Can I have your honest opinion on this situation please!

[Mrsgrapesauce]

I work 30 hours so I am at home all day WFH.
DH works 5 hours 3 evenings a week.

I have put DS into nursery 6 hours a day 4 days a week and DH doesn’t agree with me says it’s wrong and selfish and that DS is to young.

I have told DH now the kids are at school and nursery he needs to be looking at going into full time work or working more hours.

His argument is that he wants to be at home and be here for the kids if they need him.

My work is very flexible so I can up and leave if I need to.

I want to take some of the stress of my self paying all bills holidays days out ect.

aibu?

He thinks it’s easy being a SAHP because of internalised misogyny I reckon. So he thinks lying on the sofa is it.

My DH is the main SAHP now. Works very part time. He is loads better now (after a lot of talking) but I think men, generally are new to this domain, and don’t see that it’s actually a complex set of tasks and skills that don’t just involve putting a wash on and changing the odd nappy.

I think historically all things domestic have been viewed as women’s work. women were seen as inferior and round and round that belief system went. Women are good for nothing but domestic work. Domestic work is easy so better that women do it.

Men still have this internalised misogynistic view of domestic work being easy even though most normal men wouldn’t think it’s just women’s work now. As my DH put it when I was working part time and doing domestic, home making, parenting etc all of the other time, ‘how come you are so tired you have had two days off!’

He didn’t see it as work. Didn’t see it as hard. I kind of thought the same. I’d feel guilty for being ‘off’ but I later realised I was burnt out because I was carrying the entire mental load, doing all of the emotional labour and most of the housework and house keeping. I never got time off. Ever.

I’d thought because he did half the cooking, washing up, bedtime routines and laundry that he was doing his share. I had internalised the misogynistic view that the rest was my role and it was easy.

I remembered dentists, hair cuts, made sure clothes fit, organised school uniform, got the right shopping in, organised activities and holidays, Social time. On and on the list went. I did all the tidying and most of the cleaning. He worked and then ‘helped’ in his evenings but it was ‘helping’ not sharing.

A change of circumstances meant he had to do the bulk of the domestic stuff. He has always been pretty good at cooking, washing up and laundry and that’s all he thought was required. It’s been a massive adjustment for him.

He didn’t get that you need to apply your brain - several missed key things for DC and parent guilt helped him to get the mental load (still misses things though - like back to school dates, hair cuts, uniform buying) but does organise activities.

Many discussions about shared standards with housework helped him see that tidying and cleaning also are required to whatever our agreed standards are - no the toilet is not self cleaning!! Even now he will say ‘I have cleaned the X for you’. No - you cleaned the X because we all use it and it needs cleaning. Full stop.

Anyway. That’s my take on it. Sorry for the rant. I’m just sick of domestic and care work being so belittled, invisible and it’s not easy. It’s not rocket science but it does take a lot of mental, physical and in the case of any caring work, emotional energy.

He. Is. Not. A. Good. Dad.
He is not a good husband and partner.
He's a lazy, cocklodging waste of space.

I'm failing to see where he's a good Dad (or a good partner) when he's failing to supervise his 2 yo or contribute anything beyond laundry to the household? What's "good" about him sleeping on the sofa and putting his child to bed at 11pm?

That’s a lot of money for childcare when his dad is at home during that time. Understand why you’ve put him in nursery but yes, your DH needs to get a full time job. Many parents would like to be there at school pick up and ask how their dad went. I just did that at after school club pick up, same as millions of parents do. He’s enjoying having an easier life, he should be doing the housework and cooking / shopping etc.

He sounds utterly pointless. Much like some of the SAHM I read about on here. If he can't be an effective parent and partner he should go back to work FT.

Don’t apologise @Custardpiechart Your post is a really good summary and shows how OP’s husband is not pulling his weight at all.

my honest opinion is that he is a lazy sod

I had one of those - used to disappear when I was wfh as in leave the house so I was looking after a child (when I went down to grab a tea and discovered said child in front of tv and ex had left the building) and working. Liked a bit of ironing though except when it was too much as no more than two small washing loads per week was allowed! Changing bedding - I gave up after 5 weeks (!) and went back to doing it myself. Vacuuming - did it myself (except if he wanted to impress someone as to how great a dad he was then he hoovered and did the washing up), food shopping yep did it myself and so on. He did cut the lawn though whilst moaning it was my job! Refused to work outside the home as it would mean he would be giving ME money and didn't seem to grasp it meant contributing to the household pot. Meanwhile still going out, spending on his hobbies and only had the school pick up to worry about. Hmm.

Oh did agree to cook 3 times a week - lucky me.

I would say the same whether male or female. It's give and take to run a household and some are all take.

Your messages read with a twin theme of exhaustion and exasperation OP.
This situation does not seem new or likely to change unless you change it yourself, which you have done and now comes the guilt.
I’d park that guilt because your husband is not seeing the need to actually effectively parent. Where are the enriching, fun, educational activities? Crucially at the most basic level he is potentially endangering your child by sleeping then there is your work time constantly being disturbed to consider.
After all of the above there’s the subject of cooking, cleaning, shopping, gardening, admin etc etc.
You mention other children at school so I do wonder why there is suddenly an issue now and how it has worked before.
From a pure safety pov I would not leave a 2 year old with a constantly sleeping parent so I believe you have taken the right action.
Your own relationship is another matter entirely.

SAHD/SAHM = hanging out with the children, talking to them, engaging with them, drawing, making things, going to the park, going to toddler groups, swimming, reading books, making lunch, shopping, collecting other DC, playing games, meeting other SAH parents and their DC, making dinner, tea, snacks, washing clothes, organising repairs, going to freebie child-friendly venues, doctors, dentists. It’s an exhausting but lovely business. When my DC were little this is what we did. Those parents who both worked outsourced this work to paid help. It’s a job.

Yes. I agree that you need to park the guilt because otherwise, what takes its place us resentment. I’d take guilt over resentment any day. Guilt feels much easier to shift because it’s actually unfounded.

Thanks. I’m finding myself increasingly angry about it all TBH. I look at my MIL and she worked full time, really long shifts. They are divorced now but I can see my FIL in with his new wife. He does a bit of cooking and thinks he’s a modern man. I just know that MIL did the lot and assumes that I should. She doesn’t mean to but will make comments suggesting DH should be freed up for paid work but he’s over burdened with domestic stuff so can’t. Not he should do more so I can progress my career which is more stable, has a good pension and pays three times as much!

It’s everywhere. Women were sold a misogynistic version of ‘equality’ which basically meant keep doing the domestic servitude but we will let you get a job too you lucky thing and begrudgingly admit you do have it in you. But we are not going to recognise the difficulty of and importance of the roles you were doing!!

Aaargh. I’m off again!! I feel like screaming sometimes.

Scream away @Custardpiechart !

I went through a period in my mid-30s to late 40s of real pain at being single & childless. It was horrible.

But I think these sorts of stories were the thing which underneath it all, made me not a "marriageable" woman. I was too scared by all the awful situations I saw (including my mother's) to make myself that vulnerable to a man. I was scared of being trapped & angry & exhausted.

Now in my mid-60s, I think staying single was the best ever non-deliberate non-decision I ever made (I think it was a deliberate decision made by my subconscious, 😀).

It's tough either way though - single, you face feeling like an absolute failure as a woman & a human being because no-one has loved you enough to want to be with you. Married - you deal with your scenario or the OP's all the fricking time. Exhausting. And still the OP hasn't got a partner who is on her side.

I'm glad to be through it all & enjoying late middle age!

I have to say I think you are right. I’d never turn back the clock because I love DC more than anything and I hate the thought of the world without them, but dear god I would love to be in your shoes! Enjoy!

You wouldn't have wanted to be me at 35, I promise you.

Why don't you do extra hours?

Because he isn't looking after the child, he's lazing about and OP is finding it impossible to work due to interruptions. If you're going to be a SAHD then you need to do more than fall asleep on the sofa. OP already said that he doesn't do anything with him or take him anywhere so he is best off at nursery so he can enjoy some structure and activities.
OP - as already said previously by some, your DH is a lazy fucker who needs to get a full time job. I would be fed-up if he could do childcare but isn't and then also works part-time.

So, you keep saying he's a 'good Dad' but you sound like you're trying to make it true by saying it. He isn't the Dad you need him to be if he can't keep your son entertained and properly supervised during the day. When I was at home with my 2 year old there was no way I could nap on the sofa, it's not safe to leave a 2 year old unsupervised for a start. You say your son is a difficult child and was staying up until 11pm but that's likely a reflection of the fact he's not getting any kind of stimulation or structure during the day for your husband whilst you work. Your DH can't moan about him going to a formal childcare setting if he's doing such a crap job with him - it sounds like his 'excuse' for not working has now gone and he doesn't fancy getting a job. Perhaps he should have tried harder at being a useful SAHD - I'm sure if your son was happy and engaged with your DH each day you wouldn't be so annoyed about the housework as we all know 2 year olds are full on. What's happened here is he's doing a crap job of looking after DS and he's achieving nothing in the house either - so he's lazy and ineffectual and therefore not this 'good Dad' you speak of. He's average - at best.

Why?

I would suggest he found a day job as then when kids get home after school he will be there in the evening

This

I think you really want to be the stay at home parent and need to discuss this with your DH. I was a SAHM for many years and would never have tolerated being criticised by DH in the way you are criticising your DH. If he is the SAHP just let him get on with it and don’t interfere, including not doing any of the jobs you think he should be doing during the day. Just let him know the tasks that you will take responsibility for and leave him with the rest. If they don’t get done they don’t get done.
On the question of your son interrupting your work you need a lock on your workroom door.

Why are you being an apologist for this lazy man ? It’s absolutely clear that he’s using his kids as an excuse to be at home and isn’t pulling his weight - either as a SAHP or by only working half the hours OP works.

Divvying up the tasks with the attitude that, if his don’t get done then so be it, just means OP will either end up doing it all or they’ll wind up living in a shit pit.

And locking her work room door won’t take away the anxiety that her toddler is running around unsupervised while DH sleeps on the couch. He failed as a SAHP and she’s taken it out of his hands and found a solution. Now he needs to find a daytime job so he can be there for his kids in the evenings.

Why is your DH so tired?

I think I would start there…sleep apnoea, deficient in Vit D medical condition like hypothyroidism etc. Has he seen his GP? Had blood tests? Healthy diet, good sleep hygiene, exercise and get outside each day (is this a walk to school?) take a multivitamin?

Then the communication issues, it seems resentments have built up on both sides and it would be helpful to see if you can clear these up and create a space where you can listen and reflect on where the other is coming from. I can’t see how you can get on the same page without this foundation.

The conversation about DS going to nursery would ideally have included agreement and a plan for DH increase his financial contribution by taking on more hours at work. While I appreciate why, it would have been better to undertake this decision more slowly to agree and embed such a change in to your family structure for the longer term.

They are all out now during the day so there’s really no need for him to be there. You are also at home anyway when the DC come in. It’s not essential an immediate conversation happen, but it seems you have some flexibility around your start and finish times, so perhaps that’s something you could both agree you step into.

Unreasonable for him say he is the only one who cares about them, but curious why he would say that. Do you know? I would be keen to explore that without becoming defensive about it.

You explained why you wanted DS to go to nursery which is to provide him the structure he needs, plus making time to join school runs etc, but it matters what you DH thinks and why if you are going to move forwards as a couple and family.

Sorry to add, if a parent is needed, that’s the same for anyone in event of an emergency situation a parent witll have to leave work to deal with it.