Can I have your honest opinion on this situation please!

[Mrsgrapesauce]

I work 30 hours so I am at home all day WFH.
DH works 5 hours 3 evenings a week.

I have put DS into nursery 6 hours a day 4 days a week and DH doesn’t agree with me says it’s wrong and selfish and that DS is to young.

I have told DH now the kids are at school and nursery he needs to be looking at going into full time work or working more hours.

His argument is that he wants to be at home and be here for the kids if they need him.

My work is very flexible so I can up and leave if I need to.

I want to take some of the stress of my self paying all bills holidays days out ect.

aibu?

Agreed.

I suspect, rather, OP just has very low expectations on men.

Sorry but he is absolutely completely and utterly fucking shite. Falling asleep on the couch when he’s supposed be be parenting? The lazy fucker. If you’re convincing yourself of otherwise you are absolutely delusional.

It’s perfectly reasonable to want to be home with his kids, definitely! But he is being very immature not to take the rough (cleaning, shopping, cooking, getting DC out of the house) with the smooth (home-time greetings). He can’t cherry pick the good bits, then nap for the rest!

We still have no idea now old DC is.

I assume there are benefits being paid to this household.

OP & DH should sit down & talk this through. One, or both, need to work Full Time (whether WFH or otherwise) and stop relying on the State.

No adult unless incapacitated due to ill health should be working 15 hours a week, especially when the other adult is only working 30 hours.

Its situations like this that benefits should be withdrawn.

I'm just imagining if this were reversed and the dad were working from home while the mum sat around on the sofa all day not bothering with the child.

Oh yes.

I earn a fairly decent salary so I dropped some hours as I was exhausted. I’m also going to be studying from next week aswell which should give me a promotion next year.

Sometimes I just wish I had that person that I could rely on a bit more but it feels like it’s all on me.

I don’t know whether I can call him lazy as he does school runs I do join him either on morning or afternoon. But I guess when I really look at it he doesn’t do much else and emptying a dishwasher isn’t exactly tough

Sorry DC is 2

From what you have said about your little boy, I get why you have put him in nursery and am glad he is behaving better, not troubling you in your office now.

I think, if dh wants to continue being a sahm dad, he should do online grocery deliveries - you can help choose obviously. It costs no more than going to the shops and it is really good. All he then has to do is put the stuff away. If there are extras needed it won't hurt him to go a handy shop to buy a couple of items occasionally.

I also think he should do the bulk of the housework, vacuuming etc, and some preparation of food and cooking.

Otherwise you are not unreasonable to expect him to go out to work. If you both went to work you could hire someone to clean for you once a week or fortnight. That, plus having groceries delivered, would mean you are free in the evening and at weekends to do whatever you want with your children.

Your husband may have lost confidence about once again entering the workplace so he must find the right job.

Good luck.

Yeah. He needs to stop skiving and either be with the child (and awake!) or get a proper job.

Yeah I think he’s just a bit workshy.

It sounds like he was doing a bit of a crap job looking after your DS during the day with all of the falling asleep nonsense and not stopping your DS from bothering you. I’m not surprised that you lost patience with that. The cleaning/ housework I have a little more sympathy with as there were certainly days when I was at home with the kids when very little got done!

But as the kids are growing up it is never going to be sustainable him doing no work at all during the day. I think what I might have tried was 3 days in nursery but then DH works a proper day for those hours, but then gas 2 days at home (with or without evening work) building up to 0.8/ full time ish when the kids start school.

No family needs one parent at home every day of the week once the kids are in school/ nursery- that’s a luxury both partners have to agree to.

The food shopping sounds like nonsense though, why don’t you just get an automatic delivery every week of the same stuff? There’s no need at all for that to become an issue.

Hmm, I’d like to hear both sides of the story, but from what you’ve said he comes across as lazy and like he chose the SAHD option because he thought he could sit on his arse all day. If that’s correct, you were right to put your DC in nursery as it will be more enriching for him.

