know.

My sister is in her 70's and has never had one female or male friend since she was 22. I don't know about her teenage years because I am a lot younger than she is and would not have been aware of any friends. She is a miserable cow.

I'm sorry. I know just how you feel. The reference to overanalysing makes perfect sense to me.

I was badly bullied by other girls at secondary school. I guess I kept putting my foot in it. I recall that after I was beaten up one time (after I stepped in to protect another girl), the other girls kept their distance because they didn't want to be ostracised or physically hurt. The pupils who were kind to me were some of the boys.

I'm widowed and in my 60s now, so trying not to give a shit about what other people think.

I certainly am not looking for another man, that's for certain.

I've always gone with the person, not the gender. I had a period of having more male friends because I worked in a more male environment, but one of my closest friends is a male I met in a less male dominated arena and it was, very simply, because we shared a particular interest nobody else, male or female, in the office did. He has a partner, I have a husband and when we lived close we met up as a four.
What used to piss me off was the assumption (and this WAS always women, I am sorry, but it was) that something was going on. One woman chose to tell my husband that she 'didn't want to cause trouble' but she regularly saw me walking down the road with another man. Husband just said, 'oh, that's x, she works with him, they go the same way home.'
I'd get comments from other women along the lines of, 'does your husband knows about x?'. Well, yes, because he is a friend. I don't hide who my friends are from my husband. Talk about suspicious minds.

I’m sorry for you too. I was treated very badly when I was younger by friends and stayed in those friendships because I thought that’s how I should be treated. My husband made me see that I’m worth more. Now still worry about things people have said in groups messages or such and how I should behave, it’s really stressful. It’s not that I don’t want the friendships, it’s just the navigating of them is really hard. I’d love some amazing group of close women, a la Sex and the city or whatever, but I think for some of us it will never be.

It’s so hard to hear that people actually view those of us who have struggled with this as being potentially people to avoid though - it means the cycle continues. I hope you find your friendships. Xx

Hmm, I guess I agree, although a woman that mainly had female friends wouldn't seem as bad, especially if it was down to having 'male' hobbies. We shouldn't have to adhere to female stereotypes.

However, it's also a big red flag when women use terminology like handmaiden/pick me/etc. They're almost always sexist, which is ironic as that's what they claim to be against.

I do recall my late husband once asking me whether I fancied "John" from work.

I was in my late 50s and worn out from working and caring. John was in his 20s. DH was only suspicious because he'd had a stroke...

DH and I were both invited to John's wedding.

Omg this made me howl. It was the last sentence 🤣. I wasn’t expecting it 🤣🤣