To not want my ex husband to join me & son for a 30th birthday dinner?

[Ibloodylovetea]

Some background to this:

My son's father died when I was pg, I met my ex husband when DS was about 5 & we got married when DS was 10. So DS regards ex as his father. Ex & me separated about 16 years ago & have been divorced for about 12 years. All was amicable &, although we have no contact, I'm in regular contact with a cousin of his (who I worked with until she retired) & his mother (who's now 96). In fact I visit his mother every week - more than he does(!) I've since remarried.

I've arranged to treat DS for lunch on the occasion of his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks. DS has sprung on me that he's invited my ex. Now although all amicable, I have no desire to lunch with my ex. Also my DH isn't happy about the whole idea-seriously unhappy about it in fact.

I'm thinking it's DS's 30th birthday & I should suck it up & be polite to ex.

However, I'm also thinking that, if DS wants to have lunch with ex he can, but without me. DS is telling me ex is unhappy having not worked in years (he's 58) & is rather impoverished- I'm saying that's his choice that he's not working. The not working was a big influential factor in our divorce as he took a redundancy package & his civil service pension saying he always said he'd be retired by time he was 40. I didn't see why I should work full time, do all housework, cooking etc when he thought it OK to live off my earnings & do bugger all. But I haven't shared that with DS as none of his business why we got divorced.

I've told DS he's welcome to have lunch with my ex, but I won't be there. DS has taken this badly saying it's his birthday & his choice. I've reminded him that he's 30 & a grown adult. So now DS isn't speaking to me.

Thoughts please.

I agree @Hollietree

I doubt Op would care if he’s at a wedding or Christening. It’s very different to having a lunch with just the three of them.

OP has been so polite she even paid for him last time. It’s her ex who isn’t being polite - asking OP for money and appearing at lunches expecting her to pay. I don’t think it’s rude to have boundaries and we need to stop telling people especially women that.

I’d say most adult children accept that their divorced parents don’t want lunch together.
But obviously OPs son has had this specific trauma related to his father and turning 30, so I do have sympathy as i assume that could be affecting his thinking on this.

But that doesn’t mean Op should sit through another meal with him whingeing about not having any money due to retiring super early and then pretending he’s forgot his wallet.

Do you have an update, OP?

I hope you mean current DH

This is a very complicated story OP. I feel for your son in this position.

It’s clear that your son sees your ex as his father figure and this is important to him.
It’s clear that reaching 30 has some extra emotional significance for him because of his birth father’s story.
It’s clear that your son is struggling with his mental health.
lt’s clear that your son was slightly out of order to extend the invitation from you to his father figure too, without asking you first, even though he doesn’t understand why you are so against him because you haven’t told him.

Under these special circumstances, I would bypass this dilemma by giving your son a generous money birthday gift, upfront, with which to pay the bill for his restaurant dinner celebration. Go to the dinner with your son and his father figure, then when it comes to paying the bill, go to the bathroom so that your son and your ex work it out between them as to who pays for what.

I would make sure your DS knows a little bit about why you split with his father figure. He needs to realise that, as a role model, he wasn’t the best. This could be helpful for his therapy and recovery.

Zombie thread, doubt there will be updates from Sept 2024

Eh? It's not a zombie thread

OP was just a few days ago.

Actually @Ibloodylovetea I would proactively take control here. Say yes, if that’s the celebration you want DS, let me have exH contact details and send him the menu beforehand. Ask what he wants and ask if he is planning on paying for himself and half of sons meal, as that wasn’t the case last time. Make it clear he is welcome, but only under those circumstances, ask him to forward you an amount now to confirm his acceptance and ‘look forward to seeing you’

take the upper ground. Xx

But no one is asking you to remarry him. Just go and have lunch! It’s a one off event for your son’s birthday. Sit further away from him, be polite and leave again. It’s not that hard. YABU

He is your ex. Your son is an adult. You should not be forced into contact with an ex under these circumstances.