I think you need a long chat about responsibilities. And if you have another child, you do the staying at home because that way at least things will get done. He “doesn’t like food shopping”? So what! I don’t like housework, shopping or cooking most of the time but I still do it! Chores aren’t supposed to be things you like!

You are married to my exH. He claimed to be a SAHD. I worked from home. He did no housework, no shopping, no cooking and almost nothing with out DD. She spent half her life in my office. When she went to school he carried on doing nothing except school run. I was still cooking, shopping, cleaning, doing Dr appointments, opticians, bedtimes, etc..

Eventually we got divorced and he doesn't do much now. Hasn't seen her in the last 9 weeks. He has lost his job again. He is a lazy arse which I couldn't see clearly until we split.

Why is your bar so low that a fly would struggle to limbo underneath it? Of course it’s all now falling on on you to be relied on—you’re married to a layabout who literally lays about in the day whilst the child is unsupervised.

No.... he really is a shite dad. And husband. Based on your own description of what he does, or rather doesn't, do.

Your bar is REALLY low if that 's all he does, under pressure, and you're still reluctant to call him 'lazy'.

Do you want your son to grow up to be just like dad?

Be honest.

If your answer is 'no fucking way' (as that would be my answer, and I imagine the answer of most people on here), then you need to take action now. Even if that means threatening to end the marriage. Perhaps tell him it's family/couples counselling asap or you will take steps to do so.

He’s not a good dad though, is he. He wasn’t parenting your dc hence you opted for nursery. He’s also not fulfilling a role as a stay-at-home parent.

He either needs to step up as a sahp, or work (or leave). How you going to implement this is another thing, as it sounds like you tried.

Can you give a list of jobs that need doing? ( I know he’s an adult, but maybe you need to spell out what you expect of him).

See he is a good dad
Yet you also say he does virtually no housework, ignores your DS, sleeping on the sofa and rarely takes he out of the house. That is not my definition of a 'good father' and I doubt I'm the only one thinking that.

A good father would be actively caring for his children, giving structure to the days and weeks, but you say you felt you had to put your DS in nursery as this wasn't happening. You're starting to see the truth of the situation but you're not quite there - yet.

Sadly you have yourself a cocklodger. You've given him the shape up talk - how long will you give him before he gets the 'ship out' sequel ?

By the way the majority of parents would like to be available 24/7 for their kids. Unfortunately that doesn't pay the bills so we have to work.

“Sometimes I just wish I had that person that I could rely on a bit more but it feels like it’s all on me.”

Thats a really sad sentence. You sound exhausted, and want a partner. A child minder would do more than he does!

Come on, @Mrsgrapesauce, raise your bar!!

He’s lazy.

Expect more for yourself and demand he steps up.

What a role model for your child!!

I can't tell you how much I relate. I am the main breadwinner (travel a lot) and my dh was doing everything at home with the dc, plus he got a half-day job for Mon-Fri, to suit around child care, it was a minimum wage job. He was really tired with it, childcare and his job, but he won't hear of giving it up when I was saying we are fine on my salary. He said for him not to work daily even for half a day, even with a minimum wage, would be 'ripping the arse out of things'. Even though I was saying he should give up his job because it was so little money for the effort, inwardly I was happy he worked, because if you are the sole earner, there is only so much you can take before you begin to first resent the sahp, and then properly despise them, especially if the pipe up about being 'over-tired' and 'overworked'.

^This.

I don’t know whether I can call him lazy as he does school runs I do join him either on morning or afternoon. But I guess when I really look at it he doesn’t do much else and emptying a dishwasher isn’t exactly tough

he’s lazy and an inadequate parent who wasn’t actually raising his child.

I partly agree with you, but op makes makes it clear that do is not stepping up as a sham. Even with in nursery for six hours, he’s not shopping etc. when dc was at home, do couldn’t/woyjdn’t prevented from disturbing op from working.

yes, there should have been a discussion about nursery, but op sounds like she’s at her wits end, working full time, plus going all the housework, shopping child caring etc.

You resent and despise parents who stay at home, looking after the children you had together? Wow!