To want to tell brother we didn't like his girlfriend

[wishuponascar]

My brother has recently introduced his girlfriend to us (his siblings). We come from a culture where introduction to family = marriage. I'd like to very quickly explain the culture as it is very different to dating in English culture. Essentially boy and girl meet and date without mentioning anything to their parents until they are ready to get married. Telling parents is pretty much the same seriousness as getting engaged to be married.

I understood that his girlfriend was feeling very nervous about meeting his siblings so I wanted to do my best to make her feel relaxed and welcome to the family. I (and my sister) met her for dinner with my brother and we were both taken aback by how rude she was. I feel a bit sad as before the dinner I wanted to just make sure she felt welcome and relaxed, and have been speaking to my parents to make sure they don't say anything to make my brother or her feel uncomfortable and make the process to getting married as easy as possible for them. But it really feels like the person my brother described versus the girl we met are worlds apart.

ANYWAY, before the dinner was organised and over the last few months my brother seems to have been a bit stressed eg. His girlfriend was pushing for him to tell his mum and she wanted to tell hers, but he would say he wasn't ready to. Eventually she told her mum and made him tell his and I suppose things really escalated (ie. Meeting siblings) quite quickly from there. For context they are both 25 and have been dating for 8 months. Usually marriage happens within a year of telling parents.

I really do feel like he's being pushed along on this as after he told me parents he asked me why there is now so much wedding chat (my parents are looking into how much they can spend and the girlfriend is suggesting different dates for them to get married). He has also been doing the very wrong thing of keeping his options open. Where my parents hadn't known about her up until recently, they would try and introduce him to single girls and he would be open to seeing their photos etc. This is another thing that makes me feel like he just isn't that committed to this girl. (Me and my sister did also tell him that it wasn't ok for him to be considering other people whilst his girlfriend was feeling like they were exclusive).

It is usually at this stage also that these types of relationships either work or don't as meeting families can be a deciding factor for the couple. Eg. the couple may feel like they don't fit in with either's family etc.

My sister and I are feeling a bit sad about what she is like, do we tell him? Or should it be something we never mention? Especially given I feel like his heart isn't that in it to begin with? Ultimately, if he does go through and get married, it's something we really don't want him to know as we want to keep the relationship as nice and peaceful as possible. However, she really is not anything like he's described to us and I just have a bad feeling about it all and in my heart if he is confused about it and being pushed into it, if he knows how she came across to us, perhaps he might end it?

In these circumstances, I would take him to one side and ask him if he's feeling ready for marriage with this girl.
If he isn't, he needs to find the courage to put the brakes on to this, tell her, tell your parents, and make a clean break.

And if he isn't willing to do that, he needs to use condoms. Every time.

Oh that's so tricky.

If you tell him bluntly that you didn't like her, there's a risk that he'll just fall out with you and marry her anyway.

But I'd definitely be opening conversations to give him a chance to talk about the relationship. "I'm getting the impression that your heart's not quite in this..."

I think rather than going in and saying you don’t like her, I’d ask him how he is feeling about it all. Depending on his response I might observe something like ‘you don’t seem sure/excited…’

Basically, give him a chance to express his own reservations if he has any. Test the water before saying anything that could cause problems along the line.

Using culture is not an excuse he is grown up and so is the girl friend they are feel to do what they want and make their own decisions

This all sounds very controlling

This

I would ask him if he actually wants to get married. Happily I love my SIL, she’s a star but there is no way in hell I would have told my brother I didn’t like his girlfriend, it’s one way to create an us vs them mentality. Also your family need to relax a bit, people have much longer periods of dating before assuming anything about marriage. SIL was popping over to my parents for years before they got engaged, we knew they would most likely end up together long term anyway but theres no rush. It’s better to relax about it than to be rushing someone towards an expensive mistake.

Are you sure she’s rude as well? Not just a different way of being? I’m quite blunt and I’m nothing like the women in DH’s family and we are happy but I am 100% sure that they wouldn’t have chosen me if it were up to them.

Hea a grown man and unless there's a big drip feed coming, he's capable of making his own decisions.

He’s an adult, with agency .. old enough to make his own decisions.

The whole situation sound bizzare, and forces people down the route of marriage way too early. It has to stay a secret, and you can’t meet families unless you want to get married.

He’s an adult, with agency .. old enough to make his own decisions.

The whole situation sound bizzare, and forces people down the route of marriage way too early. It has to stay a secret, and you can’t meet families unless you want to get married.

Out of genuine interest, what was he supposed to say to your parents showing him pictures and making suggestions if he wasn’t supposed to say he had a girlfriend already as that was akin to an engagement?

In what way was she rude, exactly?

I definitely wouldn’t tell him that you didn’t like her. You never know what is going to happen in the future, especially as he’s already let himself be pushed into meeting parents, and you don’t want to damage family relations before they even start. If he asks you what you think, you can be very non committal about it ‘I’m sure she’s very nice, but it doesn’t matter what I think, does she make you happy?’

I really do feel like he's being pushed along on this as after he told me parents he asked me why there is now so much wedding chat (my parents are looking into how much they can spend and the girlfriend is suggesting different dates for them to get married) If it’s your culture, why is he so surprised that everyone is talking about weddings? Does he not understand that if he doesn’t put a stop to things now, he’ll be married within the next twelve months? What did you tell him? Did he react with happiness? Or horror?

In your position, I think I would sit him down for a serious chat, when you’re not going to be interrupted by her or parents etc, and explain to him the implied consequences of meeting the parents and that you’ll support him if he’s happy with that, but you’ve noticed he’s still looking at other women and you’re concerned that he’s not ready for marriage yet. If he tells you he’s happy, then tell him you’re happy for him and no harm done. If he goes into panic mode then help him work out a plan for putting a stop to everything.

Have a supportive conversation with him and ask if he is feeling rushed / pressured. Do not say you didn’t like her, but you could observe that there was a bit of discomfort / awkwardness in the meeting. Ask him if he is still trying to keep his options open , but with his girlfriend: i.e he wants a girlfriend ( probably including sex) while she wants marriage (possibly including because they are having sex).

I would tell him that it’s his life and he should make choices he feels sure of. Because otherwise he will spoil his life, and hers, and it’s time for him to be honest. Tell him you will support him.

Criticism will make him defensive and possibly double down.

On the other hand if you acknowledge that she seemed keen to push things along and you didn’t think that looked comfortable, it might be the ‘permission’ he needs to accept that and be honest for himself.

I think this is important, not least because it gives a way of starting a conversation with him.

I would ask him in person if he is actually ready and wants to marry this woman. It sounds as though she has controlled the situation and your brother has been dragged into it. He is, of course, a fully grown adult but she may be controlling him. Definitely mention getting bad vibes off her too.

Just checking, this is still 2024 right? Not some backwards time where ridiculously controlling and interfering nonsense like this still happens?

He's a grown adult. You absolutely do not tell him you don't like his partner. Be there if it doesn't work, that's all.

Can we all not be surprised that there is more than one culture in the world? After all its 2024!

To return to the OP’s problem, given what you are saying about cultural practices, NOW is literally the only time you have left to intervene. And since this is true NOW is the time that all marriages in your culture are made or broken so if you really worry that your brother has made an error you might as well intervene.

Ordinarily, with resprct to other cultures, I wouldn’t necessarily advise interfering but given what you have said about your brother he seems naive and easilt led. Maybe you and the other concerned siblings can just sit him down and ask him whether he is confident and committed or if he needs help organizing a discreet and culturally appropriate retreat?

Where my parents hadn't known about her up until recently, they would try and introduce him to single girls and he would be open to seeing their photos etc. This is another thing that makes me feel like he just isn't that committed to this girl. (Me and my sister did also tell him that it wasn't ok for him to be considering other people whilst his girlfriend was feeling like they were exclusive).

How could he have responded differently to your parents since he typically wouldn't be expected to mention he had a girlfriend?

Aside from that - I wouldn't mention that you don't like her. But you can discuss whether he feels ready for marriage without it being about whether or not you like her.

@wishuponascar is the GF of your own culture or a different one. Because meeting family may not mean as much to her as it does to you?

Either way, I agree with others that it might be an idea to get him on his own and ask him how he feels about how things are moving so fast? Do not criticise her (at least until you find out how he feels), but be led by him. Even then I still wouldn't actually tell him you don't like her - but focus on supporting him, in whatever he wants to do

I would 100% say something. My DH didn't in similar circumstances, his brother married the awful woman and now we are stuck with her in the family and DH really regrets not saying something when he had the chance. It might not have made a difference, but it might have done and our lives would be SO much better without her in it!

However, I wouldn't phrase it to your brother that you don't like her. I would more phrase it as you are concerned that she is pressurising him when he isn't ready, and as you know him and love him, you've sensed that his heart isn't really in it. If this is the case, it would be kinder to end things with her as soon as possible, before she gets her heart set on a wedding. I would also address her behaviour if you think he noticed it? If he did I would say something like 'is that the kind of way you hope your wife would treat/speak to your family?' Just so he knows you noticed it and aren't the biggest fan, without outright saying it.

Good luck and hope he gets rid!!

I’d maybe start a conversation and gauge what he thinks.

”She seemed different to how you described”… and just take it from there. If he gets defensive then swerve it, if he opens up then it might be best to be honest. I’d usually say mind your own business, but if he’s being pressured then it’s in everyones best interests to have an open conversation.

Expressing your thoughts to him quietly and diplomatically I think is appropriate. Being different is one thing, seeming that he is being rushed into marriage is another.

I think we need a bit more information here. Can you provide some context as to how she was rude? Is there a chance she was nervous, which could’ve perhaps come across as rude? Given you mention that in your culture, meeting family = marriage, there’s a good chance she could’ve felt a lot of apprehension and pressure about the meet. Just playing devils advocate here.

That aside, your brother is a grown adult and ultimately there is very little you can do if he has chosen to marry this person. However, if you do have very significant and valid concerns, only you know whether the relationship you have would allow you to raise these concerns and how it would be received.

Is the girl from the same culture as you? If not, maybe what you call rude is just cultural differences. You do live in the UK? So it would be normal for your brother in the country he resides in to choose for himself without family meddling...

My brothers wife is vile. A stroppy, rude women. I asked him just before getting married if he was sure. He was. He knows everyone, including his friends, find her very hard work. I am hoping they get divorced at some point, but I know they wont. We are stuck with her.