To not want my ex husband to join me & son for a 30th birthday dinner?

[Ibloodylovetea]

Some background to this:

My son's father died when I was pg, I met my ex husband when DS was about 5 & we got married when DS was 10. So DS regards ex as his father. Ex & me separated about 16 years ago & have been divorced for about 12 years. All was amicable &, although we have no contact, I'm in regular contact with a cousin of his (who I worked with until she retired) & his mother (who's now 96). In fact I visit his mother every week - more than he does(!) I've since remarried.

I've arranged to treat DS for lunch on the occasion of his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks. DS has sprung on me that he's invited my ex. Now although all amicable, I have no desire to lunch with my ex. Also my DH isn't happy about the whole idea-seriously unhappy about it in fact.

I'm thinking it's DS's 30th birthday & I should suck it up & be polite to ex.

However, I'm also thinking that, if DS wants to have lunch with ex he can, but without me. DS is telling me ex is unhappy having not worked in years (he's 58) & is rather impoverished- I'm saying that's his choice that he's not working. The not working was a big influential factor in our divorce as he took a redundancy package & his civil service pension saying he always said he'd be retired by time he was 40. I didn't see why I should work full time, do all housework, cooking etc when he thought it OK to live off my earnings & do bugger all. But I haven't shared that with DS as none of his business why we got divorced.

I've told DS he's welcome to have lunch with my ex, but I won't be there. DS has taken this badly saying it's his birthday & his choice. I've reminded him that he's 30 & a grown adult. So now DS isn't speaking to me.

Thoughts please.

You are not unreasonable. At all. Your DS may be 30 y.o. but still has a few issues and boundaries to resolve if he doesn't understand that after 16 years post separation your ex is a stranger, and someone you don't like.

You've done well mainlining your boundaries. If your DS wants a relationship with your ex, he's an adult and can meet him anytime he wants, including making their own birthday party celebration. What your DS can't do is impose your ex on your invitation to him. If he doesn't understand it, he still needs to emotionally grow up.

Keep your boundaries up.

If you’re a civil servant see if you can have a blue light card and get some discounts on the meal. You pick the restaurant that is cheap so you can pick up whole tab if needed. Tell ex when you get there that you aren’t paying for his so choose wisely off the menu. Then if he pleads poverty at least he hasn’t ordered lobster

Haven’t RTFT, but if you do decide to attend with DS & CFXH, could you change the venue to somewhere that you have to pay at the time of ordering, so that CFXH has to pay for himself?

Don't you and your husband pool finances?

I’d definitely go for the sake of my son.
I would be polite, amicable and keep my feelings to myself for a couple of hours.
This is about your ds.

So basically she should look for a cheaper way to accommodate more CF behaviour from her ex ?

Bit of a red flag that your DH has a problem with it

This is what jumped out at me first. I would find this a bigger problem than anything else mentioned.

I know this is a few days old, but I've just come across it.

It sounds like you invited DS for lunch, is that right? If that's the case it's really rude of him to invite someone else without running it past you first.

If he invited you, then he can invite who he likes - and yanbu at all to decline the offer based on not wanting to spend time with another invitee.

Is it?

I think anyone with ops best interests at heart would have an issue with someone who is a known leech and has been inappropriately asking op for money gatecrashing a meal that she will be at and probably expecting her to foot the bill.

Couples are allowed to have separate finances. This is not uncommon for second marriages.

No way would I attend, you will be expected to pick up the bill. Leave them to their own birthday lunch and arrange your own. I don’t think it’s a red flag at all that your husband doesn’t want you to go, your ex is a user.

I think you should suck it up and have lunch for the sake of your ds. I also think it’s inappropriate of you to say it’s none of your DS’s business to know why his family broke up when he was a child. It was inevitably one of the biggest events of his life- why shouldn’t he know why? Having big unanswered questions is very unsettling for a person, why would you withhold this information from him? He’s a 30 year old adult of course he should know.

I’m a child if divorce. If one of my parents invited me for a 1:1 meal for my birthday, there is no way I’d invite my other parent. Completely inappropriate.

But it is September 2024??

Aquamarine1029

Your son is being completely unreasonable and very, very immature. At his age, he should be able to appreciate that you have your reasons for not wanting to socialise with your ex-husband. The fact that it's his birthday is irrelevant. He's not five years old, for goodness sake, we can't always get everything we want.

eh for a big birthday to ask for his two parents to sit at a table together is hardly asking for a ferrari, is it?!😅

How did coffee go?

As a rule, I think children of whatever age should be able to spend the odd occasion with both parents, and any new spouses should not interfere with that.

However, the caveat being that both parents are fine to dine, attend whatever together.. etc. In this case the OP simply doesn't want to spend any time with her ex husband. The DS should respect this and not try to impose it again. It is always a case by case situation but at 30 the son is old enough to be able to cope seeing his parents separately.

You ought to sell your story to Eastenders !

Or go somewhere within your ex’s budget, for a quick meal, for the sake of your son. & if it’s not in his budget, watch what’s ordered, pre discuss a budget with them both & pick up the tab. Somewhere 241, or 30% off, or cheaper before 6pm. If you lead that, it implies your budget as well as theirs.
you could use it to POLITELY make points of your feelings without throwing daggers of venom and resentment.

your son is clearly looking for some time with the parents he knew. Who are still in his life.

you could even take your husband, to show you’ve moved on. But honestly he doesn’t sound mature enough to acknowledge you had a past, with regrets, even though he apparently has his own.

Birthday lunch aside I would say it's time to give your son a little info on your Exs' history. It won't be long before he starts asking for loans and other "help" from your DS, he needs to know that there is a backstory and not to fall for it.
Otherwise he may blame you for not telling him about Exs' financial behaviour.

I'd be calmly reminding DS of the fact that you invited HIM to lunch for his birthday, not your ex, and you have zero intention of once again being forced to pay for his meal and drinking. He's old enough now to know his freeloading and doing fuck all at home was one of the reasons you divorced him in the first place. Tell him.

Isn't your partner going for meal às well? Invite him! Sorry but your son doesn't realise the situation between you and his stepfather so obviously he thinks your just being spiteful if it was me personally I would tell him why it was a problem also I'd tell ex he's definitely paying for his own food drink.etc or not too bother coming unless he wants too be embarrassed when Bill comes

I don’t think he’ll feel shame when the bill comes. OP said that in the past he announces how little money he has, how he can’t afford anything, or turns up without any money. He has no shame. He will not be embarrassed when the bill arrives.

I can understand your dilemma and there’s no easy answer. At 30 though he probably should have an inkling of what his dad is like-and why you might not feel magnanimous!
My eldest 2’s father was abusive and although they have a relationship with him they are under no illusions that a birthday get together would happen. I’ve never told them any details about my marriage to him though. They are both in their 40’s and the only time I’ve been in the same venue as him for over 35 years is 2 weddings and a christening. My youngest’s dad is deceased but we had an amicable relationship til he died and did have some birthday meals together including with my husband.
Hope you manage to come to some sort of agreement.

If you're paying for it then maybe move it to the day after his birthday and then tell your DS he can do whatever he wants on his actual birthday but you aren't joining a meal with your ex as its inappropriate and triggering

I would go to make my son happy! It is just a 2 hours max, it's NOT a lifetime!