Can I have your honest opinion on this situation please!

[Mrsgrapesauce]

I work 30 hours so I am at home all day WFH.
DH works 5 hours 3 evenings a week.

I have put DS into nursery 6 hours a day 4 days a week and DH doesn’t agree with me says it’s wrong and selfish and that DS is to young.

I have told DH now the kids are at school and nursery he needs to be looking at going into full time work or working more hours.

His argument is that he wants to be at home and be here for the kids if they need him.

My work is very flexible so I can up and leave if I need to.

I want to take some of the stress of my self paying all bills holidays days out ect.

aibu?

Have you read (and understood) her posts?

Mate, he’s bloody horrendous (your ‘D’H) he’s not decent cos he occasionally puts the washing away.

He is a shit Dad stop saying he isn't. He also isn't a SAHD who works part time. He's a lazy beggar who works part time.
SAHM would do things he won't. He either food shops, cooks, cleans, does school runs and does laundry while only doing 15 hours. a week or he can work full time. Now the kids are at school and nursery he needs to pull his finger out. He is able to love and be there for the kids while working.
If your job is flexible you can do school runs if he's out at work.

I did , the op has since updated with more information regarding her husband

He’s gone into town now to walk round the shops but he hates going food shopping so I will end up going when I finish work.

He hates going food shopping, does he? How would he cope if he lived on his own? Why does he get to veto domestic crap he doesn't want to deal with? What happens if you hate going food shopping too - especially when you've been working all day?

He's taking the piss.

What makes him a good dad then? I don't get it!

This sentence: See he is a good dad but I feel like he is portraying this amazing dad role even more because he doesn’t want to go to work.

And this sentence If he was a really good stay at home dad I wouldn’t even have put DS in nursery. But he was rubbish! I would come downstairs in between meetings and DS was messing around and he’s curled up in a ball on the sofa don't go together.

He does the school run, big fucking whoop. That doesn't make him a good dad, that's basic parenting. You're deluding yourself because the reality is too awful to admit to.

He's lazy. If he wants to be a SAHP he needs to actually parent. I have a 4 and 5 year old. When they were your DC age we did groups (except in COVID), park trips, library groups, crafts, messy play, reading ect. I made toddler safe messy play activities (edible). The kids were actually learning something. They also had 3 meals and 2 snacks a day and the house was cleanish. Your DC will benefit socially from nursery and it will be good for them. I'm sure everyone would love to work 15 hours a week but your H needs to contribute more to the household.

I earn a fairly decent salary so I dropped some hours as I was exhausted.

Seems like stating the bleedin' obvious but can I suggest that you would have been a lot less exhausted if he had been/was/is the great dad you're trying to convince us he is?

This

Sure this should have been discussed rather than you putting ds into nursery and then telling him to get a job?

It’s a bit shit and there would be uproar if a man did this to a sahm (no matter how shit she is).

With more Context I agree with your dh. Ds is only 2, you should have discussed this with him first. That was so uncalled for!
you don’t make decisions like that and then tell your dh to find more work. That was wildly disrespectful to do on your own without even telling dh.

I don’t know. My dh works full time and does the food shopping. He also helps a lot at home with whatever is needed and pays all the bills.
I work from home but not a lot of hours, do all the cooking, laundry, school pickups, have one at home currently, all non food shopping, extra curricular activities. Cleaning is split, like I’ll tidy, but he will help with washing floors and well share washing dishes.
I’m starting to wonder from this thread - am I taking advantage? I don’t think so. That’s just how we fell into things. This thread has made me more aware that maybe my dh should be doing less as according to some, I am massively taking the piss.
just sounds different when it’s the other way around and the wife is the ft worker and the husband is working pt and sahd.

I think sitting on your arse all day (or just blatant sleeping) is disrespectful. Leaving a young child unattended, whilst his wife is working. He’s had a good go on it, it could be anything up to 18 months he’s been having a nice chill out lifestyle. Working only 15 hours a week, naps in the day, not doing foot shopping as he doesn’t like it etc. Instinct tells me it’s been talked about plenty before but he hadn’t made any changes so OP took action

If they’ve spoken then fair enough, but sounds like he had no idea his kid was enrolled in nursery. Not saying he’s doing a good job! But there does need to be communication even in this case

I totally agree with putting dc in daycare; some children need the structure as you’ve said. I also think your husband doesn’t know how to be a sahp. Perhaps every evening, you two should plan what the next day will look like to include outings for you're child and winding down time in the evenings for a more structured bedtime. There’s also financial and retirement planning to consider. What about a college fund for dc?

YANBU. You shouldn’t be working full time and then picking up the slack from your idle DH. If your DH was sleeping on the sofa how was he supervising your DC ?
Due to the lack of stimulation that your DC was previously receiving from your lazy DH it is surely better for your child’s development to put him in to nursery and better all round for your DH to get a job with more hours .

I totally agree with you. How many times have we heard the DH not happy with the SAHMs housekeeping skills and we jump to mums defence because looking after a small child is a a full time job in itself. If he’s looking after the child and doing laundry that sounds fair enough and the rest of the housework should be split. I know two year olds that would make it impossible to get one bit of housework done when they were around.

There should have been a discussion about what’s working and what’s not working and what can be done to address it. I actually agree that it’s a bit young for him to be in nursery full days 4 days per week at that age.

YABU

YANBU. He didn't pulling his weight at home and your son will probably get better stimulation and social experiences at nursery than being at home all day. He needs to up his hours and financially contribute of course he's not happy because his free ride is over

Could you imagine a husband doing this with a SAHM? There would be an uproar (rightly!)

SAHP should be a 2 yes choice.

If he's SAHD, he should have DS. But ultimately it's a privilege to be unemployed, and he can only do it if you pay for everything like he's another child.

That's OK if you're happy and he contributes other ways. But if you left I bet he'd sharp find work

He’s working 15 hours PLUS he was doing childcare for 8 hours per day 4 days per week. If I was doing this and my husband started on about housework, food shopping etc when he was working 4 days from home I wouldn’t be best pleased.

When I was a SAHM it was exhausting as I was out at groups, round the park, play dates, soft play ….out every day.
So if he wants to be SAHD he has to be a parent … as what he’s doing at the moment isn’t parenting at all. If your child can’t get that enrichment from him and needs to go to nursery for that …well he can go to work.

There also needs to be a discussion about the sensible distribution of housework.

What does he say when you challenge him about the messy house, minimal input into food shopping and cooking and the lack of structure/stimulation for your DC? What is stopping you from insisting that he steps up and does more? Not saying my relationship is perfect but when DC were younger we both had a 0.5 WTE contract and divided up the chores equally.

Except he wasn't looking after his kid when he was meant to be.