To want to tell brother we didn't like his girlfriend

[wishuponascar]

My brother has recently introduced his girlfriend to us (his siblings). We come from a culture where introduction to family = marriage. I'd like to very quickly explain the culture as it is very different to dating in English culture. Essentially boy and girl meet and date without mentioning anything to their parents until they are ready to get married. Telling parents is pretty much the same seriousness as getting engaged to be married.

I understood that his girlfriend was feeling very nervous about meeting his siblings so I wanted to do my best to make her feel relaxed and welcome to the family. I (and my sister) met her for dinner with my brother and we were both taken aback by how rude she was. I feel a bit sad as before the dinner I wanted to just make sure she felt welcome and relaxed, and have been speaking to my parents to make sure they don't say anything to make my brother or her feel uncomfortable and make the process to getting married as easy as possible for them. But it really feels like the person my brother described versus the girl we met are worlds apart.

ANYWAY, before the dinner was organised and over the last few months my brother seems to have been a bit stressed eg. His girlfriend was pushing for him to tell his mum and she wanted to tell hers, but he would say he wasn't ready to. Eventually she told her mum and made him tell his and I suppose things really escalated (ie. Meeting siblings) quite quickly from there. For context they are both 25 and have been dating for 8 months. Usually marriage happens within a year of telling parents.

I really do feel like he's being pushed along on this as after he told me parents he asked me why there is now so much wedding chat (my parents are looking into how much they can spend and the girlfriend is suggesting different dates for them to get married). He has also been doing the very wrong thing of keeping his options open. Where my parents hadn't known about her up until recently, they would try and introduce him to single girls and he would be open to seeing their photos etc. This is another thing that makes me feel like he just isn't that committed to this girl. (Me and my sister did also tell him that it wasn't ok for him to be considering other people whilst his girlfriend was feeling like they were exclusive).

It is usually at this stage also that these types of relationships either work or don't as meeting families can be a deciding factor for the couple. Eg. the couple may feel like they don't fit in with either's family etc.

My sister and I are feeling a bit sad about what she is like, do we tell him? Or should it be something we never mention? Especially given I feel like his heart isn't that in it to begin with? Ultimately, if he does go through and get married, it's something we really don't want him to know as we want to keep the relationship as nice and peaceful as possible. However, she really is not anything like he's described to us and I just have a bad feeling about it all and in my heart if he is confused about it and being pushed into it, if he knows how she came across to us, perhaps he might end it?

I don't support or condone controlling cultures. For this reason, I think you should keep out of it.

I am very much leaning on not saying anything at all now. So far I've only got involved if my brother has asked for my opinion on something otherwise I am just happy for my siblings to be happy etc. I lied when he asked what I thought of her right after the dinner and said she was lovely.

If they love each other let them be. Meddling tends to not end well.

If you think your brother doesn't want to marry her/marry yet then I think that you may need to say something about that.

She does sound rude and quite opinionated, given this was your first meeting. I agree with others that you should just have a heart to heart with your brother, asking if he's sure about the relationship. If he wants to proceed, there's not much you can do.

I wouldn't say anything. It's his choice and his life. I won't interfere with his decision, as he's a grown-up adult.

Yeah she’s rude, I still think it’s best if you just carefully ask your bro if he’s ready to get married.

This sounds like a sensible move c

I would definitely talk to your brother, though.
Even though you told her you thought she was lovely, there is plenty of time to find out what his feelings and intentions are, before a hasty marriage takes place.

Ive lived in a village in Oxford ( well, Oxfordshire) for thirty years, and this is not the sort of behaviour which is current. There aren’t many Oxfordshire villages where a girl could be so isolated within her own culture that she wouldn’t have some idea of ‘polite’ . Even if she managed that, wouldn’t working in the NHS have acculturatised her manners a bit?

Maybe she was nervous at meeting you, but tbh she sounds spoilt and opinionated. If you get a second chance at giving DB a slowdown, I would.

If its OK for you to pick and choose what parts of the culture to follow, why have you different standards for your brother?

This. He needs to make his own decisions, with family involving themselves. 🙄

I don't think I do have different standards for him..? Could be more specific about what you're referring to? I'm happy for him to whatever makes him happy.

"We come from a culture where introduction to family = marriage"

He doesn't have to follow that if he doesn't choose to.

My family didn't like my boyfriend. I wish they'd said something before we married but they didn't. I would have appreciated them gently pointing things out to me that they noticed and asking me about them. I wasn't able to put my finger on what was wrong in our relationship until I was in far too deep sadly. I needed help, even though I didn't realise it then.

I agree, he doesn't.
I was just explaining what the culture is. It is his girlfriend who wants to definitely get married and I think he himself does too.

Right so if your brother wants to get married like you say, what's the issue?

I didn't like my sister's then bf now husband and pointed out all the red flags but she didn't listen. 2 kids later they are now divorcing and not because of us but because of the big red flags that are still there and no longer tolerable to live with. My sister tells me she wishes she listened to us. Btw once they married we bent over backwards treating my bil nicely even when he was a bf where we disapproved behind his back only so he would treat my sister nicely but a prick is always a prick.

Well, just like I said in my posts it's a combination I wonder if he's being pressured by his girlfriend and I didn't get a good feeling of what she's like after having met her and whether I should say anything..

I think you should, based on your posts.

Did he say anything to you about you having sex outside marriage? I presume he gets the same input to your relationship as you do his.

Wow, it's like you aren't reading my posts. I said I've only given an opinion when he's asked for advice otherwise I don't get involved.

Maybe it's high expectations!
People want the best for others and don't want them looking their worst.

"if he knows how she came across to us, perhaps he might end it?"

I am reading your posts.

Ah I can see how that sounds like something I am hoping for.

I am saying I think what if he ends it IF we tell him what we think of her.

My last paragraph is a whole bunch of questions and what ifs.

(Also, maybe about a couple of times a month he has asked us how she sounds - he'll give us some scenario and ask does this sound normal? And often we just reassure him and say she just sounds like a regular girl.)