Don't show DS this thread. Just discuss with him calmly and maturely and say to him that part of the reason you divorced XH was because he stopped contributing financially and therefore left all the pressure on you. It's therefore hard for you to sit down and fund a meal for him, even though you'd love to be able to give him the birthday meal he wants. See how he responds. If he pushes back a lot and is really keen, I'd suck it up. Bring cash and pay with that so you can say - sorry but I only have £XX so we can't have that third bottle of wine.

Or book a different, cheaper place for joint lunch and take DS out for surprise special dinner instead.

@Bodeganights Why are you posting on threads that were started two days ago saying they are zombie threads!!! It’s still 2024, not 2054.

At 30 he is not a child and should be aware that it's not all about him. He should have consideration for other people's feelings about things. He is being selfish. He's not a child.

Trying to get the ex cocklodging freeloader to buy his own lunch would clearly be a Herculean battle and create a miserable occasion for all. OP owes this loser absolutely nothing.
Son is a big boy now and it’s time he knew the truth.

What are you on about ? It is September 2024. the thread is from 3rd September, less than 4 days ago.

That. It's your husband's problem really, is he jealous? He surely has no need to be, you and your ex are long over. It's natural for your son to want the person he considers to be 'Dad' to join him for a thirtieth birthday celebration.

I think your husband is being childish but people can't help feeling insecure sometimes. Talk to him about it, better still get someone close to you both to talk with him. He needs to address his misgivngs.

I'm sure if he goes, he will be fine and afterwards wonder why he was so afraid of it.

I hope all goes off well.

You paid for all last time. Suggest DEx pays for all this time and see where that leads

I wouldn’t want to sit and be polite to an ex who took me for a financial roller coaster ride during the marriage and was still trying to sponge off me years later. I do think OP should try to be there for her son, but l don’t think she’s being unreasonable to be unhappy about it, in light of the background information she’s given.

Goodness me, I have a 30 years old DS and I cannot imagine not having told him the divorce reasons long before now, and what I still have an issue with now.

DS has been an adult for 12 years.

Your son has a great mother, he doesn't need a "dad" that is a drain when he has his own stuff to deal with.

I wish you the best of luck, you sound fab. Your DS is lucky to have you.

Read the OP’s updates. She’s explained why her husband is against it, and it’s about ex’s past behaviour - nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity, and absolutely not childish.

You do know that a birthday isn’t a “one off event” right? We have a birthday every year! She should not have to go for a lunch for 3 with her ex every bloody year! And how do you sit further away from him on a table for three people?

Do you think your son invited your ex or that your ex dropped a hint that your son picked up?

I mean really, if you had wanted to have lunch with your ex for your son's sake you would have invited him in the first place!

The reason this man is in your DS's life is because you introduced him as a father figure when he was 5yo. He (DS) had no choice in that.

So I think it's unfair that you now get to wash your hands of the situation and can't even sit through one birthday meal for the sake of your DS.

If it were a big 30th birthday party, then yes, I would agree to inviting XH, on the basis that it’s a milestone event—a large family gathering. Exes can put on a brave face for the sake of the child, and for the most part avoid each other whilst being civil.

Given that it’s a 1:1 mum/son meal, no…it’s not appropriate to invite an ex partner. He and DS can have their own 1:1 meal if they so choose.

Who's picking up the tab? You? If it is, no way. Your DS doesn't get to choose who or how you spend your money!

Maybe you need yo tell your DS, now he's an adult, why his DF is so skint and how that caused the marriage to breakdown.

He can have 2 separate celebrations, that's how I'd sell it to him. Your ex is not your problem. I'm with your DH.

As a child (now adult) of divorced parents, I wouldn’t try to explain the reasons for the divorce now, it will sound like you are trying to score points. Whatever the reasons are, none of them are your sons fault. Unless there was abuse (which it doesn’t sound like there was), it doesn’t seem unreasonable for your son to want to spend his birthday meal with both of his parents. Especially if it is a big birthday and one that he may have concerns around about his biological father.
You have said that your son is struggling a bit mentally, and he has asked for you both to be there, it seems like the adult thing to do would be to prioritise your son for one meal.