To want to tell brother we didn't like his girlfriend

[wishuponascar]

My brother has recently introduced his girlfriend to us (his siblings). We come from a culture where introduction to family = marriage. I'd like to very quickly explain the culture as it is very different to dating in English culture. Essentially boy and girl meet and date without mentioning anything to their parents until they are ready to get married. Telling parents is pretty much the same seriousness as getting engaged to be married.

I understood that his girlfriend was feeling very nervous about meeting his siblings so I wanted to do my best to make her feel relaxed and welcome to the family. I (and my sister) met her for dinner with my brother and we were both taken aback by how rude she was. I feel a bit sad as before the dinner I wanted to just make sure she felt welcome and relaxed, and have been speaking to my parents to make sure they don't say anything to make my brother or her feel uncomfortable and make the process to getting married as easy as possible for them. But it really feels like the person my brother described versus the girl we met are worlds apart.

ANYWAY, before the dinner was organised and over the last few months my brother seems to have been a bit stressed eg. His girlfriend was pushing for him to tell his mum and she wanted to tell hers, but he would say he wasn't ready to. Eventually she told her mum and made him tell his and I suppose things really escalated (ie. Meeting siblings) quite quickly from there. For context they are both 25 and have been dating for 8 months. Usually marriage happens within a year of telling parents.

I really do feel like he's being pushed along on this as after he told me parents he asked me why there is now so much wedding chat (my parents are looking into how much they can spend and the girlfriend is suggesting different dates for them to get married). He has also been doing the very wrong thing of keeping his options open. Where my parents hadn't known about her up until recently, they would try and introduce him to single girls and he would be open to seeing their photos etc. This is another thing that makes me feel like he just isn't that committed to this girl. (Me and my sister did also tell him that it wasn't ok for him to be considering other people whilst his girlfriend was feeling like they were exclusive).

It is usually at this stage also that these types of relationships either work or don't as meeting families can be a deciding factor for the couple. Eg. the couple may feel like they don't fit in with either's family etc.

My sister and I are feeling a bit sad about what she is like, do we tell him? Or should it be something we never mention? Especially given I feel like his heart isn't that in it to begin with? Ultimately, if he does go through and get married, it's something we really don't want him to know as we want to keep the relationship as nice and peaceful as possible. However, she really is not anything like he's described to us and I just have a bad feeling about it all and in my heart if he is confused about it and being pushed into it, if he knows how she came across to us, perhaps he might end it?

Yes, you're completely right, one meeting isn't a good enough indicator of what someone is like.

Sphinx has a good point. You can't really tell on the 1st meeting.
How was she rude-? Was she just shy or awkward or overwhelmed?

I've met a couple of women , girlfriends of friends and family - who have seemed smily, cheerful and all round pleasant ppl on 1st meeting only for them to show their true colours later on.

Bravo, bravo, bravo. Did I say 'bravo'?

Not sure why advising someone not to eat fried food if they’ve said they want to lose weight is rude. She was correct.

the rest sounds like general conversation. Not saying thank you when you gave her flowers was the only thing I’d consider rude.

It was a bit out of the blue.
She's just met someone, that person hasn't mentioned to them they're on a diet. When that person orders she butts in to say that isn't why she's not losing weight... But my sister IS losing weight, she's just assumed she isn't because maybe she looks larger than the average person.

When I put mayo on my plate she said she she wouldn't dream of eating Hellman's mayo and she have thought a restaurant like the one we were was better than that. And did I really like the mayo that much.

She also said she wouldn't have chosen to wear what we wore for an evening or restaurant like we were in. We both were just wearing midi dresses..

She asked if my hair was always frizzy or if it was something that only happened after I had a baby.

Erm, why don't you call your brother out for his shitty behaviour..

You can’t truly assess her character when you’ve only met her once or a handful of times. Maybe she was nervous and came across short or cold? Does she want to marry your brother? Is she English?

What's the point in putting this on this board? The people answering can't give relevant advice.

Put it in the South Asian board and state your religion, you will get advice which is relevant.

You haven't said what she did or said was rude?

Him looking at photos etc isn't a big deal - probably just did that to keep his parents off his back.

Also, you're really interfering.
Are you married? If not, get married and live your own life.

Well done for deciding to not bring your children up with this sort of nonsense disguised as ‘culture.’

My last two posts I've said what she did that was rude. I wasn't aware there was a better place for this topic. Sorry!

Yes I'm married.

I don't want to be interfering. I was asked by my brother to organise the dinner so his girlfriend wouldn't feel like we didn't like her. I was happy to meet her. And I have only said positive things to him about his girlfriend.

She sounds like an arse but I still think it’s one of your business and you need to just let him know you are there if he needs you and then leave it.

So maybe she is rude. It sounds like she’d have to be to put up with your brother. He’s asking after other women , based on what you say, and he’s a total dimwit since in your culture introducing a girlfriend is getting engaged and he’s totally confused as to why people are talking about the wedding. It’s not like you want a lovely girl to get stuck with that, is it?

Oh come on. Unsolicited “advice” in this situation is rude

Sounds to me like he felt he had to "go along" with meeting other people in order to satisfy parent/sibling urges to set him up and that he has now introduced his girlfriend to try and put the breaks on that interference. By opening comments that you come from a culture where introduction means marriage that implies she is not so let them be. They are adults. It may work. It may not. The better option is that they see how it goes and if they split they split. Better that than a rushed marriage and a hefty and ugly divorce.

We have.

To paraphrase what you wrote earlier, could you say something like: "Bro, she really is not anything like you've described to us and I just have a bad feeling about it all. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I worry that you are confused and being pushed into it?"

In a way it kind of is nothing to do with you, but I’m very close to my siblings so I empathise with you being concerned. Luckily my brothers are married to women who I absolutely adore and I’m so glad they’re part of our family. You definitely should not tell him you don’t like her, that risks pushing him away and potentially causing a big rift. You need to ask him how he feels and frame it like that, ask him questions and prompt him to think about it. I would say do it over several conversations, gauge where his head is at and then maybe say something. Not saying thank you for dinner is fucking rude though I would have probably not have been able to keep my mouth shut at that. At the end of the day there’s not much you can do other than encourage him to really think about this relationship.

He definitely wasn't urged by siblings
Maybe by parents because they weren't aware he was seeing someone. But it was his own fault when he kept asking my parents what other girls there were and why couldn't their social circles come up with anything better.

Didn't read your updates OP.
You are married with a kid! Honestly thought you were single with time on your hands.

The questioning from the GF is typical Indian people chat in the context of marriage proposals/ inquiries.

What is your brother's financial status?
What university did he go to?
What course?
What job is he doing now?
What are his prospects?
This girl could well be too good for him so don't ruin it.

I'm just talking about going to a dinner to meet my brother's girlfriend and not having a good feeling. I think that's a normal amount of time to have spent on it. Im not meddling and came here for advice. I don't want to do anything that would ruin the peace.

Also fat talk - that's typical Indian chat too.
Why are you so offended?!
Go to any social circle where the majority are Indian and the talk eventually turns to weight, looks, fashion, house etc.

He's a grown man. Let him sort his own life out.

Maybe if you're quite old from another generation, that's the only people I'd expect it from and still feel it was out of touch.
I don't think many 25 year olds are like that

OP she sounds awful.

I think she sounds awful. I don’t understand how people don’t know that commenting on what an adult orders to eat with regards their weight is massively rude and inappropriate whether they feel it is correct or not. Plus their is a lot of evidence to show that eating what you want including fats/sugar/complex carbohydrates is ok within an overall healthy diet and no food should be disallowed as that leads to more weight gain due to psychology of feeling deprived and then overeating the foods that should be more occasional and smaller portion sized.
I would speak sensitively to your brother without sharing your feelings but rather exploring his.