Can I have your honest opinion on this situation please!

[Mrsgrapesauce]

I work 30 hours so I am at home all day WFH.
DH works 5 hours 3 evenings a week.

I have put DS into nursery 6 hours a day 4 days a week and DH doesn’t agree with me says it’s wrong and selfish and that DS is to young.

I have told DH now the kids are at school and nursery he needs to be looking at going into full time work or working more hours.

His argument is that he wants to be at home and be here for the kids if they need him.

My work is very flexible so I can up and leave if I need to.

I want to take some of the stress of my self paying all bills holidays days out ect.

aibu?

But he’s not looking after the children?

30 hours a week would allow for school runs so I bet OP is doing it all.

All other things being equal and if you can afford for 1 parent to work PT...This.

I am now waiting to see if It transpires DH is neglectful / games all day / is generally useless
Or this is written by a bloke whose wife does 95% of household tasks, family work and raising the kids and he wants her to get out earning too.

It sounds as if DH wants to be the stay at home parent, and he disagrees with DS going to nursery. And he's earning part-time on top of that.

I don't understand why DS has been put in nursery without a discussion. Surely you have a discussion around the need to increase the family income, whether DH might take on more work, how much DS would need to be in nursery to enable that, and reach some agreement.

How old is ds? Those are long days in nursery if there is an adult available at home.

I’m pretty much with everyone else who wonders why this isn’t an agreed arrangement between you and your dh though. It sounds very much like you’ve taken it upon yourself to decide what’s best for everyone.

OP, we need more info on your set-up. How old are your children? Is your DH's work pattern a deliberate family choice in order for him to look after the children? Why did you not discuss nursery before going ahead? How much is nursery, and will the costs be outweighed by the extra income?

If he is a fully-engaged SAHD with an evening job for 15 hours each week then he's contributing to the household. In fact, if it were a SAHM in the same position then I wager that some on MN would be feeling (not necessarily incorrectly) aggrieved at the woman having to go out to a paid job when she'd already put in a full shift looking after small children.

That said, I can understand that the pressure of being the main earner is tough. Surely there is a compromise to be had here. Fewer days in nursery and your DH working more so that there is a balance between his time with kids and bringing in money.

There are a lot of assumptions being made by people here. OP hasn't said anything about how childcare and household responsibilities are/have been split.
For all we know, DH is doing all school runs, housework, childcare, mental load. Try reversing the genders and see if you make different assumptions.

The OP is stressed trying to pay bills, the DH is only working 15 hours a week and saying he wants to be there in case the kids need him, the OP works from home so is there if needed. To me that's laziness from the DH not wanting to work more hours when there clearly is perfect opportunity to work more hours.

I do think this is a reverse, or the DH is likely the DW....but my opinion is the same. If the family need more money, there is perfect earning potential but that person is choosing to stay home.....do the maths.

Lazy now if the family clearly need more money and he's not needed at home, he's choosing to be home.

It depends.

Did you enrol your dc into nursery to force him to get a full time job, or was he expecting you to do all the childcare and work full time?

If he was a SAHP with an evening job, and pulled his weight with the house and kids YABU .

If you’re stressed about money why pay for childcare when you have a SAHP available? Why did you unilaterally decide that? How old is DS?

I can understand the pressure of being the main earner, you’re not even working full time yourself so I can understand why you want your DH working full time but this needs a discussion. Him working 15 hours a week and looking after your child might be bringing home more money (as no nursery fees or wrap around care for the older ones) than he working in the day and you paying for your son to be in nursery.
You need to fully explain what’s going on in your circumstance, no one can fully say if he’s lazy ot you’re just not communicating properly

Are your family struggling and needing more money to take the pressure off? That's the difference.

If a woman posted saying we don't earn enough and my DH wants me to earn more, my kids are at nursery so I don't need to do anything for them during the day but I work 3 evenings a week for 15 hours....we all know exactly what the replies would be.

But if the OPs family is struggling for money the very worst thing to do is surely add a major expense like childcare to their outgoings? How is that going to help the situation?

There's no kids there in the day. OP is there if needed for the kids. That's precisely what the post says.

Because its probably mostly funded.

She’s WFH though - she can’t look after a pre-school kid if she’s working

It's never mostly funded, anyone who has ever used childcare knows that. Even with funded hours it's going to cost a small fortune.

How old is the child?

Her work is flexible. So it's really OK to say I'm going to not get a job or take on extra hours ehen we really need it just in case one of the kids has a sick day? That's not ok. Unless you're financially secure with doing that.

This is very clearly a reverse.

If there's a stay at home parent, regardless of who, it makes no sense to have no children in the home so obviously they need to get a job, or take the child out of nursery rather than waste money.

This has to be a joint decision. It's not something you can just unilaterally decide. It would have made much more sense for your husband to first find a new job and then put your son in nursery during the days he's working. Now he has to find a job that works around the nursery hours you got. Plus, he already has a job working in the evenings so that you can share childcare, wouldn't it make more sense that he just increases his days there if that's possible so he works 5 evenings a week? That way he gets paid for 25 hours and you still have no childcare costs.

100% a reverse, or DH is DW

I don’t think you’ve understood the OP (or perhaps I’ve not understood it!)

My understanding -

OP works and DH was looking after a pre-school child in the day.
DH wants to continue to look after pre-school DS but OP has put DS in nursery.

its not unreasonable imo to want to take care of your child in the daytime and not put them in nursery, if it’s affordable. Nor is it lazy.

I'm confused like others have said but really whether it's a sahm or sahd, that role means doing the childcare. The decision to stay at home and the decision to use childcare should be made jointly. If finances are an issue that should also be a discussion, neither a mum nor a dad ought to just decide they want to be at home leaving the financial burden to the other, though I do actually know a couple of Mums who quit their jobs and decided this without consultation with their partner that they would be a sahm, so I don't think it's uncommon.

You just need to talk and agree a way forward