To not want my ex husband to join me & son for a 30th birthday dinner?

[Ibloodylovetea]

Some background to this:

My son's father died when I was pg, I met my ex husband when DS was about 5 & we got married when DS was 10. So DS regards ex as his father. Ex & me separated about 16 years ago & have been divorced for about 12 years. All was amicable &, although we have no contact, I'm in regular contact with a cousin of his (who I worked with until she retired) & his mother (who's now 96). In fact I visit his mother every week - more than he does(!) I've since remarried.

I've arranged to treat DS for lunch on the occasion of his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks. DS has sprung on me that he's invited my ex. Now although all amicable, I have no desire to lunch with my ex. Also my DH isn't happy about the whole idea-seriously unhappy about it in fact.

I'm thinking it's DS's 30th birthday & I should suck it up & be polite to ex.

However, I'm also thinking that, if DS wants to have lunch with ex he can, but without me. DS is telling me ex is unhappy having not worked in years (he's 58) & is rather impoverished- I'm saying that's his choice that he's not working. The not working was a big influential factor in our divorce as he took a redundancy package & his civil service pension saying he always said he'd be retired by time he was 40. I didn't see why I should work full time, do all housework, cooking etc when he thought it OK to live off my earnings & do bugger all. But I haven't shared that with DS as none of his business why we got divorced.

I've told DS he's welcome to have lunch with my ex, but I won't be there. DS has taken this badly saying it's his birthday & his choice. I've reminded him that he's 30 & a grown adult. So now DS isn't speaking to me.

Thoughts please.

That's martyr behaviour, frankly, and I don't recommend it to anyone.

OP's ex left her to do everything at home while working a full time job. He then retired without warning and expected OP to continue working full time to support him AND carry on doing everything at home. And he is still ringing her up and asking for money now, long after the divorce, and pleading poverty whenever OP sees him and expecting her to pay his way.

Nope, nope, nope.

It's bad form for anyone to moan about cost at a dinner, very embarrassing and in poor taste. You could have a quiet word with him beforehand to tell him that and say he shouldn't go if he can't afford it but far better if he sucks it up and stretches himself for once. It won't kill him.

I do think you should go though, 30 is a milestone birthday. Your son will be disappointed if you are not there.

If it's his birthday meal that he's arranged and invited people to, you need to suck it up. If YOU'VE planned it as a way to treat him on his birthday, then it's up to you who you invite, and he needs to plan something else for his dad and that side of the family.

@Ibloodylovetea any update from your chat with your DS?
If he is resolute that this man comes, I would change the booking to a set price buffet or set meal - at least that way he can't sucker you for much. Tell your DS why.

He's 30 not 3. Stick to your guns OP, go with your instinct and don't be manipulated. Your son can celebrate with his dad on his own.

You're in an impossible situation here.

But firstly I'm sorry about your sons real dad 🙄 my own mum did the same when I was 9.

I understand why son would want a meal for his 30th which someone he deems a dad, I also understand why you wouldn't want to tell him the truth about your divorce - think that's pretty selfless if I'm honest.

I think you've got to go with your gut. He's 30 and of course it's privilege to meet that age in some cases, but, he's not 5 or even 15, so maybe you can just explain that you would feel uncomfortable in his presence, it's also not fair on current DH.

*I dont think it's a red flag thay DH doesn't want you to go - your ex hasn't treated you with very much respect and has used you, DH probably doesn't want to see that again, and I dont blame him

How, exactly, do suggest she 'sits away' from someone at a table for 3? Or should she get a separate table for 1 at the other side of the restaurant and not sit with her son who she actually invited and who is the reason for the lunch?

Read the OP post. You are talking rubbish.

I'm guessing this is a poster from the USA who thinks the original post was written on 9th March 2024.

I do. Imo the other is exdh .

Sit further away? When there’s only 3 of them there?? And pay for the guy, who has form for “forgetting” his wallet….right. 🤯

I think Îd take the high road and just go to the lunch. Your son considers him as his father. He is obviously attached to him and has a caring personality which is nice. It’s what he is choosing for his 30th birthday lunch even if you’re paying. I get that you feel taken advantage of but if you can afford it I’d rise above it. If you really don’t want to Îd offer to pay for a lunch just for him and his dad another day.

This is downright strange. The OP says a main reason she divorced her ex 16 years ago was because of what boils down to his financial abuse of her. Why should she go for a meal she doesn't want to have with him present when all she did was invite her own adult son out just him and her? And more to the point, why on earth should she "rise above it" when his financial miscalculation and determination to lean on her financially even years after their divorce, are the reasons she doesn't want to spend any time with him?
To be fair, if it may be that her son needs this for his own mental health purposes, given the circumstances of his own father's death. But in that case, he's gone about it wrongly and should have discussed it with his mother before imposing her ex-husband on her.

True she shouldn’t have to do anything. And she doesn’t have to do anything. Personally I ‘d probably do it though because it’s what my son has asked for for his birthday ie for both of his parents to be there. Its a couple of hours in a day and I’d rather be in a position to pay than be the beggar. Still I wouldn’t offer to pay unless it came to it. J’aime bien votre nom! Moi aussi je change souvent 😅

No, they quite clearly said this:

Zombie thread, doubt there will be updates from Sept 2024

Clear evidence that time travel is real. Bodeganights, you are busted!

Classic MN: anything ever misunderstood gets questioned with, “Is this American?”

And? All that means is that they know it is September 2024 now.

So why do you think they might think it's a Zombie thread if it's not that they read the date in what is generally considered to be the US way? Do tell.

1. you should absolutely tell your son why you got divorced. He is 30, not a child.
2. Ask him why he thinks that you should share space with the ex and pay for his meal? What is your obligation towards him?
3. reiterate that you’d love to spend time celebrating your son, with him, in a small family meal.

No. It's not.

OP offered to take him out for a birthday meal. He turned around and invited his stepdad, her leechy ex who is still trying to get her to subsidise his life!

I think the poster updated quite a few pages ago that they had misread the date the thread was started.

Read the thread. OP divorced his dad because he was financially abusing her. The abuse has continued and he’s tried to sponge off OP and her current DH. OP has previously had to pick up the tab because he’s attended a meal and cried poverty when it came time to pay. I don’t think she’s unreasonable not to want anything more to do with him. If her son wants to touch base with his dad, he should do it separately and be prepared to pay. At the age of 30 it’s not unreasonable to expect him to understand that OP has moved on and doesn’t want his dad in her life any more.

I would contact ex and tell him to treat his son to lunch and you will make other (separate) plans with your son another time OR contact him and say you're just checking that he's happy to split the costs 50/50 so DS's meal is paid for (make it clear you're not paying for him) he may just cancel if he can't afford it.

Thank you, I missed that, I should have just stuck to reading the OP's posts as I normally do!