To think this comment about women with no female friends is problematic?

[Newlifeincoming]

I saw a comment recently that said “women who don’t have any friends that are women are red flags. I don’t care what anyone says.”

I find this a bit troubling and potentially judgemental.

AIBU for thinking that this perspective is unfair and doesn’t account for individual circumstances or preferences? What do you think about this kind of statement?

Nah I don’t agree about the pick-me. Pick-mes exist. I do agree that such terminology can be abused for sure, and some women sometimes think it’s okay to throw the term around because you disagree with them on certain things and seem to be in favour of or agree with men or certain points or perspectives… I don’t agree with that.

but pick-mes exist. Not everything is sexism.

I don't think I've ever met anyone who has said this. My own friends have me, so they have a female friend. I can imagine if you worked in a mainly male environment having male friends. I used to hang out with an male group of friends in my twenties and it did open my eyes to a lot of less desirable behaviour than you would suspect from supposedly nice men. Had lots of female friends since.

@Galadriell "However, it's also a big red flag when women use terminology like handmaiden/pick me/etc. They're almost always sexist, which is ironic as that's what they claim to be against."

I can see why you say that-but there really is a need for a way to describe the sort of women who are described as "handmaidens". It's a form of internalised misogyny that,sadly, does put a brake on feminist progress.

I don't have many female friends. Just 1 if you don't count sisters. It's because I spent my formative years being relentlessly bullied, gaslit and catfished by girls/women. So I don't trust them.

It's a pattern of behaviour. Not even just towards me, others too. Look at poor Aubreigh Wyatt. Bullied to the point of suicide by girls who were supposedly her friends.

You see it here too. Massive nasty pile ons over nothing! Men have mostly treated me better and tend to be more straightforward.

I think no female friends can be a red flag, but it depends on the situation. Like many on this thread I have ASD and have struggled socially all my life. I have a handful of close female friends (and have lost several what I considered good female friendships as well, I think largely due to me not understanding those pesky social rules!). I don't have any male friends at all, through situation not through active choice. But, say, if I have to go to a social gathering where I don't know many people, I feel easier talking to men than to women, not sure why. Not through conscious decision on my part, but it's been my experience - I think I'm less concerned I may 'mess it up'.

Where I do find it a red flag is where the woman proudly proclaims she gets on much better with men, women are too bitchy, girly, only interested in make-up and prosecco, etc. Again (and I'm probably being a total bitch here), they been young and attractive, and I often wonder what happens as they get older...

I don't have any friends so not sure what that makes me.

It doesn’t make you anything other than yourself. This thread is extremely unpleasant to read for some of us.

I have a colleague who is a lesbian, gets on well with everyone at work but only has male friends. Do those who see it as a red flag think she's a red flag or is it just straight women?

From my perspective, it's a red flag when a woman says she only gets on with men because women are [insert stereotypes here].

I presume most lesbians gets on with women.

Hmm, I'm genuinely conflicted about whether I agree.

It's arguably useful to have a phrase to describe women that trample on other women for their own benefit, but 99% of the time I see it used as a slur to try and shutdown women that call out toxic attitudes towards men, which is sadly common amongst a lot of 'feminists'.

I put that in apostrophes because I'm convinced some women aren't so much motivated by a desire to help other women as they are by a desire to hate on men, much like racists love moaning about immigrants (they don't really care about the people whose jobs they claim these people are stealing or about all the money spent on hotels etc).

I think that there is a big difference between someone having no friends at all and someone not having women friends. There are some people who don't want friends, but I do think for most of us that's not a good or a happy place to be. Making any sort of judgement based on that is horrible. However, I would want to know more about a woman who had no women friends and especially if they were very open about it.

Isn't this putting ridiculous pressure on people? We all have different backgrounds. I have no female friends because of emigration and death/drug abuse (on their part). I worked in predominantly female environments and was a carer in my family. Whenever I thought I was friends with a man, as soon as we were tipsy together they'd come on to me, so I became wary of male friendship. Because I'm second generation immigrant, school holidays were visiting family, I didn't build up childhood friendships. Racism played a part and lack of connections.
My sister is finding her friends thin on the ground at 68. Some have moved away, some have died, some have too many health issues to socialise and some still fear Covid.
How do you make friends when you are viewed as a walking red flag and as posters on here show, they don't want randoms at meet ups.

@Galadriell "99% of the time I see it used as a slur to try and shutdown women that call out toxic attitudes towards men, which is sadly common amongst a lot of 'feminists'."

That's interesting. For me it means women who collude with men behaving badly, excusing them and minimising their behaviour. I think it's pretty unusual for feminists to have toxic attitudes to men.

it's....high schoolish and cliquey to have more than one friend?

It's just a term, to describe a group of more than two people who are friends. How on EARTH can anyone take exception to that? What collective noun would you use that isn't apparently childish?

I'm tired reading about who has a problem with what which & blah blah blah.

I think I now take issue with people who make broad statements about having a problem with entire groups of people who they know fuck all about.

There was a period in my early - mid twenties when I had one or two female friends but lots of male friends. I had very stereotypically male hobbies which hardly any women I knew were into, I liked drinking pints and being a bit lairy and I just didn't "click" with many women. Not for want of trying. It changed as I got older and I hardly have any male friends now, but it took me a long time to find my female tribe.

No I don't see it as a red flag, more a personality type. I would however be concerned if someone said 'I don't like women' or 'I don't like men'. This type of blanket statement from a man or a woman makes me think they are narrow minded and prejudiced and make me immediately lose respect.

I have never heard the term handmaiden or pick me, no idea what they mean!

Yes I definitely agree about pick-me women and women who say they don’t like women etc or those kind of comments or get on with men better.

Respectfully, OP, any woman who calls another woman a 'pick me' most certainly isn't a woman's woman. That for me is it's own red flag.

I have close friends both men and women. I've personally always found men easier to get on with.

Yes, this I would agree with.

Basically, it's a derogatory term for women that feminists claim pander to men. It seems in many cases it's used to shut down women that call out negative attitudes/statements about men (bit like when people accuse women of being 'a Karen' when they complain about something, even if it's a legitimate complaint).

Interestingly, most studies show that women would much rather work for a man than another woman. Also, that women are less likely to want to help another woman the more senior she is to them at work. Women also collaborate better with men than other women and a man/woman or man/man partnership is generally more productive than a woman/woman partnership.

Will try and dig out the thread on this. It's a couple years old but very interesting. It also turned into an almighty bunfight when some posters claimed they'd encountered a lot of bitchiness at work, especially in the legal sector, and some of the feminist regulars went totally 😡 about it.

I used to have female friends in secondary school and highschool, then a mixed group (but majority of women) in university. I then moved to the UK and I find it incredibly difficult to maintain friendships. I have a handful of females that I technically consider friends but in reality only one would make an effort the same as me, the rest of them I see only if I initiate plans...😔, and none of them are close enough that I can confide in or would trust to help me if God forbid I get into any kind of emotional, health or financial need.

I enjoy the company of both men and women yet I won't deny some women I've known are petty and bitchy in ways men are not. Men manage to be arseholes in different ways.

This is an excellent summarisation of how I feel too.

Well done